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I See You Less Now

by eeh03


I see you less now

-

that the dust has descended,

that blackens our buildings

and dims our depths.

-

that the troubled seas have swamped

our minds, and vehemently

mauled our vindication.

-

that the syphocants and equivocators

have won and we

have lost.

-

I see you less now

-

that the stars that watch

our felonies

have faded.

-

and you were too detached,

and now we are

detached.

-

I see you less now

-

and the water is rising,

and all we can do

is swim.


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479 Reviews


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Thu Jan 24, 2019 8:37 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I`d stop by and give you a review!

I always love poems that have a deeper, solemn atmosphere. They always seem a little realer to me- more genuine. I liked the theme of this- loss, I believe was what you said in the description, and I just really like this for trying to portray what it feels like to lose someone. I also really like the line `I see you less now`especially if this poem is referring to death- or someone who`s dying, because it just has a very ...numbing feel to it. I`m not sure how to describe it. But it`s very cool. c:

My keyboard is being all weird so I`m going to have to quote the old fashioned way today:

``that the syphocants and equivocators``

*Glares at keyboard* Okay, so, I found this line very difficult to read due to both those really big words. Personally, when I`m reading, I`m not a fan of having to run to the dictionary! I mean, in poetry, it`s definitely good to put interesting, different words in, but if they`re to complicated, and not super well known (maybe they are, but I definitely don`t know them) it can just stall the reading process. Which of course, effects the flow of a piece. So my advice is to perhaps put some words in there that are a little more well known perhaps.

``I see you less now

the stars that watch ``

This is a pretty little thing, but I found that the transition from `now` to `the stars` a bit odd. For the rest of the poem, after the ``I see you less now`` it starts off as like ``now that (something, something, something)`` But in the line up above, it either needs a `that` or something, to make it sound more like the other stanzas, and so that the syntax is more together. (ahhhh, sorry; words aren`t coming well to me tonight! Dx )

The other thing I wanted to mention is that I didn`t think repeating ``I see you less now`` so frequently, really did much for the poem. I feel like it if the stanzas were longer, the repetition could work, but with the stanzas fairly short, it makes the tempo of the piece rather fast, and it feels like we`re rushed through. Like because the stanzas are short, and that`s coupled with the repetition- it makes us get to the repeated parts rather fast, and that sets the poem`s pace to be quite speedy- and it`s not a really good feeling. Hopefully that makes sense! I think my advice is to either make it so that the repetition is less- so every-other stanza, or only twice or three times in the poem. Or remove the repetition completely- OR perhaps have a bit more meat in the stanzas- making them longer. Or something along those lines!

The only other thing I wanted to bring up, was the flow of the piece. It was a bit choppy, and I think this was do to the breaking up of sentences to make shorter lines. I used to do this in ALL my poems- I thought it made it dramatic- and it can sometimes, in moderation. Too much line breakage can just make the poem feel very jerky. Perhaps try to either do full thoughts and sentences on one line- I mean, they can still be short sentences! I`m not actually sure if this will work, as it`s been awhile since I`ve written poetry, and I haven`t tested that theory yet (as I just came up with it tonight! O.O )

In any case, I hope this wasn`t too rambly, and I hope you find something useful in it! Keep up the good work! I did quite enjoy reading this lovely poem. C:

-Holysocks




eeh03 says...


Thanks so so so much, I%u2019ll revise the poem to see if I can change anything.



fukase says...


Welcome. Take your time.



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Thu Jan 24, 2019 7:02 am
fukase wrote a review...



Hi,
When I am on this site, I will try to review the latest poem posted and the lucky person is you.

A glimpse on the poem, there are two things that impressed me and two things that bothered me. Two first things are I love the images in the poem and the tone used is perfect to convey such poem. The later two things are the choices of word may be too overdone and lastly the length of the poem seems choppy or long in stanza to another stanza.

I see you less now
that the dust has descended,
that blackens our buildings
and dims our depths.

So you are using the same first line in every stanza to show the uniform-ness in the poem--not a bad thing but personal view, it wasted space--never mind that, I really love the second line of the above stanza "that the dust has descended". It clearly delivers the feeling of "seeing less" in a way because of the dust blocking. I disliked the word "blackens" though, like it makes me see a view in the night, so it is not limited to "dust" only.

I see you less now
that the troubled seas have swamped
our minds, and vehemently
mauled our vindication.

The words "seas" and "minds" are perfectly aligned to each other. It delivers quite an image of turbulent or whatsoever. I know you are trying to deliver a background meaning in the poem (obviously duh), like when you used "our buildings", "our depths", "our vindication", but that didn't really pointing what were happening like you just touched and gone, and then repeat "I see you less now". Of course, it would take longer if you explained one by one, but this is poem, ey, so try to deepen the meanings in words you used.

Next stanza about equivocator and syphocants. I guess, yeah the two words delivered a lot of meaning, but it looked like the rest of the stanzas are quite empty and extremely short compared to the first two.Like you are wasting space and more white chunks are given to the readers instead. Magically, you can just combined two stanzas into one. Just a personal thought.

Overall view, this poem tries to tackled the readers with "see you less", but the matter isn't really stressed. There are lot of spaces you can add and improve. Poetry may be short, but it just looked so. Try to experiment more with poems.

Write more to write better.

~fukase/memo




eeh03 says...


Thanks so much, I%u2019ll see if I can change anything according to your review.



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Wed Jan 23, 2019 8:27 pm
Elfgirl says...



Wow.





"Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening