1. Okay, I know it's short, but this sounds like a run-on sentence. Try taking out the first comma, like: "Lily sat along in the dark, confused and lost." 2. You need to seperate these two phrases at the point I've shown. Maybe instead of "curtains casting" you can make it "curtains, casting" or "curtains; casting". 3. Try adding a "to" before "feel the magic". 4. Make the comma a semicolon.easilyinspired wrote:#FF0000 ">Lily sat alone, in the dark, confused and lost. The moonlight filtered through the #FF0000 ">curtains casting shadows across the room. Enchanting her, #FF0000 ">beckoning her to escape, feel the magic. Yet her heart couldn’t let #FF0000 ">go, wouldn’t let go of what she had once had.
1. Try putting a "that" after the comma. 2. There's something wrong with this phrase. Try changing it to something like: "The objects around her, solid and cold, told her that she hadn't disappeared;". 3. Put a "had" between these two words. 4. Make the comma a semicolon. 5. Change "But now it" to "But now that it". 6. These phrases don't make sense together: Try rephrasing it.easilyinspired wrote:The creaking of the house around her reminded her that she was still really #FF0000 ">there, this feeling was real. #FF0000 ">The objects around her were solid and cold, they told her that she hadn’t disappeared; she wasn’t a ghost. #FF0000 ">She thought it was #FF0000 ">over, she had thought she’d moved on, there had been a cloud that was once covering the sun, hiding the light. #FF0000 ">But now it had moved and she could see clearly, #FF0000 ">she thought it would be a bright, sunny day but now she could see clearly she realised what she had really lost.
1. Make the period a question mark. 2. Put a "so" after the comma.easilyinspired wrote:His heart had shifted; his route had changed, so why couldn’t she bring herself to change lanes #FF0000 ">too. He’d fallen for #FF0000 ">another, why wasn’t she happy for him?
1. Make the comma a semicolon.easilyinspired wrote:Tucking a long curl of hair behind her delicate ear she picked out one of the #FF0000 ">photos, memories raced across her mind, blinding her with colour and sound, smell and taste.
1. Make the comma a semicolon.easilyinspired wrote:He had been pathetic enough to tell others but not #FF0000 ">Lily, she had discovered the truth by accident.
1. Maybe make it sound more like: "They had had their time, but now it was her time to shine."easilyinspired wrote:They had had their time, now it was her time, her time to shine.
Anyway, I like this. It may be a little cliche (and halfway through I was expecting her to commit suicide) but it's still a well written, strong piece.
Well, I'm horrible at reviewing, so I'm just going to comment. 
Points: 1352
Reviews: 16
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