Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » General


Eternity

by dreaming_mouse


This is something I've been meaning to write for ages and only just gotten around to doing. I'm not sure whether the titles any good so I might be changing it, and I will be changing Kassa's name because she's a character from another story - I'm just using it because I can't think of any other names at the moment :roll:

Prologue

A young woman lay in a hospital bed; her midnight black hair was plastered to her head and crisp white pillow as she struggled to breath. Her amethyst eyes shone brightly with tears as she fought the pain off. Her lungs felt like someone had placed bricks in them while she was lying down so that she had to fight to lift her chest up so she could breath. The door to her room opened and a young man walked in, he rushed over to her bedside and ran his hand over her hair lovingly.

“Go away,” the young woman breathed, “isn’t it bad enough I’m dying again because of you? Again! Must you come and gloat every time?” a tear trickled down her cheek as he pulled up a chair and sat beside her.

“If you could accept your fate you wouldn’t have to go through this anymore,” he picked up her hand and squeezed it lightly, “and I do not gloat Kassa. It pains me to see you suffering like this…I want you to accept life with me.” Kassa shook her head and let out a chest ripping cough, “Kassa!”

“Just leave me alone,” she breathed weakly, “just…leave…me…alone.” Damon wiped a strand of damp hair from her face and trailed his fingers down her cheek. Kassa was too weak to fight him off now and she closed her eyes begging for sleep to come.

“I remember the first time we met,” Damon’s voice was distant, “you were so beautiful…and you still look exactly the same.”

“What when my hair was a tangled mess and I couldn’t speak at all? Unless you count the grunts…” Kassa answered sarcastically, she didn’t know if Damon had heard though because she could barely hear herself.

“Especially when you couldn’t speak,” Kassa opened an eye to try and look at Damon but all she could see was a blur, “Kassa please. You have to accept this one day…you can’t keep on dying throughout eternity! You can end it here…”

“No.”

“Kassa you’re sworn to me…you know that sooner or later you’ll have too…” Damon’s voice began to sound further and further away as someone piled more bricks into her lungs. She opened her mouth and tried to take deep breaths but nothing would work. I don’t want to die, she thought feeling more tears trickle down her cheek, funny that…I’ve been dying for centuries but I’m still afraid…


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 899
Reviews: 20

Donate
Thu Apr 11, 2013 4:41 pm
Haven wrote a review...



I love it!! The suspense in what's and not knowing what going on but at the same time you do. I can just feel the frustration and fear Kassa and Damon feel. I'm reeled in and ready for more. So many questions I have and I'm hoping the more I read that they'll be answered. Keep up the great work!!




User avatar
582 Reviews


Points: 1068
Reviews: 582

Donate
Thu Mar 13, 2008 1:04 am
KJ wrote a review...



Okay, first of all I know that you wrote this a really really long time ago and you probably have no intention of even going back and fixing this, but I really liked it. I was interested, and for me that's saying something.

And even though you are most likely not even gonna read this, I just wanted to point out a few things that could improve this already-great piece of work.

The door to her room opened and a young man walked in, he rushed over to her bedside and ran his hand over her hair lovingly.
WOULD BE BETTER AS SOMETHING LIKE: The door to her room opened and a young man walked in. He rushed over to her bedside and ran his hand over her hair lovingly.

a tear trickled down her cheek as he pulled up a chair and sat beside her.
WOULD BE BETTER IF THE "a" WERE CAPITALIZED.

and I do not gloat Kassa
WOULD BE BETTER WITH A COMMA BEWTEEN "gloat" and "Klassa".

Kassa shook her head and let out a chest ripping cough, “Kassa!”
CONFUSING AS TO WHO IS SAYING KLASSA. MAYBE YOU SHOULD OUT SOMETHING LIKE, "KLassa!" Damon cried.

Kassa was too weak to fight him off now and she closed her eyes begging for sleep to come.
BE BETTER WITH COMMA BETWEEN "eyes" AND "begging".

What when my hair was a tangled mess and I couldn’t speak at all?
BETTER WITH COMMA BETWEEN "What" and "when".

“Especially when you couldn’t speak,” Kassa opened an eye to try and look at Damon but all she could see was a blur, “Kassa please.
BETTER WITH PERIOD AFTER "blur."

Keep writing.




User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 38

Donate
Wed Jan 12, 2005 12:20 am
marching_gurl89 says...



I really like your writing style and how you leave stuff out,because that keeps me wanting to read on.Its a very unique and flows very well.




User avatar
1258 Reviews


Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258

Donate
Sun Jan 09, 2005 7:14 pm
Sam says...



Sure...that would be awesome! Can't wait!




User avatar
49 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 49

Donate
Sun Jan 09, 2005 7:11 pm
dreaming_mouse says...



Hey thanks for reading it guys, when I write I like to try and keep the reader in suspense that's why I leave things out like her dying over centuries, that's what I'm writing up now in the second chapter which hopefully I'll be able to post tomorrow. Thanks for reading it, if you want to read the edited version (when I do either later tonight or tomorrow - I have an exam so I'm not supposed to be here now :oops:) I'll post it in this tomorrow




User avatar
1258 Reviews


Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258

Donate
Sun Jan 09, 2005 7:04 pm
Sam wrote a review...



Yes! I agree...you have great descriptive bits in this piece, like the amethyst eyes. You kind of lose it at the end, but if you just make it a bit stronger, description-wise your story would be perfect. :D Also you have the mysterious and loving Damon, and we're not really sure whether he's a good guy or a bad guy yet. That's OK, since this is just the beginning, but you should establish that for us later on. Also, I'm loving the bit about 'dying for centuries'. It's very mysterious...is she a Nicolas Flamel, somehow immortal, or is that just a figure of speech? *laughs stupidly* Ah well, if that's not it, make it more clear. It's just sort of cool cause she sounds pretty young...:D




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 37

Donate
Sun Jan 09, 2005 6:31 pm
mim says...



i liked this too... very good and definetly something i've never read before. Hope you post more soon mim x




User avatar
41 Reviews


Points: 1040
Reviews: 41

Donate
Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:27 pm
Willow says...



I liked it. It sounds interesting, but I'd love to know more, like who is the guy and what does he look like, and why she is betroved to him.





The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
— SunsetTree