It's not a bad start, but this poem could use quite a bit of improvement, mainly with respect to rhythm. The rhyme scheme was fine, but a rhyme scheme isn't everything to a poem. You also need a definite meter -- even non-rhyming poems have one. Also, the lack of rhythm makes the rhyme feel forced.
They tell me to move on
To forget because you’re forever gone
I frown in disgust
How dare they think so little of my trust
They tell me to forget, to move on
Because you're forever gone
How dare they (I frown in disgust)
Think so little of my trust
Hear the difference? Doesn't it sound better? This is only one of the ways you could rearrange things to improve the rhythm while keeping your rhymes. Poetry is pretty flexible when it comes to punctuation and stuff -- take advantage of it.
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On a personal note, I think this poem could use some punctuation. Then again, that's just my personal preference.
Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220
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