Sometime’s there’s no warning. Nothing at all. It seems as if nothing can go wrong. Everything is perfect. And then, just when you think life can’t get any better…when you think heavens not good enough…
There’s no warning. Nothing at all.
The rush of cold water filled me with pleasure as I plunged into the depths of the ocean. I could feel the waters heartbeat. I could hear it whispering secrets in my ear. I was in paradise.
I loved being in the eerie stillness of the water. The everlasting blue that sat gracefully before me was enough to change someone’s life. It changed mine. Ever since I was 7 years old, I have been in love with the ocean.
My uncle was still on the boat. I was impatiently waiting for him just underneath the calm surface. I was so eager to start exploring this underwater Eden. It felt like a life time, waiting for Uncle Harry. I couldn’t wait for much longer..
Then I saw the surface break, with a million bubbles encircling me and the underside of the froth as it stuck to the ceiling above me. And there he was, treading water right in front of me. We were both underwater now.
How I wish I’d gone back. How I wished I’d turned around climbed back on the boat and sailed away as fast as I could. But I couldn’t.
There was no warning. Nothing at all.
Uncle Harry rubbed his hands and gave me the signal to get in line. We were about to race! We always raced when we came to the ocean. It was our own tradition. We were both in line. We looked at each other. He pointed at me and then drew his finger across his throat. I laughed very hard.
He raised his fist for the countdown. 1…2…3!
I kicked off from the boat and shot through the restraints of the cold blue wonderland. After swimming for about 5 seconds, I looked back and saw uncle Harry about a metre behind me. He caught up within a few seconds.
We forgot about the race for a moment and we swam together as one. I put my arm around his shoulder and head and we wrestled for a while.
He eventually got me in a headlock…
But then his grip suddenly loosened.
Laughing I broke off from his arm and kicked off of him and swam away in spirals. When I was about 10 metres away I stopped and turned around with my fingers in my ears and my tongue out, expecting to see him laugh. He wasn’t. He was looking very frightened. He was waving his hands above his head frantically.
Something was wrong.
He was panicking now. I had my hands raised and my head tilted, questioning his abrupt mood change. I squinted so I could see his face better. He looked terrified. His eyes were wide with fear. I mouthed the word ‘What?’ He pointed to my left . I turned to see where he was pointing…
And then I saw it.
Terror flooded through my veins.
An enormous grey shark was surging towards us. Its mouth wide open, its teeth like long breadknives sticking out of its giant red gums. It must have been about 9 metres long.
Panic had replaced my brain. I suddenly realised how slow I was moving. It was now ten metres away from me.
I frantically kicked the water and swam as fast as I could downwards. Then it hit me. Its skin was like sand paper. Luckily it only struck me with its tail. I gave a gurgled yell. I looked down at my chest and saw I was bleeding. It was extremely painful. Without thinking I swam away in a different direction, it felt like was going further down, but I couldn’t tell anymore, hoping I would lose it. Not long after I started swimming, a thought pierced my head like a dart.
Uncle Harry! I turned around to try and see where he was.
What I saw would remain in my memory forever.
The water had turned red. The whole world had frozen. This wasn’t happening.
There was a small dark shape in the midst of the scarlet water. It looked like a hand. I locked eyes with it and the world fell away. This wasn’t happening.
This truly was hell. No poet would ever be able to describe this. Crimson liquid had engulfed me. The bloody water was all over me, in my hair, on my face, on my skin…
Then, through the foggy red mist, I saw it, the huge lumbering shark that had just destroyed my uncle.
Without thinking and with my eyes closed, I shot upwards towards the surface praying that I would hit wood from the boat so I could climb on.
His grip suddenly loosened…when we were wrestling… he must have seen it coming… but there was no warning…anything at all…I broke through the surface flailing my arms wildly.
They didn’t hit anything. There was no boat. I opened my eyes and looked about to discover that, to my horror, the boat was at least 20 metres away! Not knowing what to do, I looked down.
This was the most terrifying sight of all. I couldn’t do anything.
A huge set of jaws was surging up towards me. Then I started screaming….
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Canary word: Present
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This doesn't quite make sense. I would try "None at all."
Need some apostrophes:
Either you meant to have an ellipsis here or you added an extra period.
This is kind of an awkward verb for the noun "everlasting blue."
Capitalize the "u" in "uncle."
Again, probably not things the normal person (assuming he is a normal person) would want to do underwater. Mouth open=water in.
Just a space between the word "left" and the period.
Was it really? More terrifying than the blood and seeing his uncle die? I mean it definitely could be, but just make sure that's what you want.
I also caught a few unnecessary ellipses at the end of sentences. If it's the end of a sentence, especially at the end of a paragraph, there's a pause anyway, so you don't really need them.
This seems to be quite a long time for them to be holding their breath underwater, particularly the MC. Perhaps have them come to the surface for part of it and then go back down?
What I particularly liked about this piece was that despite the fact that it was relatively short, you managed to establish quite a bit of information and have some action in there too. You made the uncle's death more terrible and the reader had more sympathy over it because we saw him share this moment with his nephew. It's things like that that really make this story good.