Published February 19, 2009
Welcome to Depressionville.
I see you found your way here once again!
Have you any guesses
as to how much time you’ll spend?
Please just sign the register
and we’ll let the critics know you’re here.
Remember, you should mumble words
and keep communications quite unclear.
I see you have some baggage;
actually, you’ve brought quite a lot!
But, of course, this is the place for it;
this is the perfect spot.
Oh! Guilt and fear are with you;
yes, of course, that’s quite all right.
We wouldn’t want you sleeping well;
that really ruins OUR nights.
There are things to eat at the sideboard:
just words and junk and pain.
All the things that you can’t swallow now
will, of course, be served again.
Yes! Welcome to Depressionville!
We’re all so glad you’ve come.
Let us know what we might do
to keep you feeling numb.
May your stay be long and bitter;
may your problems keep piling on.
May your tortured soul keep bleeding
until all you love is gone.
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140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi there, welcome to YWS! You've made a good start with this poem; I really love the concept. Before I get into a critique, however, I'd just like to remind you of the site rules (see HERE for more info). YWS has a 2:1 review ratio policy, which means in part that we ask new members to please leave critiques of at least two works by other authors before they post their own pieces here. That way, you get a feel for the place and you get more posting points, so that you can explore and post in other forums. So before you post any more of your poems here, we'd appreciate it if you could take a look around and comment on some of the pieces you enjoy. Thanks!
If you have any questions or need help with anything at all, feel free to PM me or one of the other mods (we're the ones in green) or instructors (purple) and we'll be happy to help you out. Look forward to seeing you around!
Cheers,
~bubbles
Really amazing. You have your own individual style that I like very much. Keep it up!
^_^ I really like this poem! I read it through once and had to note it in my blog to be sure to come back and give it a proper review. Good work! ^_^
Okay, this is the only place in the whole poem where I feel like the rhythm is off! That second line is much too long to fit with everything else. Perhaps 'You found us once again.' or 'You found it once again.'? Maybe something like that. ^_^
The first two lines of this stanza are my favorites, or some of my favorites. =) I really love the image you give, but since you've personified them, you might want to capitalize 'fear'. ^_^ Also, you don't need that emphasis on 'our', because the irony is present without it. ^_^
Hmm. I really think you might want to consider finding a more powerful word to use instead of 'junk'. Think about what assails you when you're depressed, but don't use either guilt or fear, since you just used them. >_<; Maybe fire? Maybe glass? Screws? Maybe you could use an object like that to give the image of swallowing something horrible like that? ^_^ I dunno, it's really up to you.
Overall, however, this is FANTASTIC. I really love it, the tone of everything, and it's sort of a dark humor! =D Great work!
-Hannah-
This is a good poem. Creepy, funny in an odd way, satirical, and ironic. I do have two small critiques though.
1. "We wouldn’t want you sleeping well;/that really ruins OUR nights." This sounds slightly awkward. Could you change it to something like, "that would really ruin our night"?
2. When you use the word junk, it just doesn't sound quite right. Is there anything you can change it to?
That's it. It's great.
i really like this, its a fresh style taking on an old issue. it really is a great metaphor that tells of the in and out nature of our moods... it really is just like checkin into a hotel, staying for a few days and then leaving when you cheer up.
i can find no fault with the flow at all... the rolling nature matches the consumer relations voice of a hotel manager perfectly
the only advice i can offer is, because its such an insightful metaphor, is to flesh that metaphor out a little more and add to the imagery surrounding it.
when i think about this i get images of a dingy, horror movie hostel in a small, dusty town with creepy carnival music pervading the air. the manager has two teeth and a grin to exploit it. rats and cobwebs are everywhere. This is more a bit of creative licence on my part, as I'm not sure that the words paint such an image. What you could do is flesh out this image with how you see it... which would add strength to the message as it would be more your message.
I really like it though, its a nice change from the blood and choking and all the old cliches of depression
Nice work.. star for sure.
(I'm Brendan btw)
Other people's misery always makes me happy
I liked the kind of big brother feel I got from it, that you should just do what they say and be miserable. (Big brother here refering to 1984, not channel 4 trash). There were a few places where it didn't flow so well, so mabye you might want to read it aloud quickly and see what you can do. Unfortunately, I am the world's worst poet, so I can't offer you any tips, but I loved the feel of it, something that I can't quite put my finger on, like I'm imagining people laughing at some poor emo and throwing his luggage at him. Very good, though, and I'd like to read another one. Would you mind PMing me if you post something else?
Hey Dreamer 21! I'm June and I am going to review this for you
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How silly this is! I love how you turned something that is completely unfunny into a poem and made it sound like and happy. Good job, and gold star for making me smile
I really like your rhyme scheme here. In some places it was halted a bit, but overall it was good. You used slant rhymes well, and you sustained a perfect rhythm throughout the entire poem.
There isn't much to say about this, dear! It was very well written, very well thought out. I absolutely love how the stay has to be miserable xD.
Great job!
Keep it up! Welcome to YWS; if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
June
Hello, dreamer, welcome.
Whoa. I got goose bumps reading your peice for some reason. I like. It speaks true. What's funny is that there's no one who has never been to Depressionville, so it's like saying welcome back.
My, my. The words you used make me want to be happy all the time!
Good Job. I want more!