Behind the mountains the midnight blue waters float under the full moon. In front of the waters a wooden dock sits.
There a girl sits. About the age of fourteen, she is exited about the last day of school. The day when summer comes, no more homework, no more early mornings, just time with friends. Her name.....Ella.
Tired, she dragged herself up the steps of her father's two story house to her bedroom. Without pulling the covers down, she fell asleep before her head hit the pillow.
" BRRRRRRRIIIINNNNGGGGGG." The sound of her alarm clock made her wake up instantly and jump out of bed. After her shower she picked out her clothes and headed to school.
At school after her dad dropped her off, she met up with her best friend Lilly and they walked to their homeroom class in the last day of 8th grade. Unfortunately Lilly's assigned seat was at the other side of the room, while Ella Had to sit by this kid, Aaron, that was new a couple months ago and is now really popular. Ella didn't and probably never will be labeled as a popular kid, But she still had to sit be him. She did like him,but like a friend He liked her to but he wouldn't admit it in public. They only hung out once Lilly started dating his best friend Cody, and she didn't want to go alone so they each took their best friend on like a double date.
At school they read and they wrote until the final bell rung.
Then her and Lilly went to the mall where she met up with Cody and Aaron.
After awhile the two groups got separated. Ella with Aaron, and Lilly with Cody.
While walking in and out of stores, they started talking about each other and everything else, when they got to the subject of relationships and friendships, Aaron said he liked her, more then a friend, and she admitted that she likesd him back.
TWO WEEKS LATER
They got along perfectly. No kissing or hugging, just really close friendship.
They got their chance to go to the movie....alone....and they took it.
She rested her head on his shoulder, he played with her hair. They held hands for the first time walking out of the theater. He asked her to be his girlfriend, and of course she said yes.
Their first fight came exactly one week and three days later. She told him he wasnt putting any effort into the relationship, and he spoke his feelings. They came to an agreement and were fine. Even when they fought, they never broke up. The one thing that they had in common was that they loved each other.
NEW YEARS (four weeks later)
They sat together in his basement getting ready to watch the ball drop. When it did he whispered her name, she looked over at him, he grabbed her face and kissed her. He said "I've been wanting to do that for a while. I was waiting for the right time!!!"
The Bad News
Just before the last week of summer, Aaron had to confront Ella that he was moving...far away. He cried...a lot, she cried...even more. They didn't want it to end, but it had to. Ella moved on. Busy with school and other stuff, but she never had one moment where she didn't think about Aaron. She had an empty hole that only he could fill.
Five Years Later
No. She never forgot him even at nineteen. She had moved out of her dads house and into an apartment far away. She had just moved in and was settling in, when the door opened and to her surprise it was Aaron...All grown up. It was like a move picture perfect. That night they talked. They talked the whole night on her couch side by side, finally together again. He told her he loved her and he never stopped thinking about her, She told him the same. It turns out he was it the apartment just below hers. They would never have that empty hole.
6 more years later
They got married straight out of college ,and had a six month old boy.....and a two year old girl. Their names....Lilly and Cody, the ones who got them together.
This is my kind of like my outline for this story, (kind of like parts of different chapters), its not great I know, but this is the first(very rough)draft and it hasn't been modified (at all) it will be longer and more in depth.
p.s. I know its sloppy but I was in a rush
Aw! I love this! It's so cute. I love it when stories end happily like that.
Still, you kinda need punctuation and stuff. It just makes it easier to read. And if you keep the reader entertained, they'll read the whole thing. Which is what most people want when they write something.
Even though this story was posted forever ago, I hope you write more. I really like the idea you have going. It's great.
Hi dustyblonde004. Welcome to YWS. My name's alwaysawriter, one of the many Instructors (people with purple names; our job is to give in-depth reviews and post writing tips) here, and I'll be your reviewer for today. Since Lily and everyone else covered the grammar part of it, I'm just going to go through the rest of it. If it's repetitive, I'm sorry in advance. I'm sorry for being harsh/possibly just mean.
As Lily pointed out, this is clichéd . Because of that, it doesn't make a great opening line and therefore doesn't hook the reader. Your job as a writer is to do that: hook the reader in the beginning so they keep reading. Try opening with a scene instead. Maybe Emma's sitting on the porch with a book open but she's too excited to read because school's almost over?Behind the mountains the midnight blue waters float under the full moon.
In all of the ellipses you put in the story, I can't find a single one that needs them. Ellipses should only be used to show that you're leaving out words in a sentence. Take all of the elllipses out and replace them with words. In this case, replace it was Was.Her name.....Ella.
Take out Tired because you're just saying the same thing in the rest of the sentence. These two lines are repetitive so I'd suggest taking out the second line.[s]Tired[/s], she dragged herself up the steps of her father's two story house to her bedroom. Without pulling the covers down, she fell asleep before her head hit the pillow.
Then [s]her[/s]she and Lilly went to the mall where she met up with Cody and Aaron.
