Painful Faith
Every night I lie awake
And stare at the starry sky
Wishing you death was fake
But I only make myself cry
You were supposed to be here at my side
Not within me as a mere memory
They tell me to move on
To forget because you’re forever gone
I frown in disgust
How dare they think so little of my trust
Do they honestly believe
That love is something so easy to retrieve
Something that can be cast aside
Without breaking stride
I’m surrounded by fools
Who think there are rules
Of love to follow
Oh how I wish I could be as hollow
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
It's not a bad start, but this poem could use quite a bit of improvement, mainly with respect to rhythm. The rhyme scheme was fine, but a rhyme scheme isn't everything to a poem. You also need a definite meter -- even non-rhyming poems have one. Also, the lack of rhythm makes the rhyme feel forced.
They tell me to forget, to move on
Because you're forever gone
How dare they (I frown in disgust)
Think so little of my trust
Hear the difference? Doesn't it sound better? This is only one of the ways you could rearrange things to improve the rhythm while keeping your rhymes. Poetry is pretty flexible when it comes to punctuation and stuff -- take advantage of it.
On a personal note, I think this poem could use some punctuation. Then again, that's just my personal preference.
This is a good introduction to the poem. Just change the "you" to "your" and maybe change the word "fake." It seems very blunt and for a poem like this, you need somewhat of a deeper word that means more. Something like "superficial" or something.
The word "mere" messes with the flow. You could either change it to a two syllable word or completely eradicate it all together.
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Very excellent poem! I love it! It holds so much real feeling and deepness. It's something relatable and true. I like it a lot.
Just remember the small suggestions I suggested above. I think that if you chose to incorporate them into this poem, it's quality would definately be enhanced.
Again, great job.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody