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Closed.

by eccedentesiast


Closed.

Homeless child,

Polluted stream,

In early spring,

A secret needs to be confessed to someone.

The stream twisted down the side of the craggy hill, the constant rush of brown water almost mind-numbing. One could sit by the stream for hours and just watch the hundreds of plastic bags, glass bottles, and crushed cans rush past. Hardly anyone remembered the stream was still there; the town preferred to forget it, just as they did with everything that could tarnish their reputation. The only ones who still remembered were the ones that were left alone.

The first thing that was out of the ordinary that Monday was her.

In early spring, it was common for the lonelies to be at the markets looking for easy pay or scrounging around for dropped coins or spoiled food, but this one seemed to be different. Instead of running after the older ones, the girl who looked to be about 12 years old sat by the bank.

That was the second thing that was odd; she seemed to be laughing as she prodded around in the shallow water with a stout branch, stirring up the mud. There was no rhyme nor reason to what she was doing and I watched, bemused, as she continued to kneel in the mud and laugh.

Finally, after hours of just watching, it had gotten to the stage where the sun has dipped below the horizon, yet still illuminates the world with a cold grey light. The warm wind whistled through the tree branches as she stood up. I noticed then the third thing: her dress should have been covered in the slime from the bank, yet the only blemishes seemed to be red stains on the cuffs and around. She crossed over to the clump of bushes on the other, daintily skipping through the freezing water. When she did, she knelt, crawled into the middle, and began to pull a long log-like object out. It seemed to take all her effort, and afterwards, she set upon the shape with a small paring knife, gouging shapes into it. I knew by know it wasn’t a log. She turned suddenly on the spot and looked straight at me, her gaze piercing, almost accusing. I moved forward unconsciously until I was standing less than a metre away, staring into her cold eyes. I was about to reach out and grab her when she held out a small, pale hand to me. It was a small gold hoop earring covered in the stains of dried blood and flecks of dirt. She looked down at her hand, almost as if she regretted showing me. I reached out to take her hand…

-------

The sun the next morning rose just as it had any other day; slowly, lethargically, and with the air of normality. The town rose lazily at ten just as they did the Tuesday before. The only difference was that the stream was no longer filled with garbage, it held… something else. A small body with a bloodstained dress and stringy hair was floating face up in the brown water


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Points: 208
Reviews: 4

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Wed May 02, 2018 3:17 pm
Blueflood wrote a review...



Hailo, eccedentesiast!

I just wanted to start off sayin that this short story was awesome. The things I like about it is how you incorporated one of the scariest things on earth (children), you also equipped vivid imagery unto a point where I'm able to "see" the things that are occurring ("warm wind whistled").

However, there were a few areas that could use some patchwork. For instance, at the last paragraph, I don't know if the girl herself was killed or the character that met the girl was killed... Your hook mentioned a secret, though through the story I have yet to find one revealed/explained.

Groot joob!




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804 Reviews


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Mon Apr 23, 2018 8:45 pm
ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey eccendentesiast,

Shady here with a review for your short story~

I see you're new here, so a great big welcome to you! If you need any help finding anything or just want a buddy on the site, don't hesitate to message me. I'm happy to help :)

Getting started with the review, I really like the way you started this story. The description is excellent and gives a strong mental image of all the pollution in the city. It works as a hook to get me interested in knowing what happens next. Well done~

Finally, after hours of just watching,


The narrator watched her for hours? That's a wee bit creepy...

I knew by know it wasn’t a log.


You've got a typo here, it should be "by now" not "by know"

Also, what is it? It seems like it could be a corpse that she's carving on, but there's nothing you said that really confirms that -- and yet I can't think of what else it might be.

~

Okay! Overall I really liked this. You definitely have an interesting concept and it's got a bit of a creepy feel to it. Mysterious little girl, potentially a little psychopath, who then ends up dead. But did the narrator kill her? What happened?

I do really like your concept. It's interesting and has a sense of intrigue that is good. I do think you can improve it by adding a bit more substance. Mystery is good, but you need to heavily suggest what might of happened if you don't want to state it right out. Like who the person watching the little girl is; what happened to the little girl; what she was doing in the first place. I think you can make this into a really fantastic story with a bit of polishing.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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212 Reviews


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Reviews: 212

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Sun Apr 22, 2018 5:14 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



Please feel free to ignore my advice it is not meant to offend you, hurt you make your story seem bad, or demean or critizise it. However regardless of what I have previously stated brace yourself for impact. That said . . . .

1. What I liked
Somehow I liked the drama if this. I also loved how this seems like it was actually in a real book. It all seemed so real. That was awesome of course.

2. Flow and style
I noticed that you started with these lines

Closed.

Homeless child,

Polluted stream,

In early spring,

A secret needs to be confessed to someone.

This is just me but I'm not sure thats needed. Maybe it is. I'm just putting it out there. Oh also did you intend for that Homeless child way out at the edge of the story?

2. Keeping to plot.
It seemed a little odd how you never mention what that secret was or him revealing it roughly. It might be better if you added so diologue. Oh while this was dramatic did you intend for this to be a suspenceful? If so then I think you might want to add a little more of it, or write a new draft from the grils perspective.

3. Lack of emotion & Character develoupment

I noticed there was a total lack for feeling. If you want to have a good mystery or horror story I feel that you need to describe the fear and the horror. This would be good with a little more narration I think. It seems a little like a bystander observing more then a person having to give up a secret. This might also help to add character to your characters. Also did you intend for them to be nameless? Who is I?

4. Encouragment
I hope you weren't offended at this review, anyway this was actually pretty good aside from the lack of feeling and character. Even then this is so good you can leave it as is. Amazing work!

5. Overall
Overall I liked the feeling of distance it had. I think that's what made it more real I think. Amazing!





There are those who say that life is like a book, with chapters for each event in your life and a limited number of pages on which you can spend your time. But I prefer to think that a book is like a life, particularly a good one, which is well to worth staying up all night to finish.
— Lemony Snicket