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16+

Crepuscule

by dragonight9


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

I am writing this to practice how to write song lyrics so I can add them to my book. Any grammar errors or ways to smoothly transfer to the singing of the lyrics and back would be greatly appreciated. This song is heavily inspired by, and to the tune of, "Discord" by, 'The Living Tombstone' in their album, Eurobeat Brony. Can be found on Spotify or YouTube.

For those who want no spoilers for "Shadow's Rising" just skip to the song. I will be describing an idea I have for near the end of my series which is a long way off but I wanted to give fair warning for those who dislike spoilers.

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SPOILERS: This is a song I wrote to be sung by the Night Wings who's minds were taken by a villain in my story named Crepuscule (to be described way later). He is the mastermind of their downfall. After helping them prosper (in order to build trust with them) he then gradually took control until even their minds were his. He now enjoys sadistically listening to them sing about their suffering. I plan to have the main group of characters infiltrate his land and find a pit with a throne looking down into it. In the pit these dragons are singing this song over and over with haggard bodies and eyes red from crying. Trapped in a prison of their own minds.

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Suddenly, the Night Wings in the pit began to sing.

"

We’ve always hated puppeteers,
but we had nagging fears,
someone else was pulling at our strings.

Something terrible is happening,
though we were prospering,
we lost sanity and all our wings.

I can’t breathe one flame, no, I can’t move at all.

I curse his name, the one behind it all…

Crepuscule! I’m roaring in a cave,
And weeping for the day that you made me into your slave.

Crepuscule! Whatever did we do,
That would make you take our minds away?

Crepuscule! Are we your prey alone,
Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne?

Crepuscule! I can’t take it anymore!
Please take your tyranny away!

Crepuscule…

***Music***

I was fine with giving you control,
But then I sold my soul,
Now the world is being torn apart.

With words of sweetest symphony,
you brought catastrophe,
What a terrifying work of art.

I can’t breathe one flame, no, I can’t move at all.

I curse his name, the one behind it all…

Crepuscule! I’m roaring in a cave,
And weeping for the day that you made me into your slave.

Crepuscule! Whatever did we do,
That would make you take our minds away?

Crepuscule! Are we your prey alone,
Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne?

Crepuscule! I can’t take it anymore!
Please take your tyranny away!

Crepuscule…

***Music***

Crepuscule! I’m roaring in a cave,
And weeping for the day that you made me into your slave.

Crepuscule! Whatever did we do,
That would make you take our minds away?

Crepuscule! Are we your prey alone,
Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne?

Crepuscule! I can’t take it anymore!
Please take your tyranny away!

"

They cried in agony.

Again, all credit to The Living Tombstone. I hope you enjoyed.


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56 Reviews

Points: 4385
Reviews: 56

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Sun Jun 09, 2024 6:31 pm
TheRebel2007 wrote a review...



Hey there, dragonight! Rebel here for a short review!

At a first glance, it seems that the lyrical poem here is sung by the Night Wings, characters of one of your works (I might check it out someday). I just checked out the original song 'Discord' by the The Living Tombstone, and I loved it. So, thanks for introducing me to a banger.

Now, about the lyrics themselves - If the name "Crepuscule" is pronounced the way I think it is (Creh-puhss-cuhl), the lyrics are in perfect sync with the rhythm and the music of the song. So, great job in that front!

There are a couple of grammatical errors however. In the line "I can’t breath one flame, no, I can’t move at all.", it should be "breathe" instead of "breath" - as "breath" is the noun and "breathe" is the verb. It's just a little spelling mistake though, so I don't mind it a lot.

But, in the lines "Crepuscule! I’m roaring in cave, / And weeping for the day that you made me into your slave.", I think there are more than a couple of mistakes to point out. Firstly, in the earlier line from the excerpt, I think there should be an article like "a" or "the" before "cave" - or you could capitalize the "c" in "cave" to make it "Cave", a proper noun (if you are referring to a particular cave, like, The Cave). And, in the latter line, it should be "when" instead of "that". Also, since "the Night Wings" refers to more than one person, I think it should be "us" instead of "me" in the same line - as it sounds more natural, in my opinion - and also since you have used words like "our" and "we" in other lines to refer to the Night Wings, I think it also makes more sense.

Anyway, that was all! That's all the grammatical mistakes I could find, check them out if you want. All in all, it was a good read (and an awesome song too). Keep writing! :p

P.S.: This review was brought to you by Team Tortoise.




dragonight9 says...


Thanks so much for the corrections. I corrected the spelling mistakes now.
The part about them saying 'me' instead of 'us' is because, though they are singing as a group, each of them has experienced the same suffering and sing about their individual pain. That's why



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435 Reviews

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Reviews: 435

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Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:56 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

Even now I am not 100% but I think I figured out your riddle ;)

Image

What The Black Eyes See...

Even if I'm wrong on the riddle, I'm really glad I wound up here; this is a fascinating (and horrifying) addition to your Shadow's Rising world! And you really have a knack for writing lyrics ~ Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

I have no corrections or recommendations to make! This was awesome!

Why The Grin Widened...

Ah, so many great elements here!

I love the pretenses you provided, with Crepuscule's throne above a pit of utter despair, his sadistic game with his prisoners, and the awful state of the Night Wings. It set a very grim and sorrowful stage that added to the impact of the lyrics.

With it, this verse stuck out to me:

Something terrible is happening,
though we were prospering,
we lost sanity and all our wings.


It gives the feeling that the Night Wings are at least somewhat aware of their current state, being trapped and having no control of themselves, yet there's nothing they can do about it -and that is a terrifying thing to imagine, like this almost plays into the dark fantasy or even horror genre. Though as a nut for horror, I appreciate that ;)

The next one that hit me was this line:

Crepuscule! Are we your prey alone,
Or are we just a stepping stone for taking back the throne?


Very foreboding, the idea of something like this only being a stepping stone. I wouldn't be surprised given the story of Ash and Scorch (I'm assuming Crepuscule is the dragon king there), but it still makes me eager to see into the future of Shadow's Rising.

With words of sweetest symphony,
you brought catastrophe,


I also thought this was a great way to describe Crepuscule. It ties in so well with the little moments we've seen of his character, playing up that wickedly manipulative nature of his.

And finally, here:

Crepuscule! Whatever did we do,
That would make you take our minds away?


Good question: why treat the Night Wings this way? Why target them first? Is there something more special about this tribe than we know (and could that something be Shadow himself), or were they just the most convenient target? I feel like this song alludes to many answers, yet gives us just as many questions...

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, this was a great piece to show off your lyrical skills, and doubled as a great way to promote your story -even to existing readers, lol. Nicely done! :)

Image




dragonight9 says...


Great job!
The translations were close,
"Sit before this massive throng and listen to my favorite song" (wanted it to rhyme)
"Review story for points"

Thanks of course for your review as well. I really enjoyed writing this teaser song. When I heard the original ('Discord' by The Living Tombstone), I just knew it was perfect for this character.



RavenAkuma says...


Ah, so close, dangit! XD

And yeah, it fits great!




Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.
— Holden Caulfield