Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Politics

E - Everyone

Libation

by eeh03


The libation which I pour into wounds,

lies in great minds, and in your crafty tongue

and the slick slaughter we may bask among,

to inspirit the desires that soothe.

The libation which we use to cover

the plain candour of our intimacy,

the mitigation of militancy,

adorning and adoring one-another.

-

Are wounds placeted by this libation?

That are chasmic, as I am captured in

your gaze, and held firmly in this nation.

As I fall into you, the divine sin,

whilst wails persist, the final station.

Scars cannot heal so clothe me with new skin.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
718 Reviews


Points: 14055
Reviews: 718

Donate
Wed Feb 20, 2019 6:10 pm
View Likes
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there eeh03. You requested a review from me about a month ago and I'm just now getting here to fill it. Looks like you already have two pretty good reviews so I don't have too much to say for this commentary.

Scars cannot heal so clothe me with new skin.

I saw at least one of the other reviewers commenting on this line and that makes a good amount of sense. The poem ends on a very strong point, somewhat unexpected from the content in the middle, but very successful in the line of communication to the reader. There's an overall issue in how this poem is relating to the reader, a lack of an open line between the speaker and the reader.

The final line is one of the few lines where a connection can be known, with the wordiness of the other sections. From what I saw in the other reviews, I think you already edited this a bit from the original version. Some of those word choice issues are still sticking around for me in lines like this one.
Are wounds placeted by this libation?


You focus on the word libation throughout this entire poem and while the reviewer before me is commenting on the possible relation of holiness, I know from working in certain settings, that libation can just casually be referring to drinks. And when I take away any implication of a holy connection, we're just left with a statement asking if getting drunk will ease the pain left behind by this previous relationship.
So coming to a message like that as the main interpretation is why the word choice might be pretty, but it's not doing much else.

Word choice also brings me into the rhyme scheme, which is just a touch forced and I think also lending to the confusion in the wording.
Are wounds placeted by this libation?
That are chasmic, as I am captured in
your gaze, and held firmly in this nation.
As I fall into you, the divine sin,
whilst wails persist, the final station.
Scars cannot heal so clothe me with new skin.


Outside of the content, the rhyming itself sounds rather rough to me with in/sin/skin. There's always an issue with using this short little words to rhyme, which are either misread or misheard or some likeness. Here is no different. Each of these words can be taken in greatly different ways, adding another slight problem.

So I think my review comes out to saying:
1. Determine the message that you're giving to your audience through this speaker.
2. And decide on the best way of wording to successfully deliver this message.

If you have any questions about this review or anything else, drop me a line.
Good job and good luck.
- Lizz




User avatar
124 Reviews


Points: 31
Reviews: 124

Donate
Fri Jan 18, 2019 8:17 pm
nogutsnoglory wrote a review...



Hi, Oliver here!

Going to be honest and say that I had to google quite a few words in this, but that's okay. The consistent use of higher language keeps the flow of the poem.

The libation which I pour into wounds


Libation meaning 'a drink poured out in offering to a deity', means that these wounds are somehow holy.

The libation which we use to cover

the plain candour of our intimacy,

the mitigation of militancy,


Making offerings to a deity for prosperity and peace among enemies as well as lovers.

Are wounds placeted by this libation?
That are chasmic, as I am captured in
your gaze


Use of the word 'chasmic' really lends to some nice imagery here, as I imagined large gaping wounds when I read it. 'Captured in your gaze' lends insight to the narrator's relationship with their lover.

As I fall into you, a perfect sin,


Nice contrast with the libation and idea of holiness in the previous stanza.

Scars cannot heal so clothe me with new skin.


Again, nice imagery. I really liked this line.

Overall, my only issue with this poem, as stated by a reviewer before me, is the choice of unconventional wording. At times it made the poem choppy, especially when I had to stop and look up what a word meant. However, this was very interesting to read and it came together quite nicely.

Keep writing,

- o.s.e.k




eeh03 says...


Thanks so much, I%u2019m sorry for the language, I felt a specificity of meaning was important in a poem with a meter and line count as I could then spare words to explain what I mean, but I will revise it to see if I can lose any words. Many thanks, E



User avatar
101 Reviews


Points: 305
Reviews: 101

Donate
Wed Jan 16, 2019 7:02 pm
AmadeusW wrote a review...



This is an interesting poem.
To me it holds meaning of having some kind of wisdom or flow of words that you use to cover pain (emotional or physical). I will say that I had to look up the third and fifth word of virtually every sentence... and though I believe you intentionally made the language of high intellect and convoluted flavor, the fact that the bulk of the poem is vocabulary that people wouldn't readily know causes the meaning to somewhat be lost in translation. I would recommend just toning down the language a little bit so as to at least give the reader a chance to understand what you are trying to say. I definitely think most of the language you use is quite good, but there are a few words that stick out and are hard to swallow, such as the word "velleities". I think the word choice really makes the poem feel like the author swallowed a dictionary and decided to regurgitate it on top of the reader (no offense).

You don't have to take any of my advice if you are too attached to your word choice. Good job on this regardless of language!




eeh03 says...


Thank you, and your criticism is something I am very aware of, I will try to tone it down a bit. Many thanks again for your review.




“I'd much rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.”
— Carrie Bradshaw