Young Writers Society

Hi there, welcome to YWS! You've made a good start with this poem; the rhyming is hardly forced at all and the rhythm works well with the subject matter. You definitely have a gift for vivid imagery. Before I get fully into my critique, however, I'd just like to remind you of the site rules (see HERE for more info). YWS has a 2:1 review ratio policy, which means in part that we ask new members to please leave critiques of at least two works by other authors before they post their own pieces here. That way, you get a feel for the place and you get more posting points, so that you can explore and post in other forums. So before you post any more of your poems here, we'd appreciate it if you could take a look around and comment on some of the pieces you enjoy. Thanks!

If you have any questions or need help with anything at all, feel free to PM me or one of the other mods (we're the ones in green) or instructors (purple) and we'll be happy to help you out. Look forward to seeing you around!

Cheers,
~bubbles

I have to start by saying that this is really really great. The imagery was great, the rhyme scheme, the choice or words everything. It read like a story, and was very entertaining. I felt you described the act perfectly, and I enjoyed it coming from a woman's POV. My favorite parts:
1."Our lips meet in soft kisses,

our tongues begin passion's war.

Forgotten now, the outside world.

All is here, behind this door." I think the tongues begin passion's war is amazing.

2."Our ballet begins again,

as you thrust your manhood in,

vowing not to end the dance

unless my cries you win." Great way to start verse with our ballet begins again, perfect way to end it still playing on the same idea.

This is an AMAZING poem. It is so rich in our innate desires to love and make love. I felt like I was by a raging fire back in the pagan days, dancing round and round. It made me feel very much alive, and very engulfed in this poetic flame. I will not criticize on this poem, on account that to me it is very well done. And plus, being criticized by a youngin' is usually a criticique for critiques sake if you get what I mean. I thought it was exciting, wild, and sexy. You did a wonderful job, and I honestly believe there could be no other way to write it. Plus it is done in your own words, in your own way, so if others criticize your work seeing "mistakes" in words, it is sometimes best to ignore.

Wonderful Job! I hope to read more from you!