Preface and 1rst chapter DONT ASK WHY THE SENTENCES ARE MESSED UP AND IT'S ROUCH DRAFT
Aghk! The tree branch burned as it scraped against my already injured arm.
I had to keep running, no matter how bad my legs hurt.
I whistled for my help, but I came to realize later that THEY were in the base
at this point. Anything could be happening to them.. but for right now, I'll have to
worry about my own life.
Still running.. not looking back, because if they are close.. I do not want to
get scared and lose my focus on trying to get underneath my destination. Almost there..
a few hundred more yards or so. I can hear their faint voices "Can't you see her
General?" or "She's getting away".. which scared me half to death.. just a few more
paces and ahaha! I looked up, happy to see I found the correct place.. I haven't been
here since I was a child.. in my dreams.
Staring up proudly with a few seconds to spare, I saw my old home.. a giant,
bright, almost beige cloud. It was only visible from this point.. very secretive. I sang a
high pitched screetch. A song of the Venetians.
Slowly, but surely enough.. a small portion of the cloud dissapeared and
what appeared in it's place was a beautifully decorated door, delicate embellishments
on opposite sides, a checkered pattern, just how I remembered...
The enemies were coming nearer.. I whistled once again.. what was left of my
"family" noticed me, I slowly started raising in the air.. the air was delicately balanced
with a nice aroma of freshly harvested strawberries. I was home, and I was free.
I daintly landed on a shortened path in front of the door, I lifted my frilled
dress and curtsied at the door, to find no one had been there. I poked my head in the
door, everything I dreamed up was not there.. no golden throne, no boxes.. nothing!
I realized that that cloud floated adrift a bit, I looked outside, I was
THOUSANDS OF FEET ABOVE WHERE I CAME FROM! I shut double-doors
shuddering, I locked them both and sunk to the floor sweating and panting.
I reached for my apron pocket, nestling on my lap. I pulled out a thick, long
periwinkle ribbon. I lifted my long golden locks from atop my shoulders and tied my
hair up. "How else would the door have opened?" Creepy..
I managed to force my self up.. I walked towards a pump sink and started
washing my scars, and even a burn on the left calf of my leg. I found some fresh
morning blue towels with golden embroidery and washed the blood and dirt off. I
walked over into a room, still the same! It had a small cubboard with Queen-like
dresses in them, I searched through the stack, I found a nice royal purple dress with
pearl-white puffed out sleeves and strip at the bottom of the dress, it was beautiful. I
pulled off my current wear. My dress had blood stains on it, and it was torn in places,
the light blue pattern had almost faded and the frills, my mother had ironed it too many
times, they were almost gone, but this new dress was gorgeous, perfect in every way. I
daintily slipped it on, it fit like a charm. I danced around, I was in my own little world,
I couldn't help but laughing as I fell down onto the polished, gleaming stone floor. This
place was so big! It was also very lonely..
I ran over to the next few rooms.. nothing..! I ran back to the front room so I
wouldn't get lost.. "Maybe if I just waited for someone.." I sat down against the uniquely
designed walls. I waited for a few hours, at least it seemed like hours. I had no time
device with or near me. Finally I decided to take a nap, I was tired and it will take my
hunger away... I drifted asleep on the cold, hard floor...
Racghet! Bam! Bam! Bam!
My eyes shot open! What was going on?! I'm still in Tin Kill Land, I
suppose.. maybe a different part? Where am I???
"Whatdaa? My ugh, my ugh arms! They're chained urrghhh against the
uhghh wall!! How uhhh is this urghhh possible? I created this darned place!"
"She awake now, Sir." I heard a faint voice say..
"Who are you?! I stared down the dark corridor, trying to make out a figure..
I screamed..
"Don't worry, girl. You're safe with us. Heh heh.. just be calm, we just want
you to answer a few questions.."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,843 Reviews
Yup, you should work on this rough draft more before posting.
You should work on:
Your spelling, punctuation, grammar, the usual.
You paragraphing is also poor.
Every paragraph is only a sentence long.
You should capitalise the necessary words appropriately.
Also, avoid capitalising your title. CAPS lock should be kept to a minimal in YWS. And when used in dialogue, italics would be better than capitalising.
~Have a nice day!
Feel free to PM me for a review when you smoothen things out
First of all, if this is just your rough draft, you need to rework it first. The lines should be arranged into paragraphs, and that would make your writing much easier to read and understand. I strongly suggest editing this.
This has an interesting horror-type feel. Why don't you rewrite this, and send me a PM when you're done? I'll do a more detailed critique then.