z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Where I used to be

by dragonight9


My lord, my God I cry out to you,

Even in the dark I know you hear me too.

Save me from the desires that haunt me,

The devil seems to laugh, dance and taunt me.

---------------------------------------------------

You pulled me out of the darkest place,

And set me to run on the good path your race.

But I feel the weight of my past weighing me down,

I feel like Peter, standing on the sea, about to drown.

---------------------------------------------------------

The things of this world fill my mind and soul,

Through my eyes they enter and take their toll.

They chip and they nag, and they pull at me,

On every little thing I make up my mind to be.

-----------------------------------------------------

Some days I don’t know why you would choose,

To give life to this sinner who only knows how to loose.

Yet other days I see you rise with my victory in hand,

I see my death was arrested when my life in you began.

---------------------------------------------------------------

So even when I fail and these worldly things consume,

I will rise up the next day, like you rose out of your tomb.

For I know every day that your grace flows anew,

And no matter the outcome, I know that I grew.

------------------------------------------------------------

Here is a quote I heard recently that I absolutely love,

It fit my life so well I thought it must have come from above.

I am not where I want to be and not where I’m going to be,

But I give praise to God ‘cause I’m not where I used to be.

I hope you enjoyed and found some encouragement in this.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1228 Reviews

Points: 144000
Reviews: 1228

Donate
Sun Mar 26, 2023 12:51 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey dragonnight! I'm a very spiritual and religious person myself, so was super pleased to see a little religious poetry here. Sometimes that takes a little courage to post in a mostly secular space, so I commend you for putting yourself out there too!

So here's a little review!

Meaning
The poem seems to be a speaker wrestling with how wonderful God's love is and how it seems almost undeserved - they see the progress in their life and God's influence within it. The poem addressed many aspects of faith and it was difficult to find one singular story-line, but seemed like there were varied devotional points. While I liked the quote included at the end, in particular that seemed a little bit like an aside or like it could have been an author's note to not detract from the main testimony / messaging.

Strengths

I was really happy to see you incorporated casual language with a few scriptural references and faith reflections, so often I see people try to write religious / devotional poems and try to add all these "thee" / "thine" like they are trying to sound like the KJV - and while that has a place, I think that your language actually gave this poem voice and to me made it sound more authentic and genuine like it was being told from lived experience and lived reflection which in turn made the poem more impactful to me.

I thought you did a terrific job with rhyming and keeping the lines even, I found myself thinking that apart from the final stanza you could almost make this poem into a song with how well the rhymes were flowing.

You also had a very solid theology in here - all about God's abundant love and grace and that was a consistent reflection all the way through. I particularly loved this line: "I see my death was arrested when my life in you began.". Great way to phrase that!

Growing Edges

One "content" correction -> in the line "I feel like Paul, standing on the sea, about to drown." I am assuming you are referring to the story in Matthew 14 when one of Jesus' disciples is walking on water -> but that was Peter rather than Paul, so I think that might fit a little better in this line if that was what you were referring to. :)

Very small note but I think you could use a comma after "God" in the first line, to make it crystal clear that you are addressing rather than cursing. I thought other than that the punctuation wasn't distracting but seemed fairly consistent.

While overall your word choice was really good - there were three lines where you used "things" that I thought you could be a bit more specific or creative or use a better synonym. Here's the three lines:

The things of this world fill my mind and soul,


On every little thing I make up my mind to be.


So even when I fail and these worldly things consume,


I think there's a little aspect of this poem in some places feeling a little generic - about what exactly the person is fighting against, so that may be something to take a second look at as well to make this poem even more impactful.

Overall a terrific devotional poem that reads as coming from the heart with a lovely message and reflection.

alliyah




dragonight9 says...


Thanks for what you said here. I corrected Paul to Peter so thanks for that.
The lines "death was arrested" and One every little thing I make up my mind to be"
Are both lines from worship songs I really like. I matched things from the song line to keep it consistent, plus I couldn't actually think of any examples that fit what I was going for.
Thanks for the feedback though. This was a big step for me (to put my faith out there) and so it was very encouraging to be supported in this way.



User avatar
229 Reviews

Points: 9163
Reviews: 229

Donate
Sun Mar 12, 2023 12:00 am
foxmaster wrote a review...



Hello! This is Foxmaster!
I think this was a really intersting poem. I'm fairly new to the concept of poetry, so please let me know if I am wrong about any of this.

I really like the rhyming in this! It adds a very nice flow to it and if you read it aloud, it's like the words slide off your tounge. Also, if I had to choose between this and a haiku I would choose thisbecause haikus usually sound, well, sortof weird and a bit too-[what's the word?] oh, yes, descriptive.

Also, the concept of this was very interesting! The image at the end is really interesting too, and makes me find some encouragement in this! I enjoyed this and encourage you to write more

-Foxmaster




dragonight9 says...


Thanks so much for the encouragement!
I was really nervous since I generally avoid religious stuff in my writing but I've been growing lately and wanted to stretch out and test the waters a bit with this. I'm so glad to get some positive feedback.




If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang