Published September 3, 2012
PROLOGUE:
The golden coin flipped high in the air and landed with a quiet snap. The man had caught it, rather lazily. He studied his surroundings, with slow eyes and no hurry. The room was tiny, and painted a shimmery purple. There was a wooden dresser, a bedside table with a lamp, and a rocking chair next to a crib.
The man was shorter than average and had a look of orderliness. Everything from his tailored suit, to his shining black shoes, and to his dark bowler hat were ironed, crisp, and neat. The only things that destroyed this image were the two week old beard, a half glass of whisky in his left hand, and his bright—almost glowing—yellow eyes.
He took a long swig and finished the last of his drink. He set his sticky glass down on the dresser which was pushed against the wall. The man, or the intruder, approached the baby in the crib. The girl was sleeping, soundless. The intruder carefully and tentatively picked up the child. The baby opened her large brown eyes and stared at the man. He unconsciously tensed; waiting for the baby to cry out or scream.
The baby remained silent. In fact, she smiled and snuggled deeper into his arms. The man relaxed and shifted the baby into a more comfortable position.
Suddenly, “Fancy seeing you here,”
A second man emerged from the window and dropped lightly onto his feet. He was the complete contrast to the first man. Instead of a tailored suit, polished shoes, and a bowler hat, the second man wore a casual button down shirt, loose pants, and no shoes or hat to be seen of. He grinned, wolfishly. When he didn’t receive any response, the man continued with a glint in his eye. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, now what are you doing?”
The bowler hat man was very quiet. “You know exactly what I’m doing here. Now, please, just leave.”
The casual man stopped grinning, and turned serious. “I’m not here to stop you. However, I’m begging you to reconsider your actions . . . brother.”
The bowler hat man sighed, almost inaudible. “No,”
The casual man took a deep breath. “I won’t stop you, but I’m not helping you, either. But they’ll put your head on a spike . . . and hers.”
The bowler hat man hesitated and turned. However, the casual man had vanished, almost like smoke. The baby in his arms shifted and gave out a light yawn. The bowler hat man returned his attention back to the baby. Her eyes slipped shut, and she fell asleep. Her first memories . . . were of the yellow eyed men.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I like the way you were going with this story. Little detail is needed but all in all it's pretty good. How the guys have yellow eyes and how the little girl doesn't cry out is very different than other stories I've read. I hope to see more detail in your next chapters and I can't wait to see how he girl turns out in the future.
Crazy's gonna review, now.

"Her first memories . . . were of the yellow eyed men."
- It would be 'man', not 'men', unless both brothers have yellow eyes. I'm not sure if they do or not, because when you described the second brother it didn't mention it.
I love this piece. You put in some amazing descriptions, and as a prologue you used only enough information to hook the readers. If I could make this review longer I would.
Keep it up!
Hi! Here for a review!
This really intrigued me, drew my attention in, which I guess is kind of the point of the prologue. Just have a few nitpicks.
This should be a comma after "quiet" instead of a period.
Same thing as above, comma after "serious"
Comma after "inaudible" and a period instead of a comma after "no".
Same thing as above.
Overall, I really liked this, and can't wait to read the next part. However, you've got a lot of sentences starting with "the" in here, something you might want to fix, as it gets very repetitive after a while. Also, your sentences can be a bit choppy, so try to vary the length within a paragraph, instead of having them all be the same.
Let me know if you've got any questions!
~*Hope
Ok.. First, your descriptions of the surroundings right off the bat were wonderful! Most stories just barge right into the plot without giving the mind any location to occupy. I realize the story is probably not finished (or is it?), so I really am curious about all three characters mentioned and their particular motives. The dialogue between the brothers was well done too. It seemed very natural and comfortable, as a real conversation should be. Awesome job!