When you have to choose between contributing genuinely good ideas and then replaying what you said over and over in your head hours later, or holding your tongue and regretting that you never give yourself a chance to be heard.
When the normal stresses of adult life mix with your anxiety to form an internal Molotov cocktail, one day exploding and hurting those who care, time and time again turning you into the monster your crippling self-esteem has always told you that you are.
When you wish siestas were culturally accepted here because anxiety is a full time job that you never get to clock out from and you always feel so tired even with eight hours a night.
When you develop a caffeine dependency just to find the energy to get through the work day and the drug puts you even more on edge, feeding back into your anxiety.
When there are weekends when you spend more time slumbering then awake because sleeping is the only place where your brain turns off.
When you have to fully remake your bed every morning because your anxiety-dream-induced tossing pulls all the sheets free.
When you know that they still love you but you just have to check in case they changed their mind overnight.
When you don’t get scared in horror movies because at least you can be certain this danger is not right.
Until you are awake at 2am alone in a dark house and the doubt creeps in.
When your heart rate spikes into the fat burning zone when you let your thoughts wander in the wrong direction.
When you are kept up for hours wondering what you ever did to make yourself your biggest critic.
When you are so sure diaster is imminent, but then things go better than good, and all that adrenaline turns to elation, and you just feel so happy.
Until you come down from that high and get caught up on how goofy you looked with that uncontrollable grin.
When the world is spinning, the floor drops out beneath you, you can't breathe, drowning in a room full of oxygen, your chest has caved in, trapping your lungs, your ears roar, where did these tears come from, your heartbeat shakes through you, or are those sobs, why aren't your hands holding still, you can't hold a single thought, except that you are absolutely certain that you are going to die, now.
When you have gotten good at pretending that everything is ok and when it all starts imploding inside, outwardly people just think you are being aloof.
When an acquaintance ask if you are fine, because you haven't been talking much today, you just smile and say you are fine. You can't tell them that right now your body thinks you are about to be attacked to be a lion and it is all you can do to remember to breathe right now.
When you spend half your life stuck in the fantasy world you create in your head to escape because it is the only place where you get to set the rules.
When you never get to pen that novel you desperately want to write because you are petrified that what you produce will not be perfect and that will mean you are a failure.
When anxiety is so part of who you are you don’t know how to untangle yourself from it and you couldn’t fathom who you would be without it.
Everyone feel anxious sometimes.
Me, I just got an unhealthily large dose.