Hey there, dragonight! Rebel here for a short review!
At a first glance, it seems that the lyrical poem here is sung by the Night Wings, characters of one of your works (I might check it out someday). I just checked out the original song 'Discord' by the The Living Tombstone, and I loved it. So, thanks for introducing me to a banger.
Now, about the lyrics themselves - If the name "Crepuscule" is pronounced the way I think it is (Creh-puhss-cuhl), the lyrics are in perfect sync with the rhythm and the music of the song. So, great job in that front!
There are a couple of grammatical errors however. In the line "I can’t breath one flame, no, I can’t move at all.", it should be "breathe" instead of "breath" - as "breath" is the noun and "breathe" is the verb. It's just a little spelling mistake though, so I don't mind it a lot.
But, in the lines "Crepuscule! I’m roaring in cave, / And weeping for the day that you made me into your slave.", I think there are more than a couple of mistakes to point out. Firstly, in the earlier line from the excerpt, I think there should be an article like "a" or "the" before "cave" - or you could capitalize the "c" in "cave" to make it "Cave", a proper noun (if you are referring to a particular cave, like, The Cave). And, in the latter line, it should be "when" instead of "that". Also, since "the Night Wings" refers to more than one person, I think it should be "us" instead of "me" in the same line - as it sounds more natural, in my opinion - and also since you have used words like "our" and "we" in other lines to refer to the Night Wings, I think it also makes more sense.
Anyway, that was all! That's all the grammatical mistakes I could find, check them out if you want. All in all, it was a good read (and an awesome song too). Keep writing! :p
P.S.: This review was brought to you by Team Tortoise.
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