Beyblade: Rise of the dragon king!

Hey @Thediffident here to review your amazing fanfiction! One of my favourite genres in reading is action and I'm in utter awe with your piece! Your writing style is impeccable and felt so captivating to me while reading your piece. Furthermore, the words you used here were simple and to the point and I didn't find any major grammatical errors with your work either. Awesome job!

The earth rumbles as a red glow illuminates the sky. A volcano that had laid dormant for years was erupting. However, it was barely noticed by the rest of the world as it was just one of many natural disasters caused by the god of destruction, Nemeses.

I loved how you differentiated the real word with the supernatural one here and that too in just a few lines. Great work!

Ladon was a young boy who was part of a village of people known as the vault guardians. They had been tasked by an ancient king with guarding the vault containing his greatest treasure for all of time. The vault was hidden in a cave deep inside a volcanic mountain. Ladon had always hated guarding the vault. The king was long dead, and his kingdom destroyed

I really liked how you portrayed Ladon's character. He is a sweet yet still a naive child who's mind is kind of clouded with selfishness. Great work on explaining his personality in just a few simple lines!

In his mind’s eye Ladon was taken on a journey through the memories of the bey who’s name was Smolderon, although he also bore the title Dragon King. He was a bey who watched over noble human kings and had guarded their treasures for many decades…until the beyblade known as L-Drago fell to the earth.

The description of the Beyblade, the dragon as well the scenery/background is given perfectly! Imagining/ picturing every part of the story became much more easier with this. Furthermore, it also helped me maintain a flow while reading your piece. Bravo!

Check this out, it looks like the performance tip is nearly identical to that of Phantom Orion. It allows for near infinite stamina, but there’s something different about it that I can’t quite figure out. The thick fusion wheel is smooth and has a scale like design to reduce wind resistance and provide a massive amount of defence. It’s probably the heaviest fusion wheel I’ve ever seen. That might explain why it created that dent when fired. It would also help with defence and stamina as it will be hard to stop the bey once it’s spinning. The spin track is very similar to Jupiter’s. It has four metal ball bearings that can move to increase its defence or spinning speed. They also increase the bey’s weight. Lastly, there is also very little space between each layer giving the bey a low center of gravity.” Madoka analysed.

Great work with the detailed description on the techniques and the Beyblade. It gave me better knowledge of it and made me even more engrossed in reading the rest of the story. I however did feel that it was a bit stretched at one point and suggest maybe shortening it a bit and focusing on the more important elements of the story instead.

Three…two…one…let it rip!” They cried. Sagittario immediately headed for the center of the stadium to block Smolderon from reaching it but before he was halfway there Smolderon rammed into him sending sparks flying everywhere

The description of the fight and the dialogues are composed amazingly and the catchphrases characters use before releasing their Beyblades is an icing on the cake. Great work!

We’ll battle again Dragon King, and next time I’ll be even stronger.” He said with determination.

That really was quite an ending! Reading this piece was great! This was such a fun ride yet it still left me craving for more! I haven't really watched a lot of episodes of Beyblade and am still unfamiliar with the characters however, reading this piece made me easily get the gist of the story as well as the characters. Great job!

The story overall was great! I however do have some suggestions.

Firstly, the dialogues you used here were really good but I feel that it could've been much more appealing to the reader if you highlighted them with some extra indentations or with a different font.

I would also suggest maybe working on it overtime and improving it little by little. Maybe add some more elements to the character's personalities or maybe add different adjectives to the story, rearrange your sentences to make them sound better or just work on the indentation and punctuation marks to make it more appealing to the readers. I do that a lot with my pieces as well and the outputs are incredible!

Please feel free to let me know if you feel that I misinterpreted a part or if you have any questions regarding the review. This was such a fun read! Can't wait to read and check out more of your work.
Love, Andy.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! I'm not actually familiar with this fandom so I'll treat it as any other work! I hope I don't end up missing anything as a result!

First Impression: Okayyy well this was a interesting piece. An oddly wholesome one there but it tried and failed to also try to inject some vilanny into the mix and there were some parts that need a bit of redoing to be a bit more interesting at least in terms of me. Perhaps I just don't understand this well enough to be interested.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The earth rumbles as a red glow illuminates the sky. A volcano that had laid dormant for years was erupting. However, it was barely noticed by the rest of the world as it was just one of many natural disasters caused by the god of destruction, Nemeses.

Deep within the heart of the volcano chains and seals a millennia old were breaking. As the last chain shattered a deep rumbling chuckle was heard.

“Finally. After a millennia of waiting. The dragon emperor is dead.” The chuckle turned into a mighty laugh of triumph that shook the mountain.

“I am free!”

Okay well that's quite an ominous start there when there's a god of destruction that destroys so frequently its dismissed as just a common occurrence. The fact that we've got some sort of dangerous seal breaking does not bode well either. All in all, a powerful little note to start with. Absolutely does its job of immediately yanking our attention.

