Published May 25, 2009
“You’re right. I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing this for me. Because I’m a selfish son-of-a-bitch.”
She stared at her mother, who had her hands clenched and jaw set. She turned, and was about to walk out of the whit-washed room, but a single word stopped her.
“Paige.”
Paige. That was the name that her mother had “blessed” her with. She loathed the name. Everyone said that it was a “pretty” name. It meant follower, and that was half the reason why the owner of such a name hated it. She was most defiantly not a follower. And, in about an hour, she would be rid of the name forever.
“Don’t do this, Paige,” her mother continued. “You’re young and silly. You have no idea what you’re saying. You’ll regret this. Don’t do something that you’ll regret. It’ll follow you forever. Look at your sister. She needs you.”
Paige’s nine-year-old sister was curled up in the arms of her father, sobbing, frightened out of her wits by what had just happened.
“Don’t leave, Paige. She needs you. I need you.”
When Paige didn’t answer, her mother sniffed. “Fine. I was right before. You’re only doing this for yourself—you just want to be rid of us. Because you never got everything that you wanted. Because we raised you so that you wouldn’t be a brat. Well, we accomplished that—you’re much worse. Wanting to get rid of us because we didn’t bend over backwards for you every whim.”
Paige’s hands balled into fists and she started to shake with anger. Her mother didn’t understand. Her mother never understood—now, or in the past. It would feel so good just to whip around and punch her right in the face. But, instead, Paige threw the door open and stomped down the hall to the crowded police office.
The police office was crowed with worried parents, annoyed police officers, anxious teenagers, and hard-core criminals. The sounds of phones ringing, people shouting, and parents crying filled the air. Paige was disgusted. She always hated the Port Angeles Police Department.
By the front door stood two people from the Witness Protection Program. One was a blond female wearing a suit and the other was a dark-haired male with a sports coat. Paige strode up to them and stood there, waiting for their words.
“Did you do it?”
Paige nodded, too angry for words.
The blond girl, named Agent Perry, shook her head. “I know that this may be hard for you, but it would be better this way. It will be harder for them to find you if they think that their looking for a family of four when they’re actually a family of three and an orphan.”
Paige nodded. She understood; in fact, she had been the one to suggest it, to protect her family. Too bad her family didn’t understand, especially her mother.
The male, named Agent Jones, put a hand on Paige’s shoulder and said, “Don’t worry. Your family will be—“
“They’re not my family,” Paige growled. When she had left the room, she had permanently split herself from the weak group of people that was huddled within. She no longer considered herself as an Anderson, but some lonely child, cursed to wander the streets forever, never able to truly settle down.
The anger that had built up inside of her burst out then, and she lashed out at the nearest person, who, unluckily, was Agent Jones. Paige grabbed his arm and twisted around so that he was laying on the ground, face up, fear slapped on his face. Paige’s now blood-red eyes stared at his throat, as though she was about to rip it out. She leaned forward, great tendrils of spit dripping from her now-sharpened teeth, then shuttered. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, showing only white, before she collapsed on top of Agent Jones, her lips kissing his neck.
Agent Jones, in a cold sweat, carefully slide out from under her dead weight, terrified that she may spring up and attack him. Agent Perry stood there, staring at the two of them, mystified at what had just happened.
“What should we do?” whispered Agent Jones, who had never even dreamed of anything so scary, even when he was a small boy. “What is she?”
“I don’t know,” Agent Perry whispered back. “But I think we should call someone.”
When Paige came to, she only darkness. Then, a light appeared through a barred window, before disappearing again. She moaned, for she had the largest headache that you could ever imagine, times ten. It felt as though her head was about to explode. She tried to move, but found that she was bound. Chains bolted to the floor held her arms out from her body, and her knees were numb from kneeling on the cold, steel floor. Every time she tried to move, her arms hurt more and the chains clinked in despair.
There was a snap, then a hiss, and a black man in a black suit holding a flare that made the light red was standing in front of her. Looking around, Paige saw that she was in a small steel box with a few barred windows that let showed light appearing then disappearing. Where was she? A prison?
The black man stared down at her. He had a small, white beard, and one hand was tucked into his pocket. Then, in a dry, gravelly voice, he spoke. “Who are you?”
Paige’s throat was dry, but she managed to croak out, “Paige Anderson.”
The black man barked a laugh. Then, he leaned in close to her. His breath smelled like chopped liver and parsley, and her stomach rumbled with hunger. Paige didn’t know when the last time she ate was.
The black man nodded. “I thought so. Now, tell me who you really are.”
“Paige Anderson.” Paige had no idea who this guy was or what he wanted, but she was seriously confused. She didn’t remember what had happened; only that she had been standing in the police station, with Agents Perry and Jones. Paige’s eyes widened and she took a quick intake of breath. She remembered now. She had gotten really pissed, and let her Other Side take control. She had attacked Agent Jones. She had turned into a monster.
“I’m going to ask you one more time.” The black man seemed really mad, now. “And if you don’t answer, then you are going to get hurt real bad. But you wouldn’t want that, now would you? Who are you?”
Paige glared at him. “I’ve told you! I’m Paige Elizabeth Anderson! I had a family—a mom, a dad, a sister, and everything—but I’ve departed from them because of the Witness Protection Program. Now, please, tell me where I am.”
The black man snorted and sat down on a box. “You’re in an armored car. You’re on your way to Area 51—the prison for your kind. I’m Special Agent Smith of the FBI, and you’ve got yourself into some deep shit.”
“The FBI?” asked Paige, playing innocent. “My kind? What are you talking about?” Crap, she thought. If this guy knows what I really am, then I’m going to be in some big trouble. And this only happened to me twelve hours ago—I have nearly no control over it. It’s a miracle that I didn’t rip Mom’s head off.
“Yes,” said the black man. “The FBI. And you know what I mean by your kind.”
“Please,” pleaded Paige. “We may be thinking of different things.”
The black man leaned close to her again and hissed, “Vampires.”
Paige had to restrain from laughing out loud. If this guy thought that she was a vampire, then he didn’t know anything. But, still, she had to escape this van before they reached this destination. She decided it was best to play along.
Sitting up straighter, she said, “I guess you know your stuff.”
“Hell I know my stuff. I’ve known my stuff for fifteen years—after your kind killed my family. My wife was beautiful, like a flower, my three-year-old daughter had just made her first friend. You don’t know how it pained me to come home and see the bloody masses of their corpses splattered all over the room. That was when I would hunt down every one of you filthy little vermin.”
Wow. Paige mentally rolled her eyes. A sob story. Like I need to hear that.
“And now, you’re going to get what’s coming to you. Area 51 is kept hidden up for a reason. The general public would disprove of what we do there. Torture. Manual labor. Tests. It’s our very own Auschwitz in the middle of nowhere, made just for the likes of you.”
Paige was going to go longer than this, but she got tired of her game. “Yes,” she sighed. “Only, it’s not made for the likes of me.”
Agent Smith jumped up, infuriated. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Paige chuckled. “I’m not a vampire.”
Agent Smith pulled out a knife and held it to her throat. “Then what the hell are you?”
“Nothing you’ve ever seen.” Paige didn’t have much control of her Other Half, but she knew how to unleash it. That was what she did. The hot anger rolled through her, and it took hold of her actions. She knew that she would regret it later, because it would be hard for her to regain control of her body, but she let it out anyway.
Paige smiled up at Agent Smith, her eyes deep, black pits. Then, slowly, grey ooze seeped out onto the knife and onto his hand. Agent Smith yelped and jumped backward. The knife clattered to the floor, and the grey matter burned the flesh off of his hand.
“What are you?” he shrieked.
“Didn’t I already explain that to you?”
“How are you doing this?”
“Oh, believe me, you haven’t seen anything yet.” Paige smiled, her teeth long and sharp, like knives. “Boom.”
Behind the armored truck, a lawyer named Benjamin Chase honked his horn. Even though it was seven o’ clock, the high way was crowded with people, and there was no way for Ben to get around the giant, lumbering piece of metal. He honked his horn again. The van burst into flames, and the wave of energy engulfed Benjamin, immediately searing all flesh off his bones.
Yes, I know, It's really bad. But can you please at least leave a comment instead of navigating away in disgust?
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141,456 Literary Works • 674,470 Reviews
Ok... My first review but I think I can help ya... As much as I can.
-> The description here is small especially for and action that requires a bit of strength, of movement, of feeling.
Exm: She stared at her mother feeling how her long, thin fingers clenched on the edge of the wooden table that was the only single obstacle between them two. Her jaw was rigid as she stood consuming her sanity between two actions - leave or stay. She turned in one graceful defiant move, and was about to walk out of the whit-washed room, but one single word stopped her. One words that echoed more painfully that it have should, bouncing of wall coming back as a terrifying screech.
-> More descriptions of the room the action develops aswell more details concerning the characters.
-> Same here. You stick to a very light way of telling things.
-> That`s it?
Exm: By the front door stood two people from the Witness Protection Program. A blond woman and a dark-haired man. I couldn't notice the steady looks on their faces - a look that you only wear at funerals and not even there for its to grave and serious. The blond female who seemed to be a bit to tall to fit into the common world raised the corners of her mouth in a attempt to smile only succeeding in giving her self a stupid, unnecessary face not fit for the black suit that she was wearing. The man seemed to be a bit bored of the situation, like his every day work was a miserable thing to do. The sport coat that he was wearing seemed to be a bit baggy on his slim forms. (And I can continue with their faces, and hair and so on)
-> Don't let me as a reader to many possibilities.
Well I can take every single bit of this and tell you something about it but it would be too much and probably you won't actually take my advices so i`ll restrain the whole thing in just some observations:
1. Descriptions and more actions. How the character feels, but not only Paige, or the agents - all of them, how she moves, how the move, smells, sounds.
2. At dialogs - You didn't actually make a define voice of neither of the characters.
That`s all. hope it helps you!
Okay, I'm unsure about who's speaking. I'm guessing it's Paige. Am I right? And the "I'm a selfish son-of-a-bitch" doesn't really cut it for me. Maybe get rid of the "son-of-a" and leave it as "bitch"
I think you mean "definitely"
What had just happened? Do you mean the argument? Or had Paige become a creature thingy then? Maybe you could describe the girl a bit more.
I think you mean "your"
Al of a sudden they're there. At first I thought they were at home or something. Maybe you could have hinted a little before hand. Built up the mystery as to why they were there.
All of a sudden she attacks him? Maybe you could build up to it. Give the reader an idea of how she felt. "She felt like she was underwater and his heavy hand was holding her down. She was unable to breathe." ^^ bad example, but it's an idea.
I love all the description in this paragraph. I can totally picture it. But did you mean "shuddered" instead of "shuttered" ?
I don't think this works. You've got all this terrifying description and then all of a sudden you've thrown "kissing" in there. "Brushing?"
Do you mean "slid" instead of "slide" and maybe put "again" at then end of the sentence, 'cause she's already attacked him once.
Is she not scared? Maybe say how she was frozen into place while the attack happened.
Nothing wrong with this, I just love it. That's all ^^
A box? Wow, she's tiny. Maybe "a small steel box of a room"
I thought you said her eyes went red when she was .. um ... taken over by her other side.
ha ha. It's so simple and yet sinister-sounding at the same time. Great
And thank you so much for not making this ANOTHER freakin' vampire thing. Lets hear it for individuality!!
Ha ha. I have another three to read. Yes
~EmmaJane~
Hey Dragon
I hope it helps:
Here's my promised review.
You've begun with dialogue. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but you might want to give your reader a little more context when you start. Also, drop "son of a". Bitch suffices. We also need to no who's talking here. Give us at least a description of her now.
Once again, the "she" is ambiguous. Give us a bit of context.
The problem with this is that it is a little repetitive. Try, "That was the loathsome name her mother had blessed her with." We also don't need the quotation marks around the word "blessed". We can sense the sarcasm.
This is very impersonal. Link it directly to her so that we as readers are forced to become acquainted with her personality.
You're telling here. Give us a vivid picture. Something like: "Paige looked towards her younger sister. She sat sobbing in her fathers arms. She shook viciously, frightened by the scene. Her tears shone in the dull light."
You might want to work on this piece of dialogue. I didn't find it too believable.
I'd change this slightly. You're telling too much. Show a little more. Something like, "Paige fought back the urge, opened the door and stepped tentatively outside. Her face revealed an intense anger and her step was rigid. What control she had was forced. She started out slowly towards the police office. One look over her shoulder told her that she wasn't being followed." The last sentence would also foreshadow what is to come.
You haven't quite made clear what she is disgusted about... This does need a little elaboration as we find characters incredulous when you don't explain the reasons for their strong emotions.
Stick to man and woman rather than male and female. You don't want to sound like you're trying to sound fancy.
I understand you want to be vague, but I think that we would like to know exactly what it was that she did. We know she had a fight with her family, but did she change her name, or maybe leave home permanently? Clarify this.
I thought she was sorry she had to leave her family. I'm getting mixed signals here.
The beginning of this piece especially is remarkably telling. You want to show it to us rather than tell it to us.
You've switched viewpoints. This doesn't work too well in your case. I would suggest cutting the scene at the end of the previous paragraph.
She saw only darkness.
Addressing the audience is sometimes a powerful tool for getting them involved in the story, but over here it tells us that since you aren't able to describe the headache you make us do it. Also, I'd ditch the "for".
Very nice!
Even better!
This is a little abrupt. Take time explaining her thoughts at each stage.
Too telling. Show us his voice. Don't tell us it was mad. Show us the madness.
This piece of dialogue does strike me a little unrealistic.
I must say, I really like this little piece. It's great characterization.
I doubt she'd even be mentally rolling her eyes in the state that she's in. If she's invulnerable to fear than tell us this before.
You're starting to paint Paige a little Mary-sueish. Be careful she's not completely perfect. In fact it's often a good idea to torture your characters so that we begin to sympathize with them.
I like this scene, but you've once again switched perspectives. You might want to give us a little warning before you do so... Also, that last Benjamin could be replaced with "him".
My overall impressions:
Have a great one!
PS. Sorry this is a day late. I didn't get time to finish it yesterday.
Navigate away in disgust huh? More like plead for the next part. I agree with 100xstupid, a little hard to follow but I'm assuming that it will get easier as it goes on. I like how right from the beginning you get us to identify with Paige so we don't later on see her as this horrible monster but see her pain. Then you get the plot going right away with none of that beating around the bush stuff. I honestly can't think of much to critique. A job well done.
If there's one thing you need to change, it's that comment at the end, that was electrifying! It's really gripped me from the beginning. It was a little hard to understand at first, because I was under the assumption that she had killed somebody, but then you said something about witness protection. However, I'm sure this will become apparent later on. I would love to read more, so naturally I'll know when you post part two
Hello dragnet!
-- shouldn't it be your?Great story! I actually loved it. Your story was well written but you do have some mistakes.
next,
I think you're missing the word saw, or something like that.
--you don't need to put a comma between mad and now.
Well, that's it. I had a great time reading your story. I'm eager to find out what Paige will do next. Please continue!
And PM me when you write the next chapter!