[b] "I won't be here when you wake up tomorrow or Monday, I'll be at the station I'll be pretty late, but I'll try my best ,Bells, to get home early" He finished.
I finally looked up, his face was calm and warm. "That's alright dad I'm used to it." I said putting on a smile. "Oh and since your home tomorrow can you go to the supermarket for me?" He asked. "Yeah, sure dad" I said looking back down. There was no other way I'd like to spend my only day off this week but to run errands for you dad I thought to myself. Ya right.
The rest of the night was spent watching a little t.v. and unpacking my bags. Then I climbed out of bed. The comforter close to me.
I couldn't believe the day had already passed.
Surprisingly I was exhausted. Enough to say it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. Actually I just dozed off.
I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. I reached over and hit the "snooze" button, flipping the covers off me, I dragged myself toward the shower.
The warm water was relaxing. It didn't last long though. The hot water quickly went cold me not realizing how long I was in there.
I got out putting on a long sleeved shirt and one of my American Eagle pants. I walked downstairs into the kitchen.
On the refrigerator was a note it read:
Good morning Bells! This is what you'll need to pick up:
eggs, bacon, laundry detergent, milk, Windex and steaks. I love you, dad.
I ripped the paper off the fridge, grabbed my car keys and put my coat on, walking outside.
The weather was warmer today, Not higher than sixty something but warmer than yesterday.
I got into my car, backing down the driveway. I'm pretty sure I still had some of that crude in my eyes. I wasn't fully awake yet. Even threw my shower.
I pulled into Wal-Mart, easily finding a parking spot. Grabbed my purse, a buggy and started for the old, brick, building. It was warm inside.
I actually got caught up in shopping I was putting different stuff in even though they weren't on the list. I mean I did all the shopping in Califoria so this was nothing new to me.
Mom made the money, I did the errans.
I needed muffins, so I left my buggy looking down at the list, looked back up to see a boy walking my way. His head was down, wearing a faded grey jacket the hood over his head, and some blue jeans. I didn't get a good look at him because you couldn't see his face, but I smiled. He didn't even look up and bumped into me. "Hey watch it!" I practically yelled.
He didn't look up.
I kind of don't even think that he cared if he just bumped into people. He sure didn't care about bumping into me.
I sure hope these are how the people act out here in cold death land, I said to myself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
I liked Chapter two but I still liked Chapter one better. I have a few complaints. Don't take it personally though.
In that chapter, nothing happened that made me want to read the next one. All it was was unpacking and going to the grocery store. There should have been a plot and not just details. Other then that, you did well. Keep Writing!
Hi Dreamer. Here to review your other chapters; I reviewed Chapter 4 this morning.
I don't like this beginning line; it sounds like it would belong in the middle of a story.Right off the bat, I notice grammar errors:
...I'll be at the station pretty late, Bells, but I'll try my best to get home early." He finished.
I finally looked up and his face was calm and warm.
When did she look down?
"That's alright, dad, I'm used to it."
"Oh and since you're home tomorrow, can you go to the supermarket for me?"
"Yeah, sure, dad."
You can put this in regular font, because she's not thinking it.
Yeah right.
TV
Huh? Where did this sentence come from and what does it mean?
Surprisingly, I was exhausted.
Reword this sentence; it sounds like a part of another sentence.
[s]Actually, I just dozed off.[/s] There's not really a need for this sentence.
You switched tenses here. Flipping should be Flipped. Put a period after Me and use the I after it to begin a new sentence.
Combine this two sentences together and Threw should be Through.
This seems like it was part of another sentence. Add more on to the beginning to make it seem more than just a fragment.
Period at the end.
"Hey, watch it!"
Period at the end and this should be in italics.
Overall comments/suggestions
Grammar: This has been your main problem in all of the chapters of this story I've reviewed, not to be mean or anything. Mainly, it was your punctation in the dialogue, your run-on sentences, and how you sometimes used the wrong form of a word. (copied from my review of Chapter 4):
Rememeber that punctation in dialogue comes before the ending quotations and there are few exceptions.
You switched tenses a lot. Try to stick with one tense.
There were too many run on sentences; too many commas when there needed to be periods. Rememeber that a comma is used only when there's a slight pause and/or in place of And if there's more than two objects. You didn't use any semi-colons but remember that semi-colons are only used to combine two sentences together.
There were a few instances where you used the wrong form of a word, like with Your. Always rememeber that Your means yours (belonging to you) and You're means You Are.
I normally wouldn't copy and paste but seeing as you had the same problems, it made sense.
Characters and everything else:
I wasn't really impressed in this chapter. After reading every chapter of this story but chapter three, I know you can do better. Develop the characters more and explain yourself a little better, in some cases.
As always, PM me if you need any help.
-alwaysawriter
Pet peeve when people start things with dialogue. Try to begin with some kind of description or action.
What station? A radio station? A police station?
You don't need the commas around Bells.
Who is he? The dad? A friend? Some random person we don't know?
When was she in bed? Did you mean to write climb into bed?
Again, I like the plot. I would still like to see a little more depth to Bella. Get more of her thoughts involved.
Still some grammar mistakes but that is easily fixed.
I have to point out again the resemblance to Twilight. The dad working at what I'm assuming is a police station. Watch out for that.
Can't wait to read more
Okay. I see somethings changed here too. Off I go....
Your punctuation is a little messed up here. Somthing like this makes more sense I won't be here when you wake up tomorrow or Monday. I'll be at the station and I'll probably be late. (No need for the word pretty) But I'll try my best to be home early, Bells.
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Comma after dad. How is she use to it?
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Two people talking in one paragraph. Split it up.
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Wouldn't one climb into bed to go to sleep?
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Comma after suprisingly. There is no need for the I just dozed off if you said that before it.
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Doesn't the snooze button make it go off again in ten minutes? If she goes back to bed, tell us.
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Yay! I remember telling you about this. But! It's a little choppy. How about..The hot water quickly went cold, I hadn't realized how long i was in there.
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[/quote]
Again, we are hitting some choppy-ness. It doesn't really flow. Try rewording it. I'd give you an example but, hey, who's the author here?
haha. Okay okay. this is good. I don't really see a plot yet but that might change when she goes to school. Obviously, she sees that boy again right? Not sure. Post another chapter Brianna. I wanna know what happens.
He works at the station... what station? *feels growing dread* Hopefully its not a police station. I know it tempting but don't make it like twilight! I beg you. Okay on to the critique.
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You could rephase this, like so: I won't be here when you wake up tomorrow, or Monday because I'll be at the station pretty late, but I'll do my best to get home early."
Here, I broke up the dialogue for you, because well it needed to be done.
Rephase the last two sentances: Then I clambered into bed and pulled the comforter close.
Why would she be surprised to be exhasted, she had a long, hard day?
Sorry, I couldn't get to it all, I have chores to do. Overall, it could be good, but get rid of the similarites
*pounds fist* It had potential. Let me know when you come out with the next one, I'll critique it for you.
*laughs evily* Good Luck. Oh and could you read Half-Blood for me, I am working on it roght now, just click on my portfolio.
again you have a nice writing style, but a few things I noticed. One: this girl this "bella" has almost no emotion, she is like a robot.
Two: Ok I hope I dont sound to harsh, for one my book (a bloodied rose) is sorta similar to twilight, a vampire romance but none of my charecters or the overall plot is like hers. I let it slip that a girl named bella goes to live with her dad and is going to a new school, but then when she went grocery shopping for him and got in her TRUCK. Again may want to swich it up a little. I am praying the next chapter doesnt invlove a gorgeous vampire. . . .but I do want to read it so pm me when you post it, other than the twilight stuff, overall you are great!
Oh. I didn't realize you already posted up chapter two. Okay, as someone said before me that this sounds similar to Twilight. Been there, done that. I'm hoping that you mix it up a bit and throw in something not so Twilight-ish! Sweet. On I go
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Okay, here we have our usual things going on. Comma after early. And since he is addressing Bells, it's one of those silly grammar rules that you have to put it between commas like I'll try my best, Bells, to get home early. See? Even still, it sounds a bit forced. If that's how you see it, tell us!!!
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Bit harsh. Again, make things pretty with italics.
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Yeah, not ya.
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T.V.
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Comma after actually. What helps me with commas, is reading things out loud and listening for when I pause in the sentence, adding a comma.
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Why? Because she was running late? Because the water turned icy cold? Show the reader instead of telling them.
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When some one thinks, or writes something always make is different by using italics or bold font.
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Two things. Period instead of comma, and I've never personally lived in Alaska but my take on it is that its freaking cold, yeah?
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You can chop this sentence into two easily. Something like I pulled into the store's(Name the store, yeah?) parking lot, finding a spot easily. I found a buggy next to my truck that someone had conveniently left for me, and started for the old brick builing. Should work.
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You can either make two sentences out of this or put a comma after shopping.
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Buggy?
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If your going for the 'bad girl' look for Bells, then saying 'Watch it' to him, would work, yeah? But then saying it again in her head...not so bright. Go for something different. Get creative.
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For a start, your doing great.
You are still kind of following the Twilight plot...but that's okay. I have a story called Trapped by Fate, and when I first wrote it, it sounded exactly like it. But revisions helped and now it's a completely different story.
This boy she bumps into, what does he look like? Does he have brown or blond hair? What's he wearing? That kind of thing really helps bumbs the story to 'extreme awesomeness'!
Also, what's around the store? Is it in the trees? Are there even trees in Alaska? I don't know. If this place really does exist, look it up and so extensive research on it, so it can be somewhat real. Or you can just do your research on the place you think of while writing.
If I'm to harsh, please tell me and I'll try to tone it down a bit.
Keep this up. You're doing excelent!
Pm me when you get the next chapter up.
.[/quote]
hi hi
on to chapter 2 
i think that you should put a period at the end of this and then start your next sentence. the way you have it is (again) a run-on sentence.i think you should put a comma before and after "Bells". also, rembember your punctuations
maybe you should put this in italics or something. something so we know that this is your thought before you actually tell us. does that make sense?
"the" at the beggining should be capatalized.
you should have different punctuations all through this sentence. "On the refrierator was a note, it read:"
should be a period not a comma.
should this be buggy?
Yay
anywho...if you have any questions on this please pm me
happy writing
-sport