As a reader, I don't care what she does at school. I understand why you'd put that in but I'd suggest taking it out. If you do that, you can just begin the next sentence with Later, rather than Then.At school they read and they wrote until the final bell rung.
A lot of grammatical errors in that sentence, which I went ahead and corrected them for you.While walking in and out of stores, they started talking about each other and everything else, when they got to the subject of relationships and friendships. Aaron said he liked her, more than just a friend, and she admitted that she like[s]s[/s]d him back.
There's something else about it, though. I don't like how they went from being friends during school and all of a sudden, they hung out at the mall and they admitted that they liked each other. Maybe it happend too fast? Another thing that bothers me is how they got into such a personal conversation at the mall. I mean, there's tons of people at a mall and I wouldn't think that kind of conversation would take place there. That's just a personal opinion though; I don't really go to malls so maybe that sort of stuff happens all the time.Once again, maybe this is just me, but if they've been going out for four weeks at that point, wouldn't he have already kissed her? Watch the exclamation points; you only need one to get your point across.He said "I've been wanting to do that for a while. I was waiting for the right time!!!"
I'm sorry but a guy cried? That rarely ever happens.He cried...a lot,
It didn't have to end; they could've talked through e-mail, IM, webcam, letters, etc.They didn't want it to end, but it had to.
This sentence sounds a little weird. I'd suggest taking out the But.Busy with school and other stuff, but she never had one moment where she didn't think about Aaron.
Clichéd again. It's every girl's dream for that to happen but in reality, does it? It does but it's highly unlikely. Him ending up having an apartment below hers is even less realistic. At least let them remeet at a park or something. Maybe let there be awkwardness in the beginning and let them have doubts about whether the other one still loves them or not.She had just moved in and was settling in, when the door opened and to her surprise it was Aaron...All grown up. It was like a move picture perfect. That night they talked. They talked the whole night on her couch side by side, finally together again. He told her he loved her and he never stopped thinking about her, She told him the same. It turns out he was it the apartment just below hers. They would never have that empty hole.
Don't forget to make two reviews for posting this. If you need help writing a review, maybe this article that I wrote will help.
Hey there dusty, and welcome to YWS! 
The rules over here are that your reviews-posts ratio should be 2:1. In normal English, it basically means that for every piece you post, you must do two reviews. That keeps things in balance, and ensures that nearly everyone will have the chance to get their work read. So try to do those two little reviews, and I'll be back to critique.
Furthermore, a little tip: try to minimalise spelling and grammatical errors - and definately no Caps Lock. On the computer, Caps Lock is basically like screaming at the reader, which I'm sure you don't intend. xD See, you know what you meant to write, so your eyes just fill in the blanks, overlook typos, etc. That’s why you need to get a little distance. So after you write a first draft, go get a cup of coffee or take a walk to clear your head.
I have a few quick steps to help you edit:
Step One: Imagine you’re not you.
Instead, imagine you’re the intended audience reading your document for the first time. The big questions you want to answer here are:
Does it make sense? Would the reader understand what you’re trying to say?
Does it hold your interest from start to finish?
Does it include all the information you need
Step Two: Is your writing PHAT or fat?
I don’t mean to give your writing body image issues, but if it’s not lean and mean, you’ve got some work to do. Here are three ways to lose the fat:
Trim long sentences: If any are longer than 25 words or so, consider turning them into two sentences or removing any unnecessary words.
Slim down the words: Replace long words and phrases with short ones. In other words, why say “ascertain the location of” when you can just say “find”?
Remember that black flatters figures, but white flatters writing: Nothing is more daunting to a reader than a dense block of text. Add some breathing room with white space between paragraphs, bold subheads and (where appropriate) bullet points.
Step Three: Listen to your high school English teacher
Good writing is error-free. This means perfect spelling and no typos.
Check for the correct use of homonyms like to/too/two, their/they’re/there, etc. Spellcheck doesn’t always make those distinctions.
Confirm you’ve spelled all names correctly. This mistake can be particularly embarrassing.
Good writing avoids the energy-draining passive voice. Write Bob threw the ball. Not The ball was thrown by Bob.
Good writing is formatted correctly. Check your margins, use of spacing and consistency in style of headings — font, bold or not bold, capitalization, etc.
Step Four: Now clean it up and read it again. Out loud.
After you’ve made your revisions, print your document (don’t edit onscreen!) and read it again. If you’re in a crowded office, whisper instead, but don’t skip this step. You’ll be amazed at how much you’ll catch.
Yay, I’m done! Does that mean it’s perfect?
Don’t feel bad, but probably not. Editing is a real skill that can take years to perfect. But if you follow these recommendations, you’ll greatly improve whatever you write. You’ll have done your best, which is all anyone can really ask.
Good Luck!
-Sarah
What's with the long pause? Just say: "Her name: Ella"Her name.....Ella.
Woah. I was wondering why the story was absolutely zooming so quickly over meeting and liking and admitting and loving and then turns out it's an outline. Well, anyway, the outline has a lot of typos and stuff like that. I think the others pointed it out already so no need for me to restate. Anyway, good luck with the non-outline version of this.
dustyblonde004 wrote:Behind the mountains the midnight blue waters float under the full moon. In front of the waters a wooden dock sits.Cliche. If this is an outline, you can omit this.
