Published November 2, 2010
He makes me feel like I am something special.
Something that can catch an eye.
Something good enough to live.
Living. Isn't it great?
When you breath the flowers he gave you,
You know you're living.
He has the power.
He can make you smile.
You sure feel special when you're touched.
Touching. Not always great.
When he gets mad he pushes.
Pushes till you're dead, you can no longer go on.
Being dead sure has a look.
A look that catches an eye.
That eye tells me I don't need him to live and be good.
The rose is dead, but I, I am still living.
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141,413 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
This is a very good poem. The words come very naturally, and feel like the speaker is actually holding a conversation with me. Believe it or not, that can be difficult in poetry. But you did a good job. And I liked the use of simple and clear language to express the speaker's thoughts and emotions, along with the simple and clear phrases like "Pushes till your dead, you can no longer go on." All too often a writer tries to use these complex metaphors and similes, when something as simple and common as "Pushes till your dead" would be much more effective.
Obviously, the subject can go either way with drawing in the reader; it's starts off as a sappy romance poem, then devolves (or evolves) into one of abuse and pain. The combination of these 2 feelings is a great technique to make the speaker sympathetic and explain the story behind the poem, but the beginning can drive readers away (I almost didn't finish reading the poem after the first few lines because I assumed it was a simply written love poem), while the ending will frighten the readers who just want to read some love poetry. But, that's the risk you run with any poem like this. And you make it clear that it's done being a love poem, which is good. You need to have a definite change in emotion for the second half to be effective.
Also, I feel like this would be better in sonnet form. You already have the turn (the part in a sonnet where the emotion changes), a possible couplet to end on, and you're just 2 lines over. All you need is a rhyme scheme and you're golden. Or, I could suggest making it a bit longer. Each side, especially the lovey-dovey part, feels abbreviated. Not exactly sure how you could extent it, but I'd suggest you do if you don't go for a sonnet
I would suggest proof-reading your poem. I'm not going to pick out the individual mistakes, but just watch grammar and punctuation and spelling. Nothing ruins a poem than seeing a "your" where a "you're" should be.
Overall, this is a very good poem. While I do find some faults, those are just minor quibbles that don't need to be addressed (minus the proof-reading).
Hehehehehe... I know the feeling. *Dances around the topic* I like this poem. Oh, yeah! Keep writing!