This is a song/story that will occur much later in my book and the context provided will have already happened by then. The song he is singing is based on “My Ordinary Life” by LivingTombstone. The main thing I want to get feedback on here is the song itself (and maybe a few comments on the surrounding set up).
Thanks ;)
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Crepuscule has always been loved and surrounded by a ‘close’ group of ‘friends’ who are nobles hoping to curry favor with the future king. But then one day he hears about how his younger, weaker, brother (the White Dragon) is going to be king instead of him.
He hears his ‘friends’ praising the White Dragon as greater than all Night Wings. For the first time his façade cracks as he feels a hint of jealousy. They had always told him that he was the greatest Night Wing to have ever lived, but now even he was considered lesser than his younger brother just because that weakling was born with white scales.
Then a few days later his mother and father (the king and queen) declare that the White Dragon will be the next king in front of the whole tribe.
On the outside Crepuscule remains calm while on the inside his whole identity is being shattered. He was to be next King of the Night Wings! It was his birthright, his identity, what he had been working towards his whole life. Now the two who called themselves his parents stole that from him?
His parents tell him he can do whatever he wishes now that he is ‘free’ from the throne. But he ‘knows’ they are simply trying to get rid of him. As soon as the three of them are out of sight his claw raises to kill them both but a tugging on his heart and a cold clenching in his chest causes his talon to freeze.
His love for them was getting in the way.
Forced to let them go Crepuscule seethes with anger all evening until he comes to realise that this selfish and unreasonable anger went completely against the persona he has been building up all his life. That of a caring, rational, strong, and charismatic king-to-be.
This contradiction keeps him up all night, slowly driving him insane until he decides to go to the throne room knowing it would be empty this late.
There we find Crepuscule alone dancing around the throne in a strange (crazy/manic) way as he lets out all his emotions in song. Every few lines are punctuated by a chilling laugh as he digs his claws into his handsome face. The pain the only thing keeping him grounded to reality in some way.
“Can’t stay still, even with eyes closed, I feel the
world still passing by.
Can’t fill, heart prideful, even wings closed I think I’ll fly.
No chains, not free.
Though my scales are mortal I’m divine.
None to guide me.
I’ve felt jealous for the very first time.”
“They tell me that I'm gifted, I smile and shrug my
wings.
I drop their jaws with feats and they drop down and give me things.
They tell me I’m genius, I think they’re dumb instead.
I can simply lie to them and not feel like they’ve been misled.
They throw themselves at me, I'm losing touch you see?
Served on a silver platter, so they think, but they don’t get me.”
“They treat me like a god, I'm lost in my façade.
It’s only when my talons hit the ground that I start feeling odd.
They don’t care if I’m a snake, they twist it so there’s no mistake.
I’m baking in their praises, I don't care that they're just being fake.”
“They placed themselves below me, so I fly high above.
All those dragons look the same, I’d trample them without their love.”
“Is there any saving me? Have I been crippled by my
crutch?”
“When you become untouchable, you're unable to touch.”
“Is there a real me? Can I even feel pain?
It hurts me just to think, as their voices fill my brain.”
“All I do is lay there, restless. Losing sleep while I
lose my mind.
No thrill, all stress. All my morals left behind.
My kingdom, below. So high on a throne divine…
Give in (to anger), let go (of love)."
"I’ve felt jealous for the very last time.”
He whispers ominously as he sits on the throne with a deadly calm countenance.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello, My Friend!
Oooou, a song about Crepuscule? Awesome!! I really enjoyed this whole song, and the context behind it! The idea of a jealous Crepuscule in a maddened state, dancing around the throne to this eerie song, is just too freaking cool!! I love how the lyrics slowly turn from vocalizing how he feels in the moment, restless and jealous, to believing they're all "fake" and feeling the lurking desire to trample the dragons beneath him.
As for a more technical review, I don't really have any complaints. I noticed some of the lyrics toward the beginning were a bit choppy, like here:
I don't know if this was intentional, but I think it actually works with the context, considering Crepuscule is in an unstable state of mind. Again, his lyrics slowly gaining more clarity and specificity as the song goes on adds to the unsettling factor in the song, and this slow descent into anger and callousness.
Of course, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt ~
My favorite moment in this piece would be so hard to pick, there were so many great lines in here! But one that really stuck out was this, here...
This feels like a grand crescendo, or a final bridge, and the lyrics reflect that very well. These questions about being saved, if he is crippled, are so surreal for Crepuscule to ask from his current position. "When you become untouchable, you're unable to touch." Also reflects the idea that it's not just others failing to reach him, but him failing to reach or understand others, be it willingly or not. And of course, the second questions point to this feeling of an existential question spurred on by the rejection of the throne he worked his whole life for, so it fits so well.
I also liked this toward the end. Describing the feeling of godly power from his throne, looking down on a kingdom, is the perfect allusion to the incoming corruption of his character.
Overall, these lyrics were amazing! Nicely done!
All your comments were great!
I am so glad his madness at the start came across well, though the broken lines were more a result of trying to match the beat of the song. (so glad it worked out though)
I was hoping to also make the reader slightly empathies with Crepuscule or at least understand his twisted way of thinking and how he became the way he is. Whether or not he is redeemable won't be revealed until the end though.
Nice work done by the author.
"He hears his ‘friends’ praising the White Dragon as greater than all Night Wings. For the first time his façade cracks as he feels a hint of jealousy."
This feeling of betrayal hits quite hard, it feels like destroying all the happy memories you have spent with them. It feels okay if an outsider says that to you, but if the same thing is said by your loved ones, by your family or your friends it feels bad and the feeling of betrayal inside you starts to spread its roots wide, and when that betrayal has full control over you it drives you crazy and makes you do insane things.
You also start to regret about the fact that you trusted them so much, you gave them the trust they did not deserve.
“Is there a real me? Can I even feel pain?
It hurts me just to think, as their voices fill my brain.”
It breaks your heart, shattering it into million of pieces, when you realize that all hard work and all your sacrifices were in vain, because 'they' only mentioned your flaws and made you think about everything you lacked. They make you doubt yourself, but all I have got to say is believe in yourself.
Even if the White dragon looks majestic due to how beautiful and divine his scales look, don't forget a 'book is not be judged by its cover, the contend inside it matters'.
Keep it up.
Waiting for more.
Thank you.
Thanks so much for your review!
I wasn't expecting this take on Crepuscule's character and it was interesting to see how he looks in the eyes of a reader who doesn't know him yet.
(this was meant to help him be relatable though so I'm glad you picked up on it)