I was working on part two, and I wasn't really sure if it sounded right, so I want to post it here for you guys to rip apart. Please comment! *puppy dog eyes*
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A sharp blow to her stomach and the air rushing out of her lungs woke her. Paige opened her eyes to darkness below with shadows dancing across some sort of beam. Looking around, she saw that she was lying across a tree branch, and that the high way was above her. Carefully holding onto the tree branch, she turned over and saw a large orange blaze, bright against the black night sky.
I did that.
She sat, watching the fire, a chuckle rising in her throat. She had no idea why she was laughing, but it escaped her lips, echoing across the hills and valleys that surrounded the highway, the snaps from the fire joining in. The two sounds merged together, dancing, winding themselves around her head, climbing into her ears and driving her mad. Paige covered her mouth with her hand, trying to stop the horrid sound, but it kept coming. Knowing that it just had to be a matter of time before it stopped she sat, tears rushing down her cheeks, the sound racing around in excitement.
It was when the fire trucks and ambulances showed up was when the laughter was finally cut off. Paige sat, staring, transfixed, hoping to see the men in yellow suits pull survivors from the wreck. But that moment never came. There was an explosion, and the flames engulfed a few firemen, who were instantly killed. A small titter escaped her lips, but quieted down. Paige sat there, horrified by what she had just seen, but unable to move. More fire trucks and ambulances appeared, extinguished the fire, collected their dead and injured, and left. But still, Paige sat.
I did that.
Carefully, she climbed from tree branch to tree branch until her feet steps on the asphalt. She silently crept forward, terrified that at any moment the charred body of Agent Smith was going to jump up and get her, even though she knew that it wasn’t. She touched that grey, smoldering mass of what used to be her prison. She was sorry for what she had done, sorry that she had been so cold, sorry that she had caused so much damage, destroyed so many lives.
I did that.
And all she wanted was it to end. The grief, the sorrow, the pity. She hated every emotion, and she knew that she had to end it to survive. She was able to put on a mask before, cover up her emotions, but now she wanted them gone.
She knew what she had to do.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow. I loved this one. It was great. Only, I didn't like the beginning as much as the rest of it. Another thing I really like is how you keep repeating "I did that" to show that's she's almost in a state of shock. Well, she has good reason to be, eh?
I wasn't expecting her reaction, and I think you did very well on that. Once again, showing she's in a state of shock.
This sounds a bit cold to me. As if she were a stranger reporting it. I hate to say it, but you're telling it to the reader here.
I have a question: Would they leave? It was so mysterious how it happened it could be thought of as homicide. I think there would be a few police hanging around, at least.
I really love how this is developing
Right, onto the next one.
~EmmaJane~
Hey Dragon
(Yeah, I'll never lose the name)
Repetition: Be careful not to repeat words too much. Already in the first sentence, we have the word "her" used four times. To avoid repetition, you can break sentences up into smaller pieces. You can also write a lot in the passive and try varying your word choice. A thesaurus helps, but be careful to avoid malapropisms. You don't want to use a word that you don't understand.
Setting: We've pretty much got nothing to work with here. Okay, I lied, we have a physical setting. What I meant was more on the lines of describing the wailing of the ambulances. The sounds that she noticed, the smell of the burned buildings, even the taste of bitterness in her mouth. Senses are very good at helping you build a viable picture. We'll look at this in slightly more detail when we get to the section on character.
Sentence structure: You should try to be clear when building your sentences.
If she doesn't know what "it" was, than tell us that. If she does, describe what it was. Also, you tend to describe the manner of doing things in almost every sentence. This is not bad, but very often you tend to start a sentence off with the manner as you have done in the following:I'm really sorry, but I'm not going to be able to give this my usual line by line rip. I've got exams starting Monday, and can't take up that much time from my study timetable. I suppose I'll have to give you a more general review with fewer quotes, and perhaps not as in depth analysis. I'm sorry about this, but if you want a more complete review, I can do it after exams. They finish towards the end of the month. Just drop me a PM.
Meanwhile, let's give you my overall impression of several points:
It was really good, once again. Again, we had the mytery, such as the switch from 1st to third person repeating, because it raises the question as to whether or not Paige is "I". It makes the reader wonder if there's some kind of other creature inside her, with its' own personality, the one who laughed as the firemen were killed. And then it would switch back. you should be really proud of these, again I'm left begging for more
Hey dragnet
Okay let's see, this one was great. I only saw a few mistakes - probably just typos.
-it just sounded wrong. it's just a suggestion though. You can try other sentences.
That's pretty much it. I was hoping you'd write something longer
I really want to know what Paige is.
Well, please keep on writing and PM me again when the next one is out.
-barney
Great job! I know I'm only a Junior Writer but I have to keep the 2:1 review rule thingy, so...
Anyway, yeah, you can choose to ignore all of this if you want, I don't mind, but you asked for comments, so...
I found a few little bits of grammar wrong (I think) and would like to point them out to you.
"There was an explosion, and the flames engulfed a few firemen, who were instantly killed."
I don't know why but this seemed a bit off to me. I would try this instead:
"There was an explosion, and flames engulfed a few firemen, killing them instantly."
"Carefully, she climbed from tree branch to tree branch until her feet steps on the asphalt."
I think you meant:
"Carefully, she climbed from tree branch to tree branch until her foot touched asphalt."