Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
General impressions: I really enjoyed reading this story! I loved the fantastical themes that you weaved into the story despite it being quite heavy in terms of the emotions it evokes from us. I definitely did not expect such a gruesome backstory for the character but you do a fantastic job of making us invest in her story!
Clink…
Clink…
The soft sound of metal on metal as chains slide against one another.
I loved the way you began the story by mainly focusing on the sounds the character could hear. It instantly creates a sense of suspense in the readers and puts them on guard - it makes us watch out for something invisible and immediately raises the stakes. It also set the tone of the story very appropriately and gives us an idea of what to expect from it.
However, here I have to mention that while the use of onomatopoeia worked rather well in the beginning for establishing a setting, its constant use throughout the story got a little repetitive and tiresome after a point. The thing with onomatopoeia is that they often restrict the imagination of the readers and do not really allow them to be fully involved in the scene by establishing it for them beforehand. For example, instead of saying "CRASH!!!" or "GRRRAAAOOORRR!" describe the sounds or how they make the character feels. By expanding on the two simple words, you can extend the suspense of the scene and make your readers feel more involved in the story.
She extended her wings and felt the power of her dragon body flowing through her as she stared down the object of her revenge, not even pausing to wonder how or why she had become the beautiful dragon who had rescued her.
I really liked the way you described the dragon in this scene, evoking a sense of fascination and curiosity in the readers that could be felt in Nereid as well. Even the action scenes when she was tearing into her captor were well described and evenly balanced. They worked especially well because of the emphasis you put on portraying Nereid's emptions - her anger and need for revenge was almost palpable in those scenes and had us completely enraptured in the moment.
However, at the same time, I found the narration in this part to be a little disjointed and difficult to understand. For example, I was a little confused when I realized that Nereid and the dragon were both one singular entity, especially because earlier on, you had made them out as separate individuals by highlighting Nereid's surprise and awe when the dragon first came to her rescue. Here, you should either make the narration a little more clearer for the readers to understand or you could probably highlight Nereid's transformation into the dragon. That would definitely be one cool scene to read!
I was also a little confused when I realized that the entire scene with the dragon and the captor was a dream, especially when later on it seemed as though the dream originated from real experiences and memories. Maybe you could make the transition in that part a little smoother so that its easier for the readers to keep up with the story.
For those born with too much magic, there was a procedure in which dragon blood was infused with their own to help them control the enormous power within themselves. These people were known as dragon born and Nereid was one of them.
Depending on how the blood was infused this also lead to dragon-like features appearing on their bodies whenever they used their full strength by opening their limiter.
This part was repeated again, word for word, after two or three short paragraphs. They both convey the exact same meaning in the exact same context, so I was not sure whether the repetition was intentional or accidental, but I just wanted to bring it to your attention in case it wasn't on purpose.
Now normally, in stories that focus on the backstory of the characters, it is extremely difficult to keep from info-dumping on the readers in a way that is not overwhelming. One way to do that is to balance the information you want to present with emotions that readers can connect with. Here, I think you accomplished that rather perfectly by giving us the background to Nereid's heartbreaking story. As a result, your readers would be invested enough in her story to not feel overwhelmed by all the new technical information that you present us with in one go (especially with all the talk of limiters). Even so, I felt that the narration got a little bit stagnant near the end when it became obvious where the story was about to go.
Final thoughts: Overall, this served as the perfect backstory for a character who is intended to appear in a bigger context and in a bigger project. You seem to have a good grasp on who Nereid is as a person and I can't wait to see what you end up doing with her character.
All the best with your writing!
Have a great day/night! :>
Points: 79424
Reviews: 646
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