“Are we almost there?” Brad asked impatiently.
“A few more minutes, son,” Ken answered. It was eleven degrees outside, the car started up the mountain on a steep paved road.
“We’re here!” Brad’s brother yelled waking Brad.
“Get your gear on, boys. It’s gonna be a long, cold hike.” The mother announced. The family loved hiking, it was a tradition. Everyone got on there jackets and masks. The moment the passenger door opened freezing air rushed in like a heavy duty vacuum on full blow. Papers blew around in the mini tornado inside the car. The children scrambled to grab and secure everything. “Lets go!” Ken ordered. The family ran to the start of the trail, a sign said ‘The Inn 5 Miles North-West’. The Family started at a nice steady pace.
After a little bit, “Mrs. Dutton!” Brad saw his language arts teacher. He ran up to her and said, “I didn’t know you hiked.”
“Oh, this is my first time.” She answered. They finished the conversation and the family quickly passed the slow hiking Mrs. Dutton. Once the family was out of sight a creature jumped down from the trees overhead, ran up, covered the unknowing teacher’s mouth and slit her throat. The thing moved her body aside and kept on following the family.
“Finally!” Chad puffed. The Inn standing tall in front of them on top of the mountain. They let themselves in, checked in and unpacked in their walk-on closet sized room.
“Well,” Charlotte, Ken’s wife didn’t know what to say.
Ken went to get some chapstick for his lips in the lobby while the rest of the family went to the sun room for some heat.
There they enjoyed the fire. Above the flame was a hanging bowl that said DO NOT TOUCH! Brad and Chad went to explore more of the Inn.
There was no one in lobby to sell Ken any chapstick. He tried the doors to go outside to see if anyone was out there but it was locked. He headed back to the sunroom to enjoy the fire with his wife and kids.
Suddenly, back in the sunroom, a dark figure slipped into the room before the doors slammed shut and locked. The DO NOT TOUCH! bowl turned upside down. Lots of lighter fluid rained down onto the fire, shooting the flame right onto the wife’s body. The wife screamed but no one could hear through the thick, windowless doors. The room smelled of melted flesh.
Chad and Brad found a flooded library. Only an inch or two of water, they headed toward the back of the room where a golden book lay on a pedestal. Once Chad picked it up a hammer swung from the ceiling and hit the small spike covered book into Chad’s face. Brad gasped at the sight of his brothers face getting smashed by a devil’s book. Water started pouring into the room flooding it even more. A giant lock locked the door to the library. Brad drowned a slow death.
Out in the hall in front of the sunroom, Brian stood confused about why he couldn’t get in. A dark figure spoke from above him. “Two dead bodies float in the book room.”
“What? W-who is this?”
“I am the son you put up for adoption, I finally you!” The thing leaped down from the ceiling, his red eyes shined in the setting sun. “I’m back!” It leaped forward at Ken and gutted him. The building bust into flames. “We’re going down together, father.”
That night, helicopters hovered over the rubble and burnt remains of the Inn. All they found were two red glass eyes and nothing else.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Okay, well. I am at a complete loss. Utterly amazingly lost. What reason has the adopted son have for killing his parents? And family? The relationship between them doesn't make sense.
Some of this doesn't even make sense, why would the teacher even be hiking? I know you said this was her first time at hiking, but why would she want to do it at all?
There is no basis for this story. The murdering son doesn't sound scary; I was convinced it was some type of violent animal the way you kept on calling it a "creature".
And now here's some very specific advice for a small section of your story,
A giant lock locked ((the same word, it's horrible))the door to the library. Brad drowned a slow death. ((<--- Not very descriptive - I want to fall alseep. He drowned? What was he doing while thid was happening? Standing there mildly waiting for death? Or was he scratching frantically at the door and as the water slowly rose and it filled his lungs was he praying that his family would survive?
I was confused when I read this, it seems too short, undescriptive and it does not flow.
I apologise for the harsh critique, but if this is extended and edited I would be glad to ead it again.
Have A Nice Day.
Azrael
Sloppy transition--it's not been determined that Brad fell asleep, nor that any time passed since his father told him they were only a few minutes out. I suggest some sort of indication that he fell asleep, then a small blurb, perhaps a paragraph, describing a dream of some sort to indicate a passing time.
You name the father (Ken) but not the mother. Stick with the pattern--either name the mother or leave the father nameless as well.
Slightly random, to be seeing your language arts teacher so far from their town. Give a reason why she's there, perhaps?
Once they reach the inn, the story becomes a jumble of deaths that seem an afterthought because they lack description. I would highly recommend you go into depth describing the building, the characters, and the events that unfold. The partially flooded library with the "devil book" is a nifty setting, but you let it go to waste by not describing it! You've got great ideas and concepts here...you merely need to execute them.
On the mother's death:
--She wouldn't burst into flames unless she were covered in lighter fluid--if her clothes caught on fire, she would merely stop, drop, and roll. Set it up so she gets covered in something highly flammabe before the fire hits her.
On the kids' deaths:
--Definitely describe the setting; think about your senses! How does the library smell? What does it feel like to be trudging through knee-deep water?
--Go into further detail about the devil book; describe how it looks, why it catches their attention, etc.
--Show us the desperation that Brad faces as the library fills with water, trapping him within--it's a very powerful death, drowning is...give us that power.
On the father's death:
--I think the killing could stand a bit more dialog, actually. It would really flesh out the story in terms of why this creature seems so intent on destroying this family.
--What does the killer gut Ken with? Does he see a flash of a small blade before it tears into his stomach? Does he pause for a moment before falling to ground? Does he see his killer set the building on fire then reuturn to his side to finish the job?
Think on it. Let me know if you need any help!
Hello hello hello! I am presuming this is just the first installment...? lol...hope so! I'd like to see where this i going....
Just a few things I have picked up on...
"started up the mountain" doesn't quite sound right to me...perhaps "started its way up the mountain"???
After "hiking" I think a semi-colon would be more appropriate than a comma...and "there" should be "their" as it is possessive....
I think a comma is needed after "door opened"...it feels like a natural pausing point
New speaker, new line....the mother started this paragraph with speech so this needs to go on a new line I'm afraid...
Walk-in???
The whole thing lacks description...the murder by the "creature" could actually go unnoticed....The language seems basic and could be a lot more emotive....camp it up a bit!
Hehehe!
If you need help, drop me a PM and I'd be only to happy to lend a hand!