Published March 19, 2005
i'm taking another stab after being torn savagely to shreads in my last post. it would seem that people look at the lateral and not beyond. sure there are times when all the laws of poetry should be used, but when it comes to writing for fun, i find it doesn't matter. i've shown this to a few people and none can interpret it.
Plea
On his knees on the cold, aching earth
His hands pressed against each other
The eyes, moist with tears, squinted together
The raggy head descending
‘I pray, I pray’
An unheard cry,
The feeble plea drowned
In the fodder of human ignorance
A weapon as harsh as death itself
The young man, still bows
Though his father’s eyes do not see him
‘Am I the lesser of them?’
‘Am I not your child also?’
Then a voice whispers to him
‘But your name is human’
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140,223 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
cheers. yeah, now i read it back, some alters in punctuation wouldn't go astray. do you guys want an explaination? i mean as Nikki has said people like to work it out for themselves.
I liked it, didn't make much sense, but that's okay. It was still reallly good.
Only grammar thing: In the third stanza, first line, take out the comma.
Other than that, I loved it.
This is good, but I wouldn't use it as your beginning. I think that it isn't quite strong enough for a beginning. Start off with a bang.
This was good, but it didn't flow at all. I loved the part where you said that human ignorance was a weapon as harsh as death itself. I would add a comma after ignorance.
You really just around in this poem. My heads spinning. I would change the first word, second line to Although. No comma after bow.
*turns poem upside down to try to understand it... This was a strong ending, but add two more lines before it to tie it together a little more.
All in all, it was an okay poem. Much better than your other one.....I thought you got a good topic this time (the topic isnt really clear) and it was original. I suggest that you reevaluate it and see if your meaning was put across. For the meaning, I got that the young man was considered less in his fathers eyes than his other unhuman children... I don't know... Keep writing![/i]
Didn't make sense to me, doesn't really matter. Nice poem anyways.
Cheers guys! anyone wanna interpret?
Well done - this is a really good poem! Normally I'm not a real fan of non-rhyming poetry, but this poem is different. I loved the ending - it sort of left me hanging, but I still felt a sense of closure...I don't know. Anyway, well done, and keep writing!
I liked it, especially the end. It really brought everything together and expressed the main emotion of the poem. Well done.
Its a beautiful poem. I can somehow interpret what this signifies, but its hard to explain. You have great talent though, dyingmoon, I love it. Don't doubt your talents, and I agree, when some people edit they accidentaly forget that these are just written for fun most of the time.
I know I forget that, and I can get kind of strict.
Kudos for writing so well!
-Dreami