Hey there eeh03. You requested a review from me about a month ago and I'm just now getting here to fill it. Looks like you already have two pretty good reviews so I don't have too much to say for this commentary.
Scars cannot heal so clothe me with new skin.
I saw at least one of the other reviewers commenting on this line and that makes a good amount of sense. The poem ends on a very strong point, somewhat unexpected from the content in the middle, but very successful in the line of communication to the reader. There's an overall issue in how this poem is relating to the reader, a lack of an open line between the speaker and the reader.
The final line is one of the few lines where a connection can be known, with the wordiness of the other sections. From what I saw in the other reviews, I think you already edited this a bit from the original version. Some of those word choice issues are still sticking around for me in lines like this one.
Are wounds placeted by this libation?
You focus on the word libation throughout this entire poem and while the reviewer before me is commenting on the possible relation of holiness, I know from working in certain settings, that libation can just casually be referring to drinks. And when I take away any implication of a holy connection, we're just left with a statement asking if getting drunk will ease the pain left behind by this previous relationship.
So coming to a message like that as the main interpretation is why the word choice might be pretty, but it's not doing much else.
Word choice also brings me into the rhyme scheme, which is just a touch forced and I think also lending to the confusion in the wording.
Are wounds placeted by this libation?
That are chasmic, as I am captured in
your gaze, and held firmly in this nation.
As I fall into you, the divine sin,
whilst wails persist, the final station.
Scars cannot heal so clothe me with new skin.
Outside of the content, the rhyming itself sounds rather rough to me with in/sin/skin. There's always an issue with using this short little words to rhyme, which are either misread or misheard or some likeness. Here is no different. Each of these words can be taken in greatly different ways, adding another slight problem.
So I think my review comes out to saying:
1. Determine the message that you're giving to your audience through this speaker.
2. And decide on the best way of wording to successfully deliver this message.
If you have any questions about this review or anything else, drop me a line.
Good job and good luck.
- Lizz
Points: 14455
Reviews: 737
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