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Eternity; Chapter one

by dreaming_mouse


If you critic this please take out all your stress on me and be as brutal as you can :D:

1

A young man with ruby red eyes stood to his father’s right holding his spear proudly in his right hand. He watched as a middle aged woman stood in front of his father, she didn’t flinch as she saw everyone in the small cave had fangs but the fear in her eyes was as clear as a lake.

“Humans are weak, Damon,” his father spoke gruffly, “only few are worth our time. This one isn’t but see what she will offer us for our…services.” Damon looked at the woman and studied her reaction, her amethyst eyes showed confusion as she tried to understand what had just been said. He watched his father as he got up from his throne like rock and placed his thumbs on her temples. “Speak woman, what is it that you want of us?”

“I want you to destroy my husband,” she shouted in perfect English, “he does not deserve to live! He deceives his family –” Damon’s father took his hands away from the woman’s temple and looked around surveying each persons face. After a few minutes he placed his left thumb on the woman’s left temple so she could understand him.

“Have you bought an offering?” He asked studying his son’s face out of the corner of his eye; he knew full well that the woman had bought an offering. The woman nodded and started to speak again but this time she spoke in a series of grunts and movements.

“She brought her daughter?” Damon exclaimed slightly louder then a prince of darkness should, “father…this woman she –” He snapped his mouth shut when a rock clipped his head, he restrained himself from touching the side of his head where it had hit. He could tell it was bleeding but he didn’t want to appear weak in front of the people he would someday rule. Damon’s father stepped away from the woman and held up his hands in a commanding gesture.

“Bring forth the offering,” Damon’s grip tightened on his spear as a girl a few years younger then him was pulled into the cave. Her hair was midnight black and hung loosely in tangles down to her waist, her eyes were like amethysts and they darted around from face to face urgently. She stood up straight with her feet slightly apart in a defensive stance, she raised her bound wrists up slightly and Damon felt a sense of want whelm up inside him. “I can see from your reaction you would like her, Damon,”

The girl's mother looked between the two curiously, her daughter however looked over at Damon with a bitter look. She opened her mouth and started to speak like her mother in a series of grunts.

“She understands us?” Damon couldn’t hide the shock in his voice and he looked up at his father, “how?”

“She is gifted,” her father shrugged, “do you want her Damon?”

“But she is being offered to you father,” Damon said hating himself, of course he wanted this girl. “She is being offered to you in exchange for your skills.”

“And I may do with her what I wish,” all the time Damon and his father spoke he watched the girl. Her eyes were showing her fear but she stood there calmly still in her defensive stance ready for anything. “I ask you again Damon. Do you want her?”

“Yes.” Damon nodded and tightened his grip on the spear as the girl hurled curses at him. Once again Damon’s father placed his thumbs on the older woman’s temples so she could understand him and speak to him.

“We accept your offering,” he looked at Damon and held up his hands, “take the offering to my son’s cave and leave her there. And you Damon,” he said quietly turning to his son, “can fulfil our part of the bargain.”

“Father?”

“She wants her husband destroyed. Destroy him and her.” Damon nodded looked at the woman in disgust, how could someone be so cruel as to offer their daughter - their own flesh and blood just so they could get rid of someone who’d wronged them – to vampires. The cruellest of the cruel.

“Take me to your home,” he ordered the woman putting his left thumb on her left temple. “For bring us such a…satisfactory offering we shall perform our duty for you now.” The woman nodded and led Damon out of the cave. He approached the mouth of the cave cautiously; it wouldn’t do him much good to get incinerated before he’d even had a chance to talk to the girl now in his caves.

The woman led him through a large forest, for a human she moved with grace and was quiet enough to hide herself from predators. But not good enough to hide from my kind, Damon thought.

“Is this your cave?” he asked putting his thumb on her temples, the woman nodded and he smiled flashing his fangs at her.


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983 Reviews


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Sat Jul 18, 2020 10:25 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi, I'm Knight Hardy from the future here on a mission to ensure that there is no story left on here without at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but...oh well Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Okayy...that's a very interesting direction that this story was to be headed in. It sounded like quite the opening chapter. Some interesting ideas presented and also surprising morally righteous decision being taken by someone those who kill on order.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A young man with ruby red eyes stood to his father’s right holding his spear proudly in his right hand. He watched as a middle aged woman stood in front of his father, she didn’t flinch as she saw everyone in the small cave had fangs but the fear in her eyes was as clear as a lake.


Well that's a decent opening there.

“I want you to destroy my husband,” she shouted in perfect English, “he does not deserve to live! He deceives his family –” Damon’s father took his hands away from the woman’s temple and looked around surveying each persons face. After a few minutes he placed his left thumb on the woman’s left temple so she could understand him.


Well there's a lot of rage behind that.

“She brought her daughter?” Damon exclaimed slightly louder then a prince of darkness should, “father…this woman she –” He snapped his mouth shut when a rock clipped his head, he restrained himself from touching the side of his head where it had hit. He could tell it was bleeding but he didn’t want to appear weak in front of the people he would someday rule. Damon’s father stepped away from the woman and held up his hands in a commanding gesture.


I believe that is my title.
Joking aside this passage does a great job of giving us a nice glimpse into Damon's character.

“Bring forth the offering,” Damon’s grip tightened on his spear as a girl a few years younger then him was pulled into the cave. Her hair was midnight black and hung loosely in tangles down to her waist, her eyes were like amethysts and they darted around from face to face urgently. She stood up straight with her feet slightly apart in a defensive stance, she raised her bound wrists up slightly and Damon felt a sense of want whelm up inside him. “I can see from your reaction you would like her, Damon,”


Okay this mother is definitely totally blinded by rage and thinking only about herself.

“She wants her husband destroyed. Destroy him and her.” Damon nodded looked at the woman in disgust, how could someone be so cruel as to offer their daughter - their own flesh and blood just so they could get rid of someone who’d wronged them – to vampires. The cruellest of the cruel.


Very true statements right there.

"Is this your cave?” he asked putting his thumb on her temples, the woman nodded and he smiled flashing his fangs at her.


That somehow managed to sound both sweet and ominous at the same time.

Aaand that's it.

Overall: Well this was quite the opening chapter. We got a really good sense of the setting that we were in and we also get a really good look into the kind of characters Damon and his father are. Those are both great things to have in a first chapter. As a bonus the pacing is also great and overall there is a nice hook for the readers to continue reading.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Jan 16, 2005 7:44 am
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Willow says...



I really liked this. There are like two typos or something, but the rest is great. I'd love to know what happens next. :D





There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
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