Dark glasses on
Hand cuffs broken in two
Leather jacket, cigar smoke, Jesus tattoo on my shoulder
Dirty mind, blurry sight
High on cocaine
In my truck
Drive to New Jersey
Arrive to Coney Island
Picking up, laying down
Touched by an angel
How proud will my family be
Pray to God
Don’t take me away
Ill take myself
A rubber bag
Breaks in half
I was never good at commitment
Im in New York
Populated streets helps me blend
Get myself together
A norm of society
Suit and tie
Sitting down
Type my soul away
Nostalgia my greatest weakness
I learned how to tie a tie
A tie around a bar
50 stories high
I could say, it was a neck tie
God don’t take me away
I know my destination
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Intriguing is the first word that poped into my head after I finished reading this. I feel like you could've gone deeper into detail, but for your first poem on the sight it's pretty good. A man who isn't the best person recognizes what he did is wrong and wishes to take responsibility, right? Or to be more specific a 'criminal' who escapes his 'punishment' by hiding what he did to begin with, but eventually he owns up. This sort of reminds of the Scarlett Letter to be honest. Dimmesdale's perspective that is. Anyways can't wait to read more of your work!!! Keep calm and write on!!!! =^_^=
That was great
If you changed a few lines I can definitely see this being a song; a somewhat strange song, but a song nonetheless if it were to rhyme. I mean...
"Dark glasses on
Hand cuffs broken in two
Leather jacket, cigar smoke, Jesus tattoo" (See!)
"How proud will my family be
Pray to God
Don’t take me" (Or "Don't You take me..." )
La la la... ***The above really only serves to prove that it could be a lyrical piece***
Now... a few issues...
-The flow; somethings are a bit wordy. Remember: Less can be more.
Ex: "on my shoulder" doesn't really seem to be necessary
-It seems a bit scattered (goes along with flow); make sure you have transition between new ideas
Ex: "Ill take myself
A rubber bag
Breaks in half
I was never good at commitment"
I don't really understand the use of the line "I was never good at commitment" Given the lines before, it seems a tad bit random.
-Contractions; make sure you use an apostrophe
And... that's pretty much it! I loved how you could look at this writing in so many different ways; as an actual criminal -one who was trying to hide in "normal society" ...as someone who did lead a "normal life," but felt as if they were felonious... etc. etc.
Good job. Keep writing!
I really like this poem. The words and ideas used, fit perfectly into the poem. The only thing I can say is, as a reader, I felt it was a bit scattered. Some of the lines did not flow into the next point you were trying to make. It almost felt some of them were put in randomly.
I do think this is an awesome poem though. Keep up the good work
This is awesome! I am impressed with the words you put into your poem. In addition, the main point of the poem is so true and definitely happens in reality. Great job! Keep it up.
Amazing! I must say your poem is indeed unique. It gives a feeling of reality. I really wonder what a guy like this must feel when he reads this!! Anyway, it is really awesome! But, I think if you could involve some rhyme into your parameters, I believe your poem would truly be perfect.
Wow! Epic it is. Its Sadly realistic.People day by day getting more engaged to crimes around the world. I can imagine a villain reading ur Poetry. Hope to get more from u. stay Blessed
if u have time please review my work
Pupz