I don’t have a way with words. To be frank, I wouldn’t be able to write a decent sentence even if my life depended on it. I’ve never been able to put my thoughts and emotions onto paper. I once kept a journal, but there were more doodles and scratched out words than actual sentences. I was just a simpleton.
On the other hand, my father was a gifted writer. Someone could give him the ugliest object and he’d somehow make it out to be the most beautiful thing that ever existed. He was an optimistic person; he saw the best in people. I simply didn’t have faith in others like he did. It was hard,
almost impossible, for me believe in anything or anyone anymore. I was better at communicating with my voice. I simply connected with sound itself. Your eyes can deceive you, but your ears were always truthful.
I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for my anxiety to slip away. I dug my nails into my scarred hands. My back ached from being hunched over for too long. I felt hot blood whoosh in my brain as my heart thudded in my chest.
In the distance, a voice, amplified with the help of a microphone, thundered across the stands, “Welcome to the first game of the season!”
The audience applauded and cheered in excitement.
“Here’s a great crowd tonight! Now, to introduce the lineup…” The speaker droned on.
I frowned, my eyebrows squishing together. The man’s voice irritated me. He was too positive and his voice was too nasal for my taste. I waited as every team member was introduced. I rubbed my fingers together, a nervous tick of mine.
Finally, “I’m looking forward to a great game tonight. Before we can begin, it’s time for the National Anthem. Please welcome to the front…Jenny Johnson!”
I opened my eyes and slowly stood. I passed by the boys in their football gear without a glance. I could imagine their shocked faces. I didn’t have the typical face. I reached the microphone stand and gulped. I couldn’t stop looking at the ground. Bright green grass filled my vision.
Can I do this?
I glanced at the huge crowd for a moment then back down at the ground.
I can’t do this. I can’t do this!
Already, dreadful memories swirled in my mind. I felt my throat close up and painful tears welled up.
Is it too late to run away?
I turned, searching for her in the crowd. I didn’t want her to be ashamed of me.
I’m at a crossroads.
Chapter 1:
The Johnson family was gathered together in the ice rink. The mother, Jamie, was 32 years old. She was a tall, proud woman who had a mature and classy look about her. She always stood with perfect posture, walked with a sure step, and lived without a single regret. Jamie was a pureblood Scot and she possessed a body that every woman would envy. She was filled out in every possible way and was perhaps one of the most beautiful women to have ever lived. Jamie refused to show any sign of weakness and spoke the first thought that crossed her mind, regardless of social protocol. Someone could mistake her for the devil with her flowing, flaming red hair that fell to her waist, her sly green eyes, and her sarcastic grin.
The father, Charlie, was 34 years old and stood tall at 6’2. Charlie had an amazing, although not surprising, ability to make women swoon at the mere sight of him. He had short blond hair, brown eyes, an athletic build from his college football days, and long, calloused fingers. He usually kept his thoughts reserved, but was always found to be the center of attention in a crowd. Charlie constantly kept a kind and gentle smile. He could be mistaken for an angel.
The daughter, Jenny, was 14 years old. She was averaged sized, had long and curly blond hair, and green eyes. Jenny possessed a gentle personality. She was beautiful; there wasn’t a doubt about that. People would always fall in love with her as soon as they had a conversation with her. People genuinely enjoyed spending time with Jenny. Jenny could be summed up in three
words: earthly, sweet, and innocent.
Jamie stood in front of Jenny, hands on hips, waiting expectantly. Charlie was crouched beside Jenny, coaxing her to start skating forward. Jenny stood frozen, shaking from fear and the cold. She was terrified that she would fall and break several bones.
“Come on Jenny, you can do it. Just take a step forward.” Charlie encouraged.
“Girl, if ye don’t start moving, I’ll cut ye into little pieces and serve ye for dinner as stew,” Jamie threatened, her accent thick.
Jenny gulped.
“She doesn’t mean that. You’re perfectly safe.” Charlie reassured, shooting Jamie a glare.
“I do mean it.” Jamie retorted.
“But what if I fall and die?” Jenny questioned with her eyes wide.
“Everyone falls. It’s inevitable. Besides, there are worse ways to die.” Jamie informed.
“Falling or being served as stew?” Jenny investigated.
“Both,” Jamie replied, flashing Jenny a wicked grin.
“Stop scaring her,” Charlie demanded.
Tentatively, Jenny slid her right foot forward, pressing hard against the ice. Then very slowly, she slid her left foot forward.
Jamie clapped her hands together then held her arms out wide. “Now, let go of ye da’s hand and come to me.”
Jenny hyperventilated for a moment before following her mother’s instructions. Tense, she shuffled forward.
“Good girl. Keep at it.” Jamie approved.
At the last moment, Jenny stumbled and tripped into Jamie’s arms. Jamie hugged her close and kissed Jenny on the forehead.
“Nothing’s a better motivator for children than physical violence.” Jamie commented, laughing.
Charlie shook his head, but chuckled anyway.
“Are ye ready to do more, lassie?” Jamie interrogated.
“I—I think so,” Jenny nodded.
“Off with ye then, unless you’re scared.” Jamie taunted.
“I’m not scared!” Jenny insisted.
“Are ye sure, are ye? I’ll hold ye hand the entire way.” Jamie offered.
“I’m fine!” Jenny declared, stubborn.
Jenny pushed herself away and shuffled off, trying, but failing, to leave with a dramatic exit.
“Remember to do the V’s, honey,” Charlie reminded.
Jenny gained confidence; her stride lengthened and she soon completed an entire lap around the large rink. She passed by her parents, beaming.