Ladon was a young boy who was part of a village of people known as the vault guardians. They had been tasked by an ancient king with guarding the vault containing his greatest treasure for all of time. The vault was hidden in a cave deep inside a volcanic mountain. Ladon had always hated guarding the vault. The king was long dead, and his kingdom destroyed. There was no one who even remembered the vault anymore except his village. So, as far as he was concerned, whatever treasure was inside the vault belonged to the people of the village. Sadly, it was sealed shut and there was no way to open it.

Even so, Ladon was determined to be the first to claim whatever was inside before the adults whisked it away, claiming it needed to be protected. That was why, when his whole village was panicking from the erupting volcano, he ran to the vault to see if the seal was still intact.

Well that's an interesting decision to make there. Immediately we end up learning quite about this Ladon person just through that one action. Lovely place to start things off there once again. Well let's see how this pans out. The start of this has so far been very much attention grabbing.

It was hot. Unbearably hot, and there were these flakes in the air that dried out and scratched his throat while tasting like something burnt. Still, he pushed on. He had to dodge giant flaming chunks of rock and run around streams of glowing red rock, but finally he made it to the cave entrance. The heat coming from the cave was ten times worse than outside. Just standing at the entrance was like standing over an open oven. As he pushed through the cave, he could see his sweat turn to steam when it hit the floor.

When he reached the massive doors that made up the entrance to the vault, he nearly forgot about how much pain he was in as he cried out with joy and excitement. The seal was broken, and the shaking had knocked the doors wide open!

Ooooh love the description there. Just enough to get the point across that this is certainly no ordinary place and exactly what conditions might be expected of it without actually diving too far deep into it to detract from the pacing that has been set quite fast here at this opening point.

Ladon quickly ran inside only to find a set of three pedestals on a small island surrounded by lava. He quickly jumped across the lava moat to the island and gazed upon the treasures that lay on the pedestals. The first was a ruby vambrace in the shape of a dragon. There was a hole where the dragon’s eye would be about the size of a large beyblade. The next was an intricate launcher that fit into the dragon’s mouth. The last was the bey itself. The meatal gleamed in the light of the molten magma and seemed to call out to him. He quickly strapped on the vambrace and picked up the launcher. Just as he reached for the bey he noticed the remains of thick black chains surrounding the pedestals. He hesitated, but just then the cavern started to collapse from all the shaking. A massive boulder fell from the celling threatening to squash Ladon.

In a panic he grabbed the bey and launched it at the boulder. Then suddenly out of nowhere a giant dragon appeared and smashed the boulder. The dragon looked down at Ladon with doubt for a moment as Ladon stood there dumfounded. Then the dragon seemed to sigh, accepting its fate and picked him up. They burst out of the mountain in a shower of molten rock as the dragon roared. The dragon then set Ladon down and seemed to be absorbed back into the bey which sat spinning at Ladon’s feet.

OKayy...that was an interesting one. A little too fast paced maybe. I feel like a dragon appearing and this entire complicated exchange there deserves to be described in a little bit more detail, given it does appear to be a fairly important moment. At the moment that gets brushed aside almost like its trivial.

Ladon nervously reached out his hand and the bey flew into it. Ladon winced as the bey was red hot. He quickly placed it into the dragon’s eye. As he did his eyes opened wide and his body spasmed for a moment before collapsing.

In his mind’s eye Ladon was taken on a journey through the memories of the bey who’s name was Smolderon, although he also bore the title Dragon King. He was a bey who watched over noble human kings and had guarded their treasures for many decades…until the beyblade known as L-Drago fell to the earth.

OKayy well it looks like we've got some sort of psychic scenario kicking in and perhaps there's going to be something to do with a bond of sorts here. It looks also almost like Ladon sort of knew what to expect give just how quickly all of this is just straight up being accepted when it feel like some of these moments are magical enough to have been thought of just a little bit more carefully.

It was used by evil kings to conquer many lands and by the time it reached the kingdom Smolderon was guarding, it had already begun to take over it’s blader. The owner of Smolderon was a wise king who decided the only way to stop the evil bey was with the Dragon King. The battle was hard fought and, in the end, Smolderon was victorious, but at a cost. The king realised that if L-Drago could absorb the near endless stamina and power of Smolderon, he would probably destroy the planet.

So, the king sealed the Dragon King away until L-Drago was no more. Soon after, believing he had defeated the dragon king, the people bestowed the title of Dragon Emperor on L-Drago.

OKayy so quick history lesson mode it would appear. Given how early in the story are and the kind of pacing we've had for the whole thing, somehow that whole little history actually works within it when normally an info dump like that would end up being a bit disruptive to the flow.

Ladon woke in a clearing with the sun beaming down on him. Smolderon was clenched in his fist. From what he could tell, the disaster had stopped while he was asleep. Smolderon had the general shape of a normal bey, but he was far heavier than any Ladon had felt before. Ladon could feel power emanating from him. Not a blazing power like in some fiery beys. This seemed more like a dormant volcano. It was calm on the surface, but underneath was the deepest well of destructive power in the world.

“What should we do now?” Ladon asked. He didn’t expect Smolderon to answer and was surprised when he did.

“Train with me. Know me, Bond with me. You seem to have an aptitude for dragons and fire. We can use that to grow stronger together.” The voice was more like a feeling. A knowing of sorts. The voice sounded drowsy and calm like a deep cavern lake.

