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The Perfect Lady- Chapter 2

There were two hours to dawn. A small glow on the horizon lit the way as Bella and Rhea crept up the rope ladders leading to the slaver's ship. They hung on the railings, keeping their heads just below the deck as Rhea whispered to Bella.

"There are only three other crew members," she said, her voice low, "they should be asleep in their hammocks, so as long as we are quiet there should be no issue. Below deck there are at least a dozen girls, plus two months worth of rations and the gold from their last haul.” Bella raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve been watching them for a long time,” Rhea admitted, “But it hasn’t been a fair fight until now.”

The two girls swung themselves up on deck. Bella’s arms burned, she wasn’t used to so much exertion, but she wasn’t going to let Rhea know that. They prowled silently into the crew's cabin. There were indeed three of them, snoring loudly enough that Bella and Rhea could have been talking in normal tones without waking anyone. It was a simple business to tie their hands, relieve them of any weapons and gold, and walk them down to the gallows where they were strung up with their captain.

Back on the ship, Rhea unlocked the hold with keys she had stolen from the first mate. Inside were fifteen girls, all in various states of disarray, all hungry and confused. Bella passed out bread, cheese and rum while Rhea raided the ships cabin for clothing and blankets. After everyone had been looked after, Rhea gathered them on deck where the first rays of sunlight could be seen on the horizon.

"Many of you don't have homes to go back to, while others have families eagerly awaiting your return," she said with authority, "I am now the captain of this ship, as is Bella, if she accepts. I extend to you all the opportunity to be part of our crew. We would feed you, clothe you, pay you, and promise a life of adventure and revenge on pigs like these that took you captive in the first place. If you choose not to join our company, we will give you enough gold to buy yourselves new clothes and passage back to where ever you came from."

"I'm staying," Bella said, stepping forward from the small clump of girls. "There's nothing for me to go back to." Rhea nodded to her gratefully as Bella joined her on the upper half deck.

"What the hell, could be fun, right?" a dark skinned girl with cuts and bruises all over her visible skin climbed the stairs to stand next to Bella and Rhea. "I'm Rowan. Used to be a house slave for a rich lord a few islands over." She was tall and strong, with wiry muscles.

"I'll come," this volunteer surprised Bella. She was small and fragile looking, as if any hard labor would cause her to snap like a twig. She offered no explanation for her choice, simple scampered up the steps to the other girls. Four girls volunteered in the end, all aging from fifteen to twenty two. It gave them a crew of six, a small crew to be sure, but fitting their small ship. Rhea looked each over appraisingly, the gave each girl her choice of weapon from the ship's collection of arms. Bella took a new weapon herself, a blade half way between a sword and a dagger, but long and slender enough for her to hold her own against a swordsman. It was light enough that she would be able to fight without tiring. The rest of the girls were given five gold flowers each, enough to buy them transport to wherever they wanted to go. They left the ship to go to the small inn, and no one of them looked back. Bella stood to address the company.

"I know most of you have never crewed a ship in your life," she started, disappointed to see nods of agreement from almost every girl, "But lucky for us Rhea has been sailing since she was a babe. She's agreed to help teach all of us, myself included, how to sail. In the beginning, we will tie different colored strips of cloth to each rope or lever to help you acclimate yourselves, but soon we hope to rival the best male ships in our efficiency and speed." There were murmurs of agreement and relief among the crew.

"We have one more matter of business to attend to," Rhea said, swinging herself up on the ships railing by a rope, "Our ship needs a new name. Bella and I have been talking, and we decided, if there are no objections, to name her The Perfect Lady, that way no man will ever be able to find her!"

It was the first time the ragged company had looked remotely like a crew. A whoop went up from Rowan first, then the other girls began to add their voices, cheering as Rhea steered them away from the docks. Rascal had perched himself on Bella shoulders, sniffed excitedly at the sea breeze. Bella smiled and stroked his sleek tabby fur. It was hard to believe herself that no more than twelve hours ago, she was facing an arranged marriage to a man three times her age. Now, she was co-captain of her on ship, setting off for adventures she had only ever read about in books. As the ship was leaving the harbor, Bella heard the warning bells that could only mean that the police had found the men they had left for them, and her stepmother had discovered her absence. Bella smiled into the wind. They would never catch her now.

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steampowered
Review

Hello, steampowered here for a Review Day review!

I’m really enjoying reading this, and I’m very interested to see what happens next. So I’ll get started…

"There are only three other crew members," she said, her voice low


You don't need to say her voice is low, as you said in the previous paragraph that she "whispers" to Bella. Just "she said" will be fine.

“I’ve been watching them for a long time,” Rhea admitted, “But it hasn’t been a fair fight until now.”


"But" shouldn't be capitalised, as you have a comma rather than a full stop (period) after "Rhea admitted". Now, if you'd put a full stop there, you'd have capitalised the next sentence. Hopefully that makes sense!

Bella’s arms burned, she wasn’t used to so much exertion, but she wasn’t going to let Rhea know that.


The first comma isn't really appropriate. I'd either do a period and treat "she wasn't used" as a separate sentence, or I'd put a hyphen (-) in. Or you could do a semi-colon (;)

It was a simple business to tie their hands, relieve them of any weapons and gold, and walk them down to the gallows where they were strung up with their captain.


So no trial or hearing of any kind? That seems a bit... harsh.

where ever you came from


Where ever should be one word, "wherever".

"I'll come," this volunteer surprised Bella.


This is really two sentences - it should be "I'll come." This volunteer surprised Bella.

simple scampered


Shouldn't that be "simply" scampered? Also, these girls seem very quick to make their decisions. Why don't any of them think about it, at least for a moment?