Charlie joined Jamie and commented, “You have to be the most immature person I have ever met.”
“Ye know ye love it.” She flirted.
He rolled his eyes and they kissed.
Jenny skated away, a smile stretching across her lips. She was never afraid of her mother’s insults and taunts, because Jenny knew that was how Jamie showed affection. Jenny wobbled on the ice, but she spread her arms out wide.
I don’t know what I had been so afraid of, Jenny thought, right before slipping and crashing onto the hard, unforgivable ice.
Jamie rushed over to Jenny’s side to help her up. Meanwhile, Charlie drifted away, observing the scenery. He reached into his pocket and started writing in his miniature, leather bound, black journal. He perfectly constructed his thoughts into elegant sentences. Satisfied, he bookmarked his page and tucked it away.
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138,450 Literary Works • 672,121 Reviews
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
Awesome piece you have here. The prologue was intriguing and beautifully constructed, the ending was great, the dialogue is good, descriptions are nice . . . I can't nitpick much.
One thing I would suggest is saving the descriptions of the family until later in the story. It's kind of jarring to have all that information given to us right away, when we haven't even seen them say anything or interact with each other. I'd recommend giving out bits of the info slowly, and naturally, as the story progresses and we get to know the characters on our own a little first.
Show, don't tell.
Anyway, besides for that, this is a really good start. Keep up the great work!
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
Formatting error. There's an extra line in there.
Hmm...nothing technically wrong, but I'm not sure at this point why your Main Character feels comfortable saying this, since they know their eyes can deceive them. If they can make that observation, then they should know that ears are often just as deceived. But then, time will tell why they see this (and it's a character flaw, which is a good thing).
And...this is where I mention what I'd noticed but tolerated up to this point in the story. You've adopted this very simplistic "Subject+Verb=Sentence" pattern, and up in the prologue it was fine because you had enough variety. First Person PoV is where you can get away with the same subject (or subject verb patter) a bunch of times, so long as you have enough variety in between all the sentences. But even then, you shouldn't.
Anyway, it's three sentences in, and now I'm stuck on the fact that you're using the same sentence style. Try mixing it up a little. Variety will help you travel a long way in story writing.
This is the first good sign of variety, yet it comes at the end of this paragraph, where the majority of the sentences started with either "she" or "Jamie". Those are basically the same subject, and swapping the two isn't the kind of variety you want. Also, a word of caution: don't switch back and forth between actual name and pronoun substitute every other sentence. Otherwise you'll give your writing a very choppy feel, almost mechanical, that sucks the life out of it. You had something really good going with your prologue, and it's a bit of a letdown to have the quality drop like that. [Don't be too discouraged. All it takes is a little modification to banish the monotony!]
Okay, the thing I had with this sentence was that red flags went up all over my mind. I'm worried that you're trying to make this family uber special, pushing them to the limits of what society considers attractive, and then stuffing them with "model citizen" ethics and personalities. Just be careful not to make them too special. Keep them real.
Perhaps "average-sized" or "of average size" would be better. "averaged sized" just didn't flow right for me.
And I'd have to agree with Silverlock on the character description. Describe them more naturally; integrate a little. As is, this almost reads like a character profile copy+paste. Get enough character descriptions like this, and they start to feel like cardboard cutouts--nothing more than words on a page.
Gaah! Watch out for those Mary Sues. I haven't even really started into her story yet, and red flags are popping up that Jenny might be a Mary Sue (not a good thing). So be careful, read the link, and let's improve this story!
Another formatting error. Not sure why this happened.
You don't need to replace "said" every time it passes through your fingertips. Readers can get irritated if you replace it too much (and it's one of the few words that needs to be used. If you don't feel like you're overusing it, you're not using it enough), and when that happens, they start waiting for you to use "said." I actually stopped and skimmed through the rest of this to find a "said." (You don't have one). So as a reader, you've lost me by really pushing your desire not to overuse "said." I can't say I've ever come across someone replacing "said" (or even "asked") with "investigated".
Two things on this. One, that statement really didn't strike me as realistic. More forced than anything. Two, there is a limit to how much is teasing or "parental manipulation", and Jamie has just crossed this line. You can only take a "joke" so far before it becomes creepy (or suddenly morbidly serious) and has repercussions. If I were Charlie, I'd start to become extremely concerned at this point that my wife might be a psychopath.
The thing that slapped me across the face with this sentence was that Jenny is 14. Fourteen years old. Even if she had the maturity to see that, these comments would still hurt. Basically, this sentence gives her mom a get-out-of-jail-free-card to be a horrible, abusive person. Not a good road to start down.
What in the world just happened here? How did Jamie rush across the ice without falling herself? And Charlie is just completely oblivious to what happened? Jenny's cry didn't get his attention, and his 'wonderful' wife leaving his side didn't alert him to the fact that something was up? And then he's writing in his journal? Even if the journal thing had been all by itself, I feel like there's too much there. He's "perfectly constructing his thoughts" in "elegant sentences." Um...I've been writing for years, and spend hours talking to myself working through ideas and such. I never get my thoughts down on paper "perfectly", even after arriving at a phrasing that I like. That's really unrealistic, and needs to be addressed.
I hope that didn't seem too harsh. I'm just trying to help.
Hope this helps you out.
Hi!! Silver here to review for you.
This was interesting. The prologue was very intriguing and held my attention the entire time. Your overall story was very well written. Great grammar, spelling and structure. My only complaint is that you spent a HUGE chunk of chapter one describing everyone in the family. Maybe try to space it out and fit it in more naturally. Keep up the good work and happy writing!
Silverlock