The sound of footsteps slapped behind her as they splashed in the puddles left by the earlier rain. She screamed when she came to the end of the alley. A dead end. Stuck.
“Maria…” He said in a drawn out voice from behind her. She spun around and looked at him. Her eyes twinkled in the moonlight, revealing the horror she felt. From his sunglasses, she could see the reflection of the moon and her own terrified face. “I know that you were her Seeker.”
“Stay away from me!” Maria shrieked. She couldn’t stop shaking and looked fanatically for an exit. There was none. She backed up from him, and crashed into a wall.
His cruel smile gleamed in the thin moonlight. Maria’s eyes darted side to side like a scared mouse. She stared at him in horror, her heart beating rapidly in her chest. She wanted to curl up in a ball. She wanted to wake up from this bad dream. But it wasn’t a dream. She wanted him to leave her alone, to stop following her. She should have called the police the moment he showed up at her house.
“What did you two do with it?” He asked through gritted teeth.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
He pushed her hard against the wall. She winced. He grabbed her face lightly, right under her chin. She stared at him, tears sat in her eyes. “I know you were her Seeker. She was the Guardian. I know the truth. I know. Don’t you dare lie to me.” She nodded, her heart ringing in her head. “Now tell me what you did with it.” She froze and held her breath. He squeezed her chin, she whimpered. “Tell me.”
“I don’t know where it is.” She cried. Hoping, wishing that he’d let her go. He gripped a handful of her hair and pulled. She screamed, but he didn’t seem to care.
“You do know, you were her Seeker,” he growled, his eyes reflected the darkness in his soul.
She winced again. “Okay! Okay!” She screamed miserably, “I’ll tell you!” He squeezed her chin tighter and gave a light tug on her hair. “We didn’t live by the ocean,” She wailed, he pushed her harder against the wall. “She-she told me that when she passed, I was to throw the necklace into the ocean the first time I got the chance so I could pass it on for her!”
He held her even tighter. “And what did you do with it?!”
“She-she,” Maria stammered, “died three days later. I threw it into the ocean, like I-I promised!”
“When?!” He yelled. Maria started crying uncontrollably, couldn’t stop trembling, and was unable to keep control of her emotions
“She died sixteen years ago. I-I-I,” She stammered again, “I wasn’t able to throw it in the ocean till about thirteen years ago.”
“Where!”
“I threw it in the water, in New York City, in the bay!” Maria cried.
He glared at her, then let go. “You’re useless!” He yelled and slapped her hard. She cried fell over grabbed at her face.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” She moaned her voice shook making it sound uneven.
“A daughter! Does she have a daughter or son or something?” He shouted at her. “Was anyone in her family born on the same day that she died?”
“It doesn’t work like that!” She cried, “It doesn’t, it doesn’t. The next Guardian isn’t always in the same family!”
“Then how does it work!”
“I don’t know, I don’t know.” She wailed, shielding her face.
“How old would the next one be?” He shouted.
“Sixteen, she-she died sixteen years ago!”
“Is it a girl or a guy?”
“I don’t know!”
“You do know!” He shouted like a little kid. She winced, “Now tell me!”
“I-I-It tends to be a girl, but-but it doesn’t have to be!’
“You’re useless, useless!” He bellowed grabbing her shirt and pulling her up and towards him.
“Let go! Let go!” She cried, slamming her fists against his chest. He rolled his eyes. The knife in his hand glistened in the moonlight.
Her screams didn’t last long. She fell to the ground in a bloody mess. He walked away with a bloody knife, leaving her dying in the alley
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I really, really liked this. It tells you just enough to be satisfied and leaves the rest uncovered to keep you reading. I'd really liked to follow this story to see where it goes.
From an editing standpoint, you had a few grammatical errors, but that's normal and easily fixed.
Great job and keep writing!
~Up
Oh, and I was confused at the very beginning when you said the footsteps were slapping, I personally would have used catching up or stomping or something of the sort.
Wow! I had no idea the world into which I was entering when I clicked on your title. Your story is quite fascinating! I was going to suggest at least hinting more about the girl and where she came from but then I saw the very last few sentences and I didn't really care as much anymore. I don't completely understand the guardian and seeker positions or whatever but I suppose I will discover that later on when I read the rest of the chapters.
Now onward. I really am looking forward to some plot development in future chapters and I am certain you will add incredible connections between the characters and myself. I recommend that for any readers who don't understand seekers and guardians you could explain that maybe. I realize it is a prologue but if I was a more reluctant reader and I read this portion I would probably put it back down. I personally would read it myself though. There were a few grammatical errors but it was just a comma here and there and one missing 'and'.
It was a very enjoyable read and I can't wait to get my eyes on the next passage!