I like the way you write a lot, your wording is easy for me to get through which is what I like the most =] something I don't have to work really hard to read. That's not to say your writing is simplistic, because it isn't at all, it's lovely.
The story is very nice, you captured a little pieece of some interesting wider conflict in a short piece, which is a good talent, but I really do want to know more. I like the compactness of this story, but I still want to know what the world she's from is like, I want to know about the unit she's in and what system she's rebelling against. It's interesting =D I wanna know! I'd love it if you did a bigger story based around this, or continued in the same way in another chapter.
I have a few things:
If she signed, They would own her
That capital shouldn't be there =]
She hadn’t eaten in months, living only off the chemicals in the air.
As far as I know, you can live for a maximum of about 6 weeks (medically speaking) without food and you'd still need water. I think months might be a bit long.
She thought that she had perfected her emptiness, concave stomach, every bone showing, emaciated. But the thought of food still made her mouth water uncontrollably.
This sounds SO much like a pro-ana slogan, I'm not starving I'm perfecting my emptiness. It's a great section though, you describe it perfectly.
She turned lightly on one foot and padded towards the exit.
Being so emaciated, she wouldn't be padding that much, more like staggering.
I love the ending, I was so glad she didn't just sign it, but at the same time I wished she had =[ this story brought in mind the holocaust and prisoners of war, as well as having a sci-fi sort of feel. Intriguing. Your writing is lovely.
Points: 890
Reviews: 115
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