Published April 7, 2011
Suicidal
I'm suicidal
You laughed at me when I told you that I am
suicidal
I'm suicidal
Just wanted your help to stop me from being
suicidal
Yes, suicidal
The damage you can do without much effort
When the trigger's pulled
You will surely find me
In a massive pool
of my own selfish blood
Whore!
Angry whore!
You angry whore!
You're such an angry whore!
Really mental
I'm really mental
You shrugged it off when I told you I'm feeling
really mental
I'm really mental
Just wanted you to hold me when I felt
really mental
Yes, really mental
The life you take without even much effort
When my body's drained
You will surely find me
In a massive pool
of my own selfish blood
Whore!
Needy whore!
You needy whore!
You're such a needy whore!
Whore!
Selfish whore!
You selfish whore!
You're such a selfish whore!
Whore!
Greedy whore!
You greedy whore!
You're such a greedy whore!
Whore!
Angry whore!
You angry whore!
You're such an angry whore!
Whore! (angry!)
Whore! (needy!)
Whore! (selfish!)
Whore! (greedy!)
I'm suicidal and I'm mental
I'm suicidal and I'm mental
You laughed it off
I wanted your help
You shrugged it off
You didn't notice
You laughed it off (the trigger's been pulled)
You shrugged it off (my body's been drained)
I wanted your help (the trigger's been pulled)
You wouldn't notice (my body's been drained)
In a massive...
A massive pool of my own selfish blood
my own selfish blood
Am I making you laugh now?
Am I making you angry now?
Are you gaining from me now?
Do you have enough attention?
Are you getting enough attention?
Death brings so much sympathy to my little narcissistic whore
Are you getting enough eyes on you?
My passing shines its spotlight for my little narcissistic whore
To my narcissistic little...
whore!
You narcissistic little whore!
You narcissistic little whore!
You narcissistic little whore!
You fucking narcissistic whore!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,415 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Hey there, Dreg. This was a pretty cool poem. Although, I have to say I didn't quite care for such over use of the word whore. Specifically here in the middle:
I think that makes twenty? Well, anyway, it's not the word exactly that I didn't like, more so the fact that you had such a nice strong flow going on with the repetition, and this may have gone a little overboard. Although, you seemed to have caught yourself towards the end again. I think that maybe if you toned it down a little right here in this section I pointed out, the poem would be consistently powerful in repetition. Maybe remove a stanza or two. It's the word "whore" that tarnishes it's ability to make that pattern work the four times you got it to.
Overall though, I loved how you made it work. Many times a certain kind of repetition can come off annoying, but this was just hostile enough to come off strong and less so annoying. At least in my opinion. Your hostility was very well projected, Dreg. Great job here.
I agree, at first I was wondering why it kept repeating the same lines, but it really put passion and feeling into this piece. It really makes you feel the anger felt when writing this. Keep up the great work!
WHOA! I LOVE this! At first, I was all like, 'why does he keep repeating the same lines?' but this poem is very passionate, and the repetitive lines seem to be a part of the poem now. I wonder, though: what inspired you to write this? It's all angsty and dramatic and stuff...