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Young Writers Society



The Bones of You

by dreamintechnicolour


She stared down at the dotted line. She glanced to the left to the small, dark door she had come in by. As she looked to her right she could see the sunlight streaming in through the crack around the big double doors at the other end of the warehouse. Through those doors was a new life. All she had to do was sign the paper.

A life of happiness in exchange for her freedom.

A drop of sweat rolled down the contours of her sunken face. If she signed, They would own her; she would just become another one of them. But the food, that glorious food. Huge, steaming platters heaped with food. She hadn’t eaten in months, living only off the chemicals in the air. She thought that she had perfected her emptiness, concave stomach, every bone showing, emaciated. But the thought of food still made her mouth water uncontrollably.

She was alive but not living.

On the other side of those doors there was everything that she needed; a warm house, water, sunshine, happiness, laughter, her friends, her parents. Her husband.

But not freedom.

As children, her unit had all sworn not to sign when the time came. They would forever be peaceful anarchists, unlike their parents who had signed and never came back for them.

They were all gone now, all beyond those doors; sitting in the sun, eating, drinking, laughing.

All of them had gone in swearing not to sign, but they did. They never came back. And just like her parents, she had never heard from them again.

It had been three weeks since her husband had signed. She was the only one of their unit remaining on this side of the doors. They had all broken the promise.

She looked again at the dotted line.

She saw her husband’s smiling face in front of her, his laugh ringing in her ears, him welcoming her into his open arms, telling her that he had only signed so they could have a good life together. But the faces of their daughter. Their little girl all alone in the city, overshadowed his image with rage.

How could he do this?

Torn, she stood motionless, then determinedly picked up the pen and signed along the line, tears streaming down her face.

She turned lightly on one foot and padded towards the exit.

One of the faceless officials moved over to the desk and looked over the contract. Across the line was her angry script: screw you and your system.

He turned and signaled to the others. As they pulled large machine guns out of their shapeless jackets, the sound of hundreds of spent casings falling to the ground rang out and echoed around the large warehouse.

In empty silence, they dragged her bleeding, mutilated body to the hidden door at the back. The door was unlocked and her body thrown to the top of the ever increasing pile.


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Points: 890
Reviews: 115

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Mon Sep 01, 2008 1:05 pm
andimlovegalore wrote a review...



I like the way you write a lot, your wording is easy for me to get through which is what I like the most =] something I don't have to work really hard to read. That's not to say your writing is simplistic, because it isn't at all, it's lovely.

The story is very nice, you captured a little pieece of some interesting wider conflict in a short piece, which is a good talent, but I really do want to know more. I like the compactness of this story, but I still want to know what the world she's from is like, I want to know about the unit she's in and what system she's rebelling against. It's interesting =D I wanna know! I'd love it if you did a bigger story based around this, or continued in the same way in another chapter.

I have a few things:

If she signed, They would own her

That capital shouldn't be there =]

She hadn’t eaten in months, living only off the chemicals in the air.

As far as I know, you can live for a maximum of about 6 weeks (medically speaking) without food and you'd still need water. I think months might be a bit long.

She thought that she had perfected her emptiness, concave stomach, every bone showing, emaciated. But the thought of food still made her mouth water uncontrollably.

This sounds SO much like a pro-ana slogan, I'm not starving I'm perfecting my emptiness. It's a great section though, you describe it perfectly.

She turned lightly on one foot and padded towards the exit.

Being so emaciated, she wouldn't be padding that much, more like staggering.

I love the ending, I was so glad she didn't just sign it, but at the same time I wished she had =[ this story brought in mind the holocaust and prisoners of war, as well as having a sci-fi sort of feel. Intriguing. Your writing is lovely.




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Mon Sep 01, 2008 2:40 am
Sam wrote a review...



Hey, dreamintechnicolor!

Ah, cool piece! It was short and sweet, but you managed to pack sci-fi fairy-tale feel into it that I really enjoyed. The character's conflict was great, too--something that's difficult to put into such a short piece. Just two quick things:

- Watch your sentence structure. Especially near the beginning, you were putting a lot of verbs in the second position, and using a lot of repetitive sentence structure. Of course, revising sentence structure is probably one of the most boring things in the world, but it's important. Believe it or not, but the grammar and syntax you use creates a rhythm--a rhythm that readers are very in-tune with. Silly things such as verb placement can make or break a piece.

- Short's good, but I felt that this was too short. It was too "big" a story to fit into this space--you had all that stuff about the past conflicts, the "organization", the conspiracy, the death. Use some more words, girl. ^_~

__

Thanks for the read! Sorry for the short critique--let me know if there's anything I can help you out with.





History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte