Young Writers Society

First of all, stop abusing punctuation! It is an important part of all poetry. Poetry & Punctuation.

In the second poem, "mere human who" sounded very odd, and use used it much too often.

The first poem just seems too expected, only set differently. Someone dies, goes to heaven, and asks why. What is new in this? Not a whole lot, that feels very same-old same-old, so to speak.

The second one has good meaning, but not enough meaning. I think it was strangely written and maybe it was just the lack of punctuation but it was hard to read.

Try adding more imagery, and something to make me feel. These poems were meant well, but I couldn't feel anything and the concepts were slightly abstract in that they weren't personal ones. [I like personal poetry ]

Best of luck.

Hello! I also liked the first poem, though it truly lacks punctuation!! There should be a period after resistance, I believe.

Umm, maybe you would also like to replace the first 'and' with 'while', so that it reads like this:

'Rain falls down gently onto the weeping soil
That was just under the burden of bombardment
While shapes move out in the mountains
Untold multitudes of struggling resistance'

And then I really loved the lines of ''The souls of those who perished
Shall ascend to heavens as white flowers'', good thinking.

But then the last two lines don't seem as a right ending for such a poem; it's quite expected, you know, to ask 'why?' in war situations and stuff, but maybe you would like to put it in a different way in your poem.


Then, the second poem:

I liked the first line, but then the stanza becomes dull. There are a few errors there also, I think. First, the tenses (you speak in past tense and then in present tense). And there must be an article before 'mere human'...

And speaking of the mere human, well, it didn't work that well for me... It looks as you despise him, so I would suggest to be a bit more crude with it.

The 2nd stanza has a problem with the tenses, as well (I think it should be 'chose' instead of 'has chosen', plus the already mentioned 'sewn').

The last stanza started well, but then it degenerates and repeats the same thing you put in the firsts.

You should really work on the last poem; to me, it lacks so much to be a good one, maybe if you could work out the tenses and use articles, and stop repeating that the 'mere human' was laughing while burning the flag... well, it could become something better.

I really liked the first one. It was well-written, and it made sense. I love how descriptive you were. I could really see what was going on. So, good use of imagery. This was a really good poem. Thanks for sharing!

I liked the second one as well, but not as much asI liked the first one. When it talks about being "sown" It's actually spelled "sewn" but that's really the only typo I saw. Other than that, I liked it.


Well done!

xoxo
-Caitlin