There a girl sits. Repetitive! About the age of fourteen, she is excited about the last day of school. The day when summer comes, no more homework, no more early mornings, just time with friends. Her name.....Ella. I think this line is out of place. As well as the ".....".
Tired, she dragged herself up the steps of her father's two story house to her bedroom. I thought it was in present tense? And correct me if this is just a " another country's English" difference, but isn't it "storey"? Without pulling the covers down, she fell asleep before her head hit the pillow.
" BRRRRRRRIIIINNNNGGGGGG." The sound of her alarm clock made her wake up instantly and jump out of bed. After her shower she picked out her clothes and headed to school. You don't need to put most of this stuff if you are writing an outline.
At school after her dad dropped her off, she met up with her best friend Lilly and they walked to their homeroom class. Unfortunately Lilly's assigned seat was at the other side of the room, while Ella had to sit by this kid, Aaron, who was new a couple months ago but was now really popular. Ella wasn't and probably never would've been labeled as a popular kid, but she still had to sit beside him. Why the "but"? She did like him, but as a friend. He liked her too but he wouldn't admit it in public. They only hung out once Lilly started dating his best friend Cody, and she didn't want to go alone so they each took their best friend on like a double date.
At school they read and they wrote until the final bell rung. Pretty lame sentence. Don't make a new paragraph. Then she and Lilly went to the mall where they met up with Cody and Aaron.
After a while the two groups got separated, Ella with Aaron, and Lilly with Cody.
While walking in and out of stores, they started talking about each other and everything else. When they got to the subject of relationships and friendships, Aaron said he liked her as more than a friend, and she admitted that she liked him back.
TWO WEEKS LATER
They got along perfectly. No kissing or hugging, just really close friendship.
They got their chance to go to the movies alone... and they took it.
She rested her head on his shoulder, he played with her hair. They held hands for the first time walking out of the theatre. He asked her to be his girlfriend, and of course she said yes.
Their first fight came exactly one week and three days later. She told him he wasn't putting any effort into the relationship, and he spoke his feelings. They came to an agreement and were fine. Even when they fought, they never broke up. The one thing that they had in common was that they loved each other.
NEW YEARS (four weeks later)
They sat together in his basement getting ready to watch the ball drop. When it did he whispered her name, she looked over at him, he grabbed her face and kissed her. He said, "I've been wanting to do that for a while. I was waiting for the right time!" It sounds ridiculously corny.
The Bad News
Just before the last week of summer, Aaron had to confront Ella that he was moving...far away. He cried...a lot, she cried...even more. Stop using so many "..."s. They didn't want it to end, but it had to. Ella moved on. Though busy with school and other stuff, she never had one moment when she didn't think about Aaron. She had an empty hole that only he could fill. Cliche again.
Five Years Later
No. She never forgot him even at nineteen. She had moved out of her dad's house and into an apartment far away. She had just moved in and was settling in, when the door opened and to her surprise it was Aaron... All grown up. It was like a movie: picture perfect. That night they talked. They talked the whole night on her couch side by side, finally together again. Boringly repetitive. It does not add much to the picture. He told her he loved her and he never stopped thinking about her, She told him the same. It turned out he was it the apartment just below hers. They would never have that empty hole again.
6 more years later
They got married straight out of college, and had a six month old boy and a two year old girl. No more "...", please. And sorry, you can't have a six month old boy or two-year-old girl. You have to have them before they grow up. And their names were Lilly and Cody, the ones who got them together.
This is my kind of like my outline for this story, (kind of like parts of different chapters), its not great I know, but this is the first(very rough)draft and it hasn't been modified (at all) it will be longer and more in depth.
p.s. I know it's sloppy but I was in a rush.
First can I remind you that you are supposed to have a 2-1 ratio of reviews-posts. Second, I am not going to point out every instance (although it would make my post a lot longer) but you need to capitalise 'I', put spaces after commas and after full stops and take some care with your spelling. There is a 'check spelling' option when posting, I suggest you use it.
Tired,she drug herself up the steps of her fathers two story house to her bedroom.Without pulling the covers down,she fell asleep before her head hit the pillow.
Their first fight came exactly one week and three days later.She told him he wasnt putting any effort into the relationship,and he spoke his feelings.They came to an agreement and were fine.
He said I've been wanting to do that but i wanted it to be special!
Um, it's an uh, well really rushed outline, maybe you can edit it. I know it's aan outline but even an outline gives no writer a reason to be sloppy, no offence, but you should capitailize words like "i" sorry I'm not really a grammer person or much of a spelling person.
My advice would be for you to take a chance, don''t be afraid to go a little wild and start writing your first draft on paper, after that you can edit and type it up and post it on YWS. Remember we're not perfect, let us tell you if it's good, or what you can fix.
I know alot of take it, but if you have any questions or comments don't be afraid go ahead and PM me.
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