When you close your eyes,
On a world of hate, pain and fear,
You’ll enter a silent place,
Where I’ll be waiting.
The world we live in,
Full of earthly worries,
Is but a glimpse of the beauty,
That awaits us beyond our fears.
A Quiet land,
Peace, Calm, Joy.
Just close your eyes, and wish,
And you’ll be there.
Now don’t you cry,
For life that is gone now,
Silence is here,
To take you away.
When this world of cares and pains you leave,
All turns to golden glass,
And hovering over that world,
Another country you’ll espy.
Another light,
Another day.
Another place,
Where children play.
A gentle beach,
On another shore,
A glimmering city,
In another land.
And in that place,
I’ll for you be waiting,
In that quiet country,
In that quiet land.
But will you come?
To that calm place of rest?
Or will you choose the other road,
And leave me waiting there?
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Your flow totally shifted in the middle of the poem. The random shifting of sentence structure also didn't work too well for you. I liked how the theme of the poem was kept constant, but perhaps look into making your gentle land one of more intense peace. In fact, the bulk of your poem should be given to explaining how your country is better than this one, how it is more calm. In reality, you give only two stanzas to this purpose.
Nothing much that attracts me. No single line, or even a word. You need these things to draw the reader's attention. It'll make him think that he's reading what a learned man has written.
this was a relatively good poem. i found nothing amazing or outstanding about it, and i must mention that the one line, "All turns to golden glass," reminded me of Lord of The Rings. in fact, this whole poem shook with the same feeling of the words that Gandalf speaks to Pippin in the third movie, as well as the song at the end of the moive =]
i'm probably just imagining things, being such a big fan and all.