Okayyy...well it seems we're just kind of jumping fully into that with no context and not much fanfare. Its an interesting structure to work with there. I've never seen something this much of fantasy like elements move so fast because we just aren't stopping for any reactions and its somehow actually working cause its not like you've attempted emotions and done them halfway, its just being completely put aside and that method is working surprisingly well.

“Why do you sound so tired?”

“If I don’t keep myself half asleep like this, my power will overwhelm you as you are now. Train and bond with me so I may wake when you need me.” Smolderon’s voice whispered. Fading away.

Ladon nodded and rose to his feet. Let’s get started then!” He said sprinting down the mountain. Eager to begin training with his new partner.

Well it definitely looks like that is going to be an important duo to the story. They resolved everything there pretty incredibly quickly and I kind of like the efficiency honestly. Well let's see what happens after that has gone down.

It had been a little over a year since Gingka had defeated the god of destruction with the power of everyone’s bey spirits. A few of Gingka’s closest friends were getting together in a tournament sized stadium to have a reunion and a few friendly bey battles without the risk of some great evil taking over the world.

Unfortunately, unbeknownst to them, they had an uninvited guest observing from the shadows of the stadium entrance.

Benkei had challenged Kenta to a battle to see how strong he had become since he obtained the summer constellation star fragment and evolved. Gingka, Kyoya, Madoka, Masamune and Yu all watched from the sidelines. Yu, Masamune and Kyoya all cheered the bladers on while Madoka and Gingka talked about the next generation of bladers.

OKayy well okay this is a fun little gathering of people to start off with. It seems we're now setting a different grander setting of sorts somehow. Well let's see what we actually manage to produce in this one. So far I think I'm just missing much context but what we're seeing does still make enough sense to sound pretty interesting.

“I’ve heard that these new beys are way different than ours.” Gingka said.

“Yes, I have no doubt the creators of the game want to keep anything like what happened with Nemeses from happening again.” Madoka replied.

Gingka sighed. “Yeah, I get that, but it still sucks. We can’t enter any of the tournaments with our beys. They’d burst in one hit.”

Madoka nodded. “Yeah, but there’s not much we can do now is there?”

“Well, that’s unfortunate.” A new voice boomed. Gingka and the others all spun around. Interrupted before their battle even really got started, Benkei and Kenta recalled their beys and ran to join their friends.

Hmm well at the very least we're getting a good sense that this appears to be some sort of friend group/ team of sorts here and they seem to have some interesting concerns about what's to come in this tournament they all seem to be participating in here. Well, let's see what we get.

“I suppose there’s little time to waste then.” The voice continued as a hooded figure stepped into the arena. The shadow of his hood obscured everything about him but his mouth.

“Who are you and what do you want?!” Gingka asked. They saw a smirk cross the stranger’s face.

“My name is unimportant right now, but as for what I want that’s simple.” He said pointing at Gingka.

“I want to battle the blader that supposedly saved the world. This is the first time I’ve actually battled another person and I want to test out this bey’s power against a worthy opponent,” He said, chuckling evilly.

Okayyy that sounds like a very interesting threat of sorts to go through with. Well let's see what happens here. It looks like we are about to witness some sort of fight break out here although in this tournament setting it does seem like things aren't going to be quite a fight in the traditional sense.

“Ha! If you want to get to Gingka you’ll have to go through me!” Kyoya challenged, stepping forward. The hooded blader stopped smiling.

“Sorry. I would love to face you, but I don’t want to reveal all my bey’s secrets before I have the chance to battle the one I truly came for.”

“Why you…” Kyoya began, but Gingka stepped forward.

“I accept your challenge!”

The hooded blader smiled again as he moved towards the arena. Kyoya turned to Gingka but Gingka put a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry. This guy came to battle me, and I want to see what kind of blader he really is.”

Okayy well that sounds like a pretty standard interaction there. Friend stepping up but the one challenged stepping up anyway. Pretty much right from the textbook of scenes like this so let's see where this actually goes here.

Kyoya growled but relented. Gingka readied himself and hooked Pegasus into his launcher, then he gasped as the other rider held up his left arm. He had a vambrace that looked very similar to Ryuga’s except that this one was made of a crimson ruby. The blader took out his launcher and hooked his bey into it. It was like no bey Gingka had ever seen. Gingka shook himself and focused as his friends counted down.

“Three…two…one…Let it rip!” Gingka and the mysterious blader shouted. Pegasus hit the far side of the arena and took off. The other blader’s bey dented the arena where it hit and quickly slid down to the bottom of the arena. Gingka and his friend’s eyes widened at the dent this new bey made when it touched the ground. Now it sat at the bottom of the arena like a giant anchor.

Madoka quickly whipped out her computer.

Okayyy well that does seem like an actual tournament of some sort. Very interesting battle style certainly. It also looks like we've got some sort of tech person coming in there to actually figure whatever this challenging person's device is going to do. I have no doubt its going to be some sort of crazy overpowered. We'll see where this takes us from there.

“Look at this guys.” She said as her friends leaned in to see what kind of bey they were dealing with.

