autumn

Hi there

I think this poem needs a lot more work done to it. It seemed like you were trying to think of a word that started with the correct letter and then somehow used it in a sentence. However the sentences don't really connect to each other in any way so it doesn't seem like a poem.

I agree with everything Calligraphy has said and I think you need to think back of this poem. It is nice to seem a poem in this form though, as it is something really different.

Deanie x

Ahh, Title-Down Poetry! Or, at least that is what I think they called it in middle school. I haven't read this type of poetry in forever, and it is nice to see that someone is trying to write this without it being a school assignment.

My main problem with this poem that it is slightly choppy. The thoughts in this poem aren't really relevant to each other. After I was done reading I had just a few facts to take away 'autumn is dry in Pakistan', 'the leaves turn yellow brown', 'you don't need an umbrella', and some animals start to hibernate at this time of year'. None of this really fits together. Do you live in Pakistan? Or else that is no where near relevant. Why would the leaves turn blue exactly? I don't know anyone who thinks leaves turn blue. The umbrella comment seems like it should go with the Pakistan part so it breaks up the flow. Plus, I don't think mice or monkeys sleep in fall...

Here is an example of what I am talking about: Blue

Being down is
Lousy,
Ugh, but
Everyone is down sometimes.

In the poem above all the thoughts were strung together. It was a lot easier to read that way. Do you get what I mean. Plus in the poem above I felt some emotion. They didn't like being down, but they knew that everyone has bad days so it was okay. In your poem I didn't really feel your opinion on fall. Do you hate it or love it?

For example some of your poem could have gone like this:

Autumn has arrived
Ugh, back to school time
True, I get to see my friends, but
Ultimately school is only fun if you are popular
Maybe this year I'll just ignore climbing up the ladder. Autumn could be a lot
Nicer this year if I didn't worry about school.

Okay, so this isn't the best poem, but it least you know my opinion about autumn 'It sort of sucks because you have to go back to school.' When you read a poem you want to come away with an emotion or opinion. A poem needs that. It is sort of how an essay needs a thesis statement so the reader knows what it will be about.

That's all I have time for now. I hope this helps! If you have any questions please P.M. me. I really did like your poem. I just like to focus on improving more than telling you what you did right.

- Calli