Published October 13, 2011
as life shall turn
all will burn
at the sight
of your great might
no one will learn
and their hearts will yearn
for the light
of your great might
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except to rhyme a little
Oh and what's this mean 'forgotten end to end' that seems like a forced attempt at rhyming. It makes no logical sense. It's probably where this falls down, the rhyming, it seems forced at some parts. This distract the reader. Overall: You should rewrite this if there still time because with the forced rhyming the droning and not emotionally impacting the readers. It looks bleak. Think about this.
I agree with JCK.
Your poem does rhyme and the rhyming is not too strained which is good but the whole message is a bit vague and does not provoke deeper questioning. I think it is good and simple but just needs to be a bit more powerful and contain some more emotion.
Keep at it though.
i know i havent really wrote very much so thanks for the comment.
Overall, I think it's very rushed and you didn't take much time to go over it. You could do with some practise but don't just give up writing, I think you have some class.
Well, you rhymed, and if that was your reason for writing this poem then I would say mission accomplished. It's simple and I like that, but this particular poem is perhaps a little bit too simple. It doesn't really inspire wonder or a want to question in me, which is something I personally love. Although I do know of others who have a strong distaste for it.
I can only assume you're talking of a religious being as I don't know much about you or any characters you may have created that this resembles. When a poem is released, most of the intention of the author is lost. What it means to you when you were writing it is different to what it means to me when I read it. That's why it really doesn't mean much to me, it's too vague to spark any emotion. Some people may feel differently, especially if they share in a theist belief, as that's the one vibe I got from this.
Overall, I think it's okay, and you did what you wanted; it rhymes. So you should be happy. But this one reviewer doesn't really relate to any messages you may have here.