Smile for me please
I hate it when you're hurting
Just smile for me please
Everything will be alright
You've always been there for me
You can always make me smile
Now I'd like to return the favor
I beg you please smile for me
Just one little smile
Why are you sitting there in silence?
Just give me a real smile
Your bad mood is unnatural
I wish there was something I could say
Or something I could do
To steal the pain away
Or better yet steal away your bad mood
To make you smile at me again
Smile for me please
I hate it when you're hurting
Just please smile for me
Everything will be okay one day
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I really liked this. It reminds me of when I'm trying to cheer someone up and end up making it worse. I hate it when I'm in a position where a person I can rely on to be happy and cheerful is stuck in a funk. I actually kind of enjoyed the repetition. However, I don't think the last, little line really flows with it all. It could've been a bit better written.
Well to add to what Griffin and Persephoneia have said, I think you should describe your friend's sadness a little more. The poem also repeats a lot. I think the best way you can focus your thoughts is to use stanzas. One to beg for a smile, one to ask all the questions, one to tell the person that despite what happened (And allude to what happened) that everything will be okay as you did in the end. Then try and make them smile, or at least look at you. Then beg for the smile once again.
I have to agree with the other review- try incorporating some genuine love, some imagery, some emotion of another type. There's a lot of repetition in this, and a lot of awkwardly phrased lines- I would go through and sort out both. I really do like the concept, and parts of it are really good, but I think you could change some of it to sound more genuine, and less forceful. This kind of sounds like a friend who's sick of another's frown, and doesn't care what the problem behind it is.
Overall, I do think that this was a good piece, and had a great concept behind it- I would just work on changing the tone/voice.
-Coral-
Welcome to YWS!
Overall, the poem reminds me of one of those friends who means well and wants to cheer you up, but just ends up annoying you. So, if you were going for that, congratulations. You did it. But maybe you wanted this poem to genuinely cheer someone up. In that case...
The reason it is annoying versus encouraging is because there is a lot of repetition. "Come on, smile for me. You made me smile, so this is
paybackme returning the favor. The theme is kind of repeated throughout.When I'm in a bad mood, my sister, Snoink, will try to cheer me up by saying smile. If it doesn't work, she'll resort to making funny faces at me until I start laughing. I think if the narrator started to be more creative in the ways to cheer them up, like making funny faces or doing silly dances, or something equally ridiculous then it might be more endearing to the readers.
"Look, I got a blimp. Won't you smile?"