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The beast on the beach

by drummerboyb


(this is just a first draft so plz be nice when you reveiw it.

enjoy!)

plz write a comment!

The last few people were walking off the beach. It was a slow day today. Nobody drowning or getting into trouble. I might as well have not have been here at all. People don’t need lifeguards as much as they did about a year ago. I packed my stuff up and started to leave. The beach seemed like it changed at night, I thought as I walked up the beach. It seemed to get more mysterious when the sun goes down. I realised I left my watch beside the ‘tall chair’ on the beach.

As I went to go back and pick it up I stared at the ocean. It had a hypnotising quality about it. I could have stared at it all night. watching the waves going in and out and in and out almost put me in a trance. I loved to watch the top of each wave as it curled over and crashed into the sand.

As I watched it I realised that each time the wave curled over the foamy part at the top got larger.

Now it seemed like the waves were crashing against something. There must be a rock out there. But then why did it get larger and larger each time a wave came in? it was as if the waves were pushing it towards me.

But no. it was moving on its own.

It was only 15 meters away from me now. Because of the darkness I couldn’t make out the details of this…thing.

Was it an animal? Maybe a tortoise or a seal?

It stopped. It was at least 12 feet away from me. I started to shake from cold…and from fear. I couldn’t be sure, because of the lack of light, but it looked like it was…standing up!

It was crouching on two legs in front of me.

It was a man.

I could now see the reflection of the moon in its…his eyes. And then… he sprung! As he knocked me over with his fist sending me flying 5 feet away, I heard his scream. It was more a snarl then a scream. It was high pitched and horrible. So, so horrible.

When I opened my eyes he was looking down on me.

I froze in horror.

“40 years” he whispered. His voice had a wavering tone in it. Not the kind that you get in your voice when you’re about to cry, The kind that that you get when your throat has been sliced from the inside. It was not normal at all.

“40 years. 40 years in that wretched ocean. 40 years ever since it attacked me. 40 long, lonely, horrific years!” it screamed once more.

“Wh-wh-who-who ar-are y-y-you?” I said in paralyzing fear. He didn’t seem to hear me.

“and now…” he carried on. “land! Land! I am on land! No more water! No more everlasting blue and pain!” he looked dazed and disoriented as he examined the beach. “The ground seems to be rippling. Everything is choppy, like the waves of that haunting ocean. It must be a mirage.”

“who-who are yo-you?” I said a little more steady. He still didn’t hear me. However a look of alarm swept on his face.

“The beast!” he screamed

“The beast! Ahh the wretched beast! It stalked me for 40 years! I thought I would outlive it. But it hunted me for 40 damned years!

Tentacles the size of an island! And it spoke to me!”

I could see the haunted look in his eyes. Fear had worn away everything that he was. His soul, his being was beyond repair.


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Thu Jan 18, 2007 8:27 pm
Vanessa F-O wrote a review...



I think that the part when you are talking about how far away the beast isin the water you shouldnt be so precise about how far away the beast is.

I like when you were asking the beast who he was how you acted so scared in your dialog.

The thing that i liked about your story the most is it makes you feel like you are inside the storyit really sucks you in and leaves you wanting more.

one thing you need to describe more in the story is the beast why he was ranting and raving about 40 yrs? what drained the soul out of him? why was he so scared? what was folling him?




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Thu Jan 18, 2007 12:43 am
writergirl007 wrote a review...



This is good. There was a part where you used that twice and it was not needed. I think there should be more description of the day. This is really short, but it is good. I would also suggest breaking up your paragraphs a little more. That would make it easier to read. 8) This is really good though. I will be keeping an eye out for more! Writergirl :D




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Thu Jan 18, 2007 12:20 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



Very interesting; I agree with much of what Snoinkles said, although the sunset stuff isnt really necessary. But yes, kudos on the good story...I do hope you explain how a man could survive for 40 years underwater, unless ofcourse he is not a man afterall.

Indeed, write more! Hahaha, its not great writing, but it is good.




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Thu Jan 18, 2007 12:15 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Ahh.. interesting beginning! I don't know... I suppose I'm a sucker for those stories with sea creatures. That's why I like "Jaws" so much.

A couple of things to think about...

Describe a little bit about the day in the introduction. Like, you know how horror movies are where everything's all normal and then it quickly gets strange? I think this might be better that way. So you make everything appear to be all normal and then BAM! Something exciting happens! It'll pack more of a punch, in any case.

Describe a little more about what's happening as he gets out, when he's still calm. I love descriptions about water and waves and to see a sunset... pretty! Make it sparkle on paper.

I think a little bit more description of the guy, how he acts, what his posture is, etc., might be very good too.

Anyway, continue this! Let's see what happens! :D





I'll show my defiance through ironic obedience!
— AstralHunter