“Check this out, it looks like the performance tip is nearly identical to that of Phantom Orion. It allows for near infinite stamina, but there’s something different about it that I can’t quite figure out. The thick fusion wheel is smooth and has a scale like design to reduce wind resistance and provide a massive amount of defence. It’s probably the heaviest fusion wheel I’ve ever seen. That might explain why it created that dent when fired. It would also help with defence and stamina as it will be hard to stop the bey once it’s spinning. The spin track is very similar to Jupiter’s. It has four metal ball bearings that can move to increase its defence or spinning speed. They also increase the bey’s weight. Lastly, there is also very little space between each layer giving the bey a low center of gravity.” Madoka analysed.

“This might be the ultimate defence type!” She gasped.

Well that was a lot...physics has gone bye bye but I suppose this is simply an analysis that makes sense within the fandom and I think you manage to sell that it is in fact a pretty powerful thing that does in fact seem incredibly overpowered and is likely going to smash whatever this other person launched into bits.

The hooded blader bowed. “Thank you for your brilliant analysis Madoka. I would expect nothing less from a bey mechanic.”

“It doesn’t matter how much defence it has. If I keep attacking it with a barrage it won’t have time to recover. Go Pegasus!” Gingka shouted as Pegasus charged down.

“Now barrage mode!” Gingka shouted. Pegasus shifted and slammed into the mysterious bey over and over. Pushing the bey halfway up the stadium. Then it stopped and slowly pushed Pegasus all the way back to the center of the stadium.

“What?!” Gingka shouted. The mysterious blader raised his hands in a shrug.

Yup that attack seems to have done about as much expected. Not entirely sure why this person decided to just through a bunch of attacks at something that supposedly has ultimate defense but I there isn't much to do besides attack.

“Tiny attacks like that can’t get my bey to move so easily no matter how many you throw at me.”

“Th…That bey’s defence is insane!” Kyoya said in awe. He couldn’t believe any bey could survive Gingka’s barrage mode so easily.

“Ok then, let’s try from below! Special move. Storm bringer!” Gingka shouts as Pegasus shoots away from the mysterious bey and starts racing around the arena faster and faster. The resulting updraft barely manages to lift the mysterious bey.

“It’s too heavy!” Madoka shouted, but Gingka wasn’t about to give up yet. He and Pegasus manage to lift the bey another few inches before rushing in for the killing blow. The mysterious blader smiled.

OKayy well despite multiple times of realizing this thing has so much defense it seems clearly this person only knows to attack and seems to have too much confidence in said attacks. I don't know if there's some rule I don't realize but I feel like waiting for that thing to attack would've been the actual smart move based on all of the advice and analysis present here.

“Now Smolderon. Let them feel the weight of their folly. Mass of scales!”

Just as Pegasus is about to crash into it, the mysterious bladder’s bey tilts down. Its weight crushing Pegasus into the floor.

“Pegasus!” Gingka cried. Pegasus quickly bursts out but yet again it has done little to nothing to Smolderon.

“Try to lift this king of his scaley backside and you’ll only be crushed under the weight.” The mysterious blader shrugged as he began to laugh, but these laughs were more like squeals of excitement. Then, suddenly, he grabbed the edge of his hood and tossed it aside.

Okayy well not exactly the greatest of surprise reveals for us readers but it did work quite nicely there on the actual people in the story there and well surprisingly it does look like this thing doesn't actually have the ability to just one shot this other pegasus situation. That is actually surprising given the whole ultimate defense thing because I thought it would be overpowered in every part. Now hopefully this is at least used correctly.

“This is great! Finally, something that can actually fight back! Staying anonymous is cool and all, but I think it’s about time I reviled myself. I’d like enjoy this battle to the fullest.”

He looked a little older than Kenta but younger than Gingka. With his spiky black hair, T-shirt and track pants he looked like any ‘cool kid’ you’d find at your school.

“Nice to officially meet you Gingka. My name is Ladon, and this is my partner Smolderon.” He said pointing to his bey.

“Nice to meet you Ladon and Smolderon.” Gingka replied with a smirk from battel excitement. Ladon laughed again.

OKay that just kind of got all chummy really fast. I suppose that makes sense given this does appear to be simply a fight in this game more than an actual battle where they're fighting for their lives. The earlier drama kind of feels completely unnecessary though as a result or at least a bit too dramatic but then given it seems these are pretty young people it is also possible to let that slide.

“I’ve been hoping you would help me wake Smolderon Gingka. I don’t like waking him before a battle, but if you hit him hard enough, he might just wake up.” Ladon said excitedly.

“Smolderon may be the king of dragons but it takes a lot to get him motivated. What you just saw was basically the equivalent to him rolling in his sleep. Also, I tend to taunt my opponents when they fail to wake him in the hopes, they’ll try harder. I hope you’ll excuse that in the upcoming battle.” Ladon apologised.

Gingka just gave him a thumbs up and a grin.

Well that certainly is an interesting tactic but I love the little continuation we're managing to get off that start. Now I'm excited to see what we might be able to produce with this one actually being awoken. Its certainly pretty exciting.

“Alright, now let’s get back to the battle! Pegasus!” Gingka calls as Pegasus dives in towards Smolderon. As they crashed Pegasus uses Smolderon like a springboard to soar into the sky.

“Now Pegasus! Special move, Star Blast Attack!” Pegasus emerged from it’s bey and dove down into Smolderon but was smacked aside like an annoying fly.

“What was that?!” Gingka gasped. Ladon laughed.

“That was Smolderon swatting the annoying fly disturbing his sleep.” He chuckled. “You were slightly closer to waking him at least. Try again!”

Well I suppose this time meaninglessly throwing the thing at the thing makes because they aren't exactly just fighting to win but actually trying to achieve this one common goal. So well, it does appear its going to be a difficult goal though.

Gingka nodded. “Again Pegasus! Star Blast Attack!” He said. And again, Pegasus attacked but was swatted aside. After a few more unsuccessful attempts Pegasus was beginning to wobble.

“Come on. You know by now that isn’t gonna work so why keep trying? Hit him with something just a little stronger and he might just be annoyed enough to wake up and actually fight you,” Ladon said tauntingly.

“Well, if that wasn’t enough to wake your bey then try this! Go now Pegasus. Final drive mode!” Gingka called. Pegasus dropped down onto its higher performance tip and speed up.

Okayyy feels like that probably should've been tried immediately they established that the fly swatting is pretty much all that was happening with the other weaker attacks. Getting it to the point where this Pegasus thing is weakening doesn't seem like the smartest move to pull off there.

“Special move. Pegasus, Cosmic Tornado!” Gingka called. Pegasus charged so fast it created after images of itself. There was an explosion and dust filled the arena. Ladon smirked as he closed his eyes and let the dust wash over him.

“Thanks, Gingka.” He whispered.

“Now Smolderon is ready to fight at his fullest.” Then Ladon opened his eyes with a flash of power.

“Special move. Draconic awakening.”

OKay that did sound like a lot of fanciness and lots of explosions. Well at least it looks like we're finally going to be able to see what this thing is actually capable of there and what Ladon actually plans on doing with said capability.

Then, all of a sudden, there was another explosion and Pegasus flew out of the cloud of smoke, slamming into the wall of the arena, making a massive crater and nearly causing the wall to collapse.

“Wha…Pegasus!” Gingka cried. Ladon smiled.

“Thank you so much Gingka. Thanks to you, it seems Smolderon finally decided to wake up.”

Smolderon leaped back into his hand. Masamune gasped.

“So that’s what happens when Smolderon wakes up?” Then he turned to Madoka. “What happened out there? How was Gingka sent flying like that?”

That did sound like that thing achieved its ultimate attack as well like I thought it would have from the beginning. Well certainly was a fun moment thee. Now the question what actually is going to come of this whole awakening situation that we've got ourselves into here.

“I couldn’t see. There was too much dust in the way after their last clash.” She replied frustrated. Ladon smiled as he looked down at his bey.

“Good. Now I’m ready to challenge the one I’m truly after.”

“Gingka wasn’t who you truly wanted to battle?” Kenta asked. Ladon smiled at him.

“No, no, no. The one I’m truly after…is the one who inherited the spirit of L-Drago. The summer constellation legendary blader. YOU Kenta!” He declared, pointing at Kenta.

Okayyy. I have no clue why that conclusion was made but I suppose there is a reason here that I don't quite understand. Let's see if this particular one actually turns out to be a battle that's worth talking about to some extent.

“Me?” Kenta asked, astonished. Ladon nodded.

“The dragon emperor’s existence is the very reason Smolderon, the dragon king, was sealed away. His original owner, and a wise king of an ancient kingdom, was able to defeat L-Drago and stop him from rampaging. However, he realised that if L-Drago ever became strong enough to sap Smolderon of his strength he would become more powerful than all the bladers in the world combined. You see, L-Drago can sap strength as long as a bey is spinning. Similarly, to Orion, both our bey’s can spin indefinitely. Unlike Orion however, Smolderon has enough defence to give L-Drago power for centuries. Long after his owner’s bey spirit has been completely devoured.”

Kenta and his friends looked horrified.

OKay not entirely sure where the horror comes from unfortunately. That feels entirely too long to be an effectively scary villain monologue because it comes across very much as just someone listing off a massive technicality in a card game or something but you do get the idea something big will happen, so let's see what this produces.

“And therefore, I must battle the blader that carries on L-Drago’s spirit…and that’s you Kenta, so come over here and face me.” Ladon said with fire in his eyes.

Kenta stared back with fierce determination. If he’d learned anything from Ryuga, it was determination and how not to be intimidated by anyone. “Ok. Let’s do this.”

Kenta took Gingka’s place on the far side of the stadium. “Ready,” He said as he locked Sagittario into his launcher.

Okay it looks like this time once again we've got a threat of sorts although time time really there are no stakes because I have no doubt this isn't going to exactly be an epic fight to the death to save the world either. There's way too much announcing random attacks for any real tension to form.

Ladon smiled as he hooked Smolderon into his launcher. “Ready,” He replied.

“Three…two…one…let it rip!” They cried. Sagittario immediately headed for the center of the stadium to block Smolderon from reaching it but before he was halfway there Smolderon rammed into him sending sparks flying everywhere.

“What?! How is it so fast?” Kenta gasped.

On the sidelines Madoka gasped as well. “Not good. Look at this.” She said, gesturing to her computer.

OKayy well I suppose this is the part where we see the whole ultimate everything part. I guess this whole overpoweredness was what we were always expecting. I do hope there's something of a fight thought. If this Smolderon thing takes no damage whatsoever its going to be an incredibly boring fight as it tends to be when one side is far too overpowered for the other.

“Smolderon is in his awakened form now. The scales on the side of his fusion wheel have extended outward creating the sharp claws of a dragon. The metal balls in its spin track have moved to the center giving it a massive boost to its speed and power. Also, that weird thing I noticed earlier about its performance tip is obvious now. There was a hole at the very bottom of the performance tip with rubber inside that stays just off the ground normally, except when hit by a really strong attack.”

“So that’s how he was swatting Pegasus away like that.” Gingka said.

“Yes, and now that the metal balls have moved inward the extra weight is having the same effect, causing the rubber to touch and giving it a massive amount of attack power at the cost of it’s stamina,” Madoka continued.

Yup that pretty much just confirms all of that. Now to see if somehow this battle manages to actually be even mildly interesting. The previous one did manage to be interesting because of the whole awakening thing but so far this one has just been incredibly predictable and not particularly exciting.

Ladon trembled in excitement.

“This is the first time I’ve gotten to use Smolderon’s full strength in battle! I hope you’re a lot tougher than you look, cause I’m not going to hold back and I want to try out everything on you. Go Smolderon! Special move, Roar of the Dragon King!” He shouted as Smolderon slammed into Sagittario. Sparks, much more than normal, quickly ignited into a tornado of flames. Smolderon slammed Sagittario into the air as the flames carried it higher and higher. Kenta smiled.

“Now Sagittario! Special move, Diving Claw!” Kenta called. The tornado burst apart as the flaming arrow that was Sagittario dove at Smolderon. Ladon just laughed.

“Yes! More, more! Let me play with you more! Special move, Dragon King Flaming Tackle!” Ladon shouted. Smolderon suddenly caught fire and leapt into the air, meeting Sagittario mid air in a massive explosion. The two bey’s landed side by side both still spinning.

Yeah that's unfortunately going exactly as I feared it would for the moment. Well I suppose this other thing will soon enough be put out of its misery there, so that's going to mostly be that. Once again there's just no stakes that seem to appear here and this battle just really isn't proving to be exciting at all.

“Come on Sagittario!” Kenta shouted as he attacked Smolderon over and over. Smolderon pushed right back.

“Yes, yes! This is so awesome!” Ladon cried in excitement.

“Now there are only a few things left for me to try,” He said as Smolderon broke off and leaped back into the sky.

“First, Dragon King Destruction Fist!” Ladon yelled. For the first time Smolderon appeared out of it’s bey and, drawing back his fist, slammed into the ground along with the bey itself. The stadium broke, with small cracks weaving throughout the entire stadium.

Well this is getting almost embarrassing for this other thing. Its just becoming really hard to see this even as a fight here. It just seems to be one person with all of the powers just bullying this random thing that can do basically nothing.

“Now! Combo move, Dragon King’s Den!” Ladon roared. The fire around Smolderon’s fusion wheel spread through the cracks in the stadium turning the whole thing into a pit of flames

. “Welcome Kenta and Sagittario…to the dragon den! Now Smolderon. Let’s show our guests some dragon hospitality,” Ladon said with a wolfish grin.

Smolderon charged through the flames towards and unbalanced Sagittario.

“Run Sagittario!” Kenta warned. The flames seemed to slow him down however, and he couldn’t escape. At the same time it seemed like Smolderon was only sped up by them.

“What’s going on Madoka?” Gingka asked.

Well and somehow apparently the whole place shifts to just favor this other person. I suppose all of the already overpowered attacks just weren't nearly enough for Ladon to actually be satisfied. Unfortunately it just makes this fight just become worse yet again.

Madoka gasped. “The flames are creating an updraft that is reducing Sagittario’s grip on the stadium floor. However, the scales on Smolderon’s fusion wheel are perfectly aligned to catch the updraft and increase its speed. Smolderon has changed the stadium into the den of dragons giving him a massive advantage.”

Smolderon smashed into Sagittario. His claws ripping apart everything they came into contact with.

“Sagittario!” Kenta cried.

“Don’t worry. I have no intention of destroying your bey. I just wanted to see how powerful the inheritor of L-Drago’s power was. I’ll finish you off soon.” Ladon commented darkly.

Okayyy I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. It feels like those two statements are contradictory to me. Maybe I'm not understand something there. I do however have a feeling somehow this Kenta person is about to unlock some sort of super mode of sorts. Its the only thing I can think of to make this story last a little longer.

Then suddenly Kenta clenched his fists. And a golden aura of power began to appear around him and Sagittario. Ladon gasped.

He could see Ryuga and L-Drago standing with them.

“Don’t mess with me! Raaagh!” Kenta and Ryuga roared. As they did Sagittario changed to attack mode and, using his tall spin track, slammed into the top of Smolderon flipping him into the air.

“Go now Sagittario! Flame Emperor Supreme Strike!” They called as a column of fire erupted from the core of Sagittario embodying both L-Drago’s and Sagittario’s spirits as they charged up the spiraling flames to deal a decisive blow.

Yup that went precisely as I thought xD. Well I suppose at the very least having some sort of fightback is proving to be a little exciting. I am however worried that Ladon is just going to pull out some massive strike too and just suddenly achieve new heights even though he was meant to be attacking with full power this entire time.

Ladon’s eyes opened wide with excitement and determination.

“Whooohoo! I can’t stand it anymore! Let’s go Smolderon! Time to prove once and for all who is the true king of dragons!” He shouted as a fiery crimson aura surrounded him.

“No holding back now! Special move, Dragon King Flaming Nova!” Ladon called. Smolderon’s spirit appeared and took in a huge breath. Tilting his head back as far as he could. Then released a massive ball of flames at the twin spirit’s coming for him. The fire was blinding for a moment, causing everyone to look away. Then there was a massive explosion that threw Kenta and Ladon off their feet.

Slowly everyone stood and waited for the dust to clear. Finally, the dust settled to reveal…

Okay well yup that also went exactly as I though ahh. Well at least it seems somehow we've finally reached the end of this. That battle really didn't manage to establish any proper stakes at any point because of how just unbalanced it was at the start and then just those random powerups.

Smolderon still spinning while Sagittario lay on its side. However, Smolderon had been knocked back to sleep mode and was wobbling slightly.

“Man, if we had taken one more good hit that would have been the end for us.” Ladon said as he called Smolderon back to him.

“Awww. I lost.” Kenta said, falling to his knees.

“Don’t worry about that. You put up an amazing fight Kenta! I’ve never had so much fun in my life.” Ladon laughed, grinning ear to ear, as he handed Sagittario back to Kenta. Then he helped Kenta to his feet.

I don't know how that was an amazing fight and now again all of these weird dark threats are just completely ruined and feel unnecessary but at least we're ending on something of a wholesome note from the looks of things so that's a bonus.

“Thank you so much for battling me. Now Smolderon’s last wish has been completed.” Ladon said.

“You don’t mean you’re going to stop battling do you?” Kenta hurriedly asked. Ladon laughed.

“Of course not. What I mean is, that now we can battle for fun instead of simply training to defeat one blader.” He said with a grin.

“Face me then.” Kyoya said fiercely. “I want to see how you do against my Leon.”

But Ladon waved his hand. “Sorry. These were my first two battles ever, and I’m exhausted.”

Well at least we have some semblance in that one. The ending is proving to be much better than that whole fight turned out to be. Honestly that was probably the only part that really misfired quite so badly.

“The way you battled makes me doubt that’s true.” Kyoya said suspiciously.

“Oh, well I have been watching all your bey battles that were recorded over the last few years. And I used the bey I had before Smolderon to practice so I’m not a complete newbie.”

Then he looked around at the group with an awkward smile as he scratched the back of his head. “Sorry for interrupting by the way, and even more sorry for wrecking the stadium.” He nodded to the stadium ruble all over the place. Yu laughed.

“Well, I was planning on battling Kenji, but I think the stadium would have been wrecked eventually anyway, so it’s whatever.”

Okayy well I suppose all fun and games in the end. I really don't know why you leaned in so heavily to the darkness and villain arcs there in places. I feel they really didn't anything to this piece.

“Thanks. Oh, could you keep this battle our little secret? I don’t want the world to know about me yet. Maybe I’ll show up in some big tournament and surprise everyone. Yeah, that’d be cool,” Ladon said as he turned to leave, waving at the others.

“Let’s battle again some time!” He called.

“Your next battle will be with me!” Kyoya yelled after him. Ladon laughed.

“Sure thing, kitty cat!” He called as he rounded the corner.

“What!” Kyoya roared. Yu, Madoka and Gingka laughed. Kenta smiled. He had felt Ryuga’s presence during that battle. His friend’s spirit was still strong inside him.

“We’ll battle again Dragon King, and next time I’ll be even stronger.” He said with determination.

Well I always love a nice wholesome ending although this one because of those odd arcs feels a bit tainted. At any rate though, it is an ending I do like simply cause everyone acted actually sensibly there. No pointless grudges or anything so overall a fun ending.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think you've got a pretty fun story here. The idea is quite nice and I think ultimately the larger plot of it all is actually pretty interesting and a surprisingly wholesome little tale. Its just got a few kinks here and there that need to be looked at a second time.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate

Hello dragonnight9! Incoming review!

Woah, this is a long piece, and I can see the effort and love put into it. I don't know anything about Beyblade Metal Fury, but I hope this review is of some help for your writing.

I'll review part by part. So I just finished the first part and You had some excellent worldbuilding.

However, it was barely noticed by the rest of the world as it was just one of many natural disasters caused by the god of destruction, Nemeses.

The way you describe the natural disaster was simple but not to the point to talking down to your reader. I instantly felt immersed.

Your descriptions to start out with were also vivid and worked very well.

Deep within the heart of the volcano chains and seals a millennia old were breaking. As the last chain shattered a deep rumbling chuckle was heard.

You use, again, simple language, but it's effective. Why use more words when less words does the trick, right?

One thing I found could be improved upon is using more colorful language. Let me explain, in this sentence

He quickly jumped across the lava moat to the island and gazed upon the treasures that lay on the pedestals.

The work quickly is bland. And that happened a lot in this part. A lot of bland adverb description. Now, I love my adverbs in my own writing, but sometimes too many can make the reading seem repetitive. I would suggest using a word like "dashed" or adding something more descriptive like "He jumped across the lava moat with lightning speed, almost getting caught by the molten rock's fiery glow." Just adding some personification to a landscape can make the trip seem more perilous.

As for the story, I find it quote interesting. This fire dragon has become a bey for Landon to use. It reminds me of Pokémon, like when you catch a very powerful, or even legendary on, you have to bond with it in order to work well in battle together. I can't wait to see these two's dynamic.

Part 2.
Okay this was some nice action. I was a little bit confused as to when it took place. At first I thought this was a flashback because of

It had been a little over a year since Gingka had defeated the god of destruction with the power of everyone’s bey spirits.

It felt like you were introducing an old legend, but that could also be my different interpretation from the beginning. But when I figure out this was a flashforward with the reintroduction of Landon, I was amused. It was great to see Landon and Smolderon have a dynamic even if Smolderon was only sleeping.

I could have asked for some more background information. When it comes to fan fiction I understand that you don't want to go into great detail about a setting your target audience already knows about. But, it would have been nice to get immersed in the world a bit more. Tell me if the arena is dilapidated or fresh. Is it crowded or are there only a select few regular people? I wanna know.

I also thought Landon's tone was a little all over the place. First he was laughing evilly, then he apologized, and then sent Gingka flying into the air and was being very cocky about it. It also doesn't seem to fit in with the child aspect of him you had going. One year doesn't do too much to a kid unless it was a year to remember. This might fall into that category, but it would be nice to have that explicitly stated.

When it comes to this paragraph

“Check this out, it looks like the performance tip is nearly identical to that of Phantom Orion. It allows for near infinite stamina, but there’s something different about it that I can’t quite figure out. The thick fusion wheel is smooth and has a scale like design to reduce wind resistance and provide a massive amount of defence. It’s probably the heaviest fusion wheel I’ve ever seen. That might explain why it created that dent when fired. It would also help with defence and stamina as it will be hard to stop the bey once it’s spinning. The spin track is very similar to Jupiter’s. It has four metal ball bearings that can move to increase its defence or spinning speed. They also increase the bey’s weight. Lastly, there is also very little space between each layer giving the bey a low center of gravity.” Madoka analysed.

It felt unnecessary. Maybe here and there could have had explanations about how powerful this bey is, but not all at once. Putting it all at once, discredits how powerful Smolderon really is and the mystery of Landon. It's also a bunch of info dumping which no one really likes unless it is in the character's personality to do so.

Some smaller gripes are

Madoka quickly whipped out her computer.

"Whipped" already implied this is a quick motion so "quickly" isn't needed.

He said, chuckling evilly.

Again with the adverb, I'd simply change it to "He said with a twinge of evil chuckling." It doesn't have to be much, but adding little moments of description makes all the difference in a large work.

Part 3.
To start out with, I would like if you could bold or underline the Part titles so it is easier to quote stuff for anyone else who wants to review <3

“The dragon emperor’s existence is the very reason Smolderon, the dragon king, was sealed away. His original owner, and a wise king of an ancient kingdom, was able to defeat L-Drago and stop him from rampaging. However, he realised that if L-Drago ever became strong enough to sap Smolderon of his strength he would become more powerful than all the bladers in the world combined. You see, L-Drago can sap strength as long as a bey is spinning. Similarly, to Orion, both our bey’s can spin indefinitely. Unlike Orion however, Smolderon has enough defence to give L-Drago power for centuries. Long after his owner’s bey spirit has been completely devoured.”

I love dialogue and huge monologues, but this doesn't feel like someone speaking. With the use of "however" "unlike" "similarly" and "the very reason" feel more like a narrator trying to speak through a character. It also doesn't feel like a kid speaking either. If you were to flush Landon out more (or if he's an existing character already, exploring whatever character traits are known) you can get a sense of what his voice is. Did he grow up in the country? Then maybe he'd say y'all and ain't a lot. Little things like that.

I like how hyped up during the fight Landon got. It sells the adrenaline pumping scene and how excited he is for Smolderon's full strength.

“What’s going on Madoka?” Gingka asked.

Oh I thought Gingka was blasted out of the arena lol.

“Don’t mess with me! Raaagh!” Kenta and Ryuga roared.

I think you can leave out the "Raaagh" part because the tag of "roared" tells us what we need to know. Also writing onomatopoeias feels kind of silly.

Overall I quite liked your fan fiction. It was an entertaining read and I feel like I got a nice glimpse into the world of Beyblades.

But that's all I have for today, I hope you enjoyed. I am also sorry for how critical this was, it's been a while since I've reviewed something. Take whatever stuff you feel is accurate. But anyway byeeeeeeeeee