Unnamed Haiki
Written by Efrain Hernandez
Blissful husband now
Stranger asks if he still longs
A romance like theirs
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi! Welcome to YWS. I hope you like it so far.
I'm not really digging your haiku, I'm afraid. I don't quite understand what you were trying to say, and for me the wording was a little bit awkward. :/
This line in particular is awkward. When you slice up a sentence like this just so it can fit into a seven syllable niche, you know it's time to rethink your idea, because when you do that, it sounds almost illiterate, kind of like a caveman. Okay, I know that's a bad comparison, but I honestly can't think of anything better. And sorry if I'm being blunt... I just want to help.
If you have any questions or would like another review, please don't hesitate to ask.
-Knightley
EDIT: You and me posted at the same time, and I understand now.
Thanks! I really appreciate your help. I wrote this Haiku because I came across a story about a man who is in a happy relationship until his life is disrupted by a "stranger" one day. That stranger is asking him if he still longs for, or misses, the kind of relationship that THEY used to have. I made that person a stranger because a happy and married man should forget about his past relationship. I wish I had room for the word "for" in between longs and 'a' so it'll be: Stranger asks if he still longs for a romance like theirs. That way the reader can contemplate whether or not this husband had a "romance" with this stranger and the word "still" also suggests that it was sometime ago. Also, take note that the stranger even bothered to ask about the past; was it something so grand it must never be forgotten? Then after re-reading it you really can't help but feel sorry for the sap because he is "happy" now but after encountering this stranger, what does he feel then? What is one to do when you realize you used to have it better? Hope I didn't make it too complicated. Lol! But thanks anyway!
Blissful husband now
Stranger asks if he still longs
A romance like theirs
Hi,
Welcome to YWS!
You handle the form really nicely. I'd change "A" to "For" because I think that makes more sense. I think I'd also change "theirs" to "his". Other than that I can't fault it.
Hope this helps.
Jas