They left the ship to go to the small inn, and no one of them


Shouldn't that be "not one of them"?

to help you acclimate yourselves


I may be wrong, but... shouldn't that be "acclimatise" (acclimatize if you're American)?

Why did they go to the inn anyway, if that was a hotspot for kidnappers? It doesn't sound very sensible.

Rascal had perched himself on Bella shoulders, sniffed excitedly at the sea breeze. Bella smiled and stroked his sleek tabby fur.


Shouldn't that be AND sniffed excitedly, or "sniffing excitedly at the sea breeze"?

This is a really interesting story, and I'm looking forward to reading the next instalment (which I shall do now) Keep writing! :D

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Noelle
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Noelle wrote a review · Sun Jan 25, 2015 9:43 pm

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

I'm so excited to read this chapter. I really enjoyed the first chapter and I can't wait to read more.

It was a simple business to tie their hands, relieve them of any weapons and gold, and walk them down to the gallows where they were strung up with their captain.

I'm finding this a bit hard to imagine. These are three grown men who are fast asleep. Bella and Rhea can't be all that strong, at least not enough to even drag three men of complete dead weight back to where the girls had come from. It would be nice if it could happen, but I don't think it really could. Tying their wrists and taking away the weapons would work good enough.

"But lucky for us Rhea has been sailing since she was a babe.

Just a nitpick here. There should be a comma before Rhea's name in this sentence.

So Rhea and Bella are taking over the ship, huh? Interesting. I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming. I thought that maybe they'd go off and live together and Bella could start a new life. Of course, pirating a ship is basically that anyway.

We've got some new characters here, which is always cool. I love the characters you started out with, but new characters are always fun and interesting. These girls will be interesting to learn more about because they're going to be pirates now. That's not just something you jump into without knowing you'll have to be a certain type of person. It'll be interesting to watch the girls change as they become these pirates.

One quick thing I want to say about the girls though, is that we only learned on of their names: Rowan. There are four who volunteered and we only know one of their names. We know that the second girl was small, but that's it. And we don't get any information about the last two girls at all. My suggestion is that when you go back and edit, really work on describing the girls and giving us their names. It's something you can easily fill us in on in the third chapter, but normally that's something that we'd find out when we first meet them. Just a few sentences about each like you did with Rowan. Her introduction was great.

Four girls volunteered in the end, all aging from fifteen to twenty two. It gave them a crew of six, a small crew to be sure, but fitting their small ship.

I was confused by the first sentence here, to be completely honest. It's mentioned that Rowan and another girl volunteer. That's two. Then it's mentioned that four volunteered in the end. When I first read it, I thought that meant four more girls had volunteered after Rowan and the other girl. Then it's mentioned that the crew is at six, which I'm assuming includes Bella and Rhea. Maybe instead you could say, "Two more girls volunteered to join us" then go on about the small crew. That'll be easier to understand.

Also, with the part I quoted, it should be a new paragraph. The sentence just before this one if still talking about the small girl who volunteered. In this one, it's mentioning the numbers of the crew. That's a different subject all together so it should be a new paragraph.

Now we're got six girls, including Bella and Rhea, on a ship ready to sail the high seas, or whatever water is out there :3 This is turning out to be a lot more exciting than I imagined. I can't wait to see this rag tag group start setting sail. There's going to be a lot of trouble they're going to run into, I'm sure.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

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Sherri
Review
Sherri wrote a review · Sun Jan 25, 2015 7:12 pm

Hello, there, Ehobby! :D
I love the story you have going here... To be honest, given the title, I was very thrown off by the content! XD But after I got over the initial surprise, I fell in love. I do have a question, though: do you plan your writing out? Or do you make everything up as you go? I try and ask this when I find an interesting writing style such as this because it helps with improving my own writing (surprisingly).
Um... Pretzelsing beat me to nitpicks again. XD So I don't have much to correct here. Well then. :D
So... anyways, I love the characters and how you're developing them; it's the second chapter, I haven't read the first yet, and yet I still feel connected with them. I love it when I can become completely absorbed in a story; it's a relaxing sensation :)
You're doing a wonderful job! Keep writing :D I can't wait to see where the story goes!

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Pretzelstick
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Heya pretzelsing here for a review,

I thought that this was an intersting story to say in the least.
Now I haven't read the previous chaprer but here, this quote was weirdly uncertain:

I am now the captain of this ship, as is Bella, if she accepts.


I find it extremely weird that Rhea would not know if Bella was willing to be captain or not.If I was writing this then I would probably write a scene where Rhea and Bella talk this out and agree.

This is a nitpick but this sentence just doesn't flow well at all
"What the hell, could be fun, right?"


Maybe if you rephrased it and said something like:"What the hell, this could be fun,right?"Adding the this would make this sentence make more sense.

Again I would suggest rephrasing this sentence to make it flow,sound, and make sense better:

. They left the ship to go to the small inn, and no one of them looked back.


I would rephrase that and say not any one of them or none of them.I think that an easy quick edit that is a must-do before posting any storh is to read your sentence out loud to another person and make sure that it flows,sounds, and lookes good.

Also in this sentence:
"I know most of you have never crewed a ship in your life," she started, disappointed to see nods of agreement from almost every girl,


Why was Bella disappointed that none of them knew how to captain a ship.Did she expect that the girls would know?Also the other phrase, that almost every girl nodded in agreement.Does that mean that not every girl nodded?That is the impression that I got from the word almost.Please jsut consider that.

I really liked your last sentence, it makes Bella's new sense of freedom very apparent and it also makes me want to read the next chapter when that comes out(I hope soon!)

I hope that this review helps and I truly encourage you to keep on writing!
-pretzelsing
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You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor