Published November 4, 2009
This is an idea that suddenly occored to me in biology class. It is the prolouge and not at all good, esp. the first paragraph, which is just a ong, rambling mess. I know that I need to prolong it, and it needs to improve by 100%. Tear it to shreds!
Gun shots rang through the air as General Ling waited for the fight to be over. As commander of America’s strongest army base, he knew that it would only be a matter of time until everyone in the lab had either surrendered or was killed. General Ling and his recruits were at a secret Chinese lab in south-west China, near Kunming. There was rumor that the Chinese government was funding a secret project to create a Perfect, something that could be used to over-come America’s troop. The Perfects would whip out America’s forces and allow China to become the more-dominant country. While General Ling was, in fact, Chinese himself, he knew that if the Chinese succeeded, then darkness would fall upon the world. He knew that China probably had good intentions, but if America fell, then thousands upon thousands would become, homeless, hungry, and helpless. Nothing would stop the terrorists from attacking and further weakening America, then do who-knows-what kind of terror to the East.
General Ling was dragged out of his thoughts by one of his solders saluting him and saying, “We have gained entrance to the lab, sir.”
“Very good,” said General Ling. “Let us enter.”
With a brigade of armed forces leading the way so as to be able to fight against a possible ambush, General Ling and Colonel Smith headed inside. After walking down hallway after hallway after hallway, the militia finally encountered a large, led door. The door was locked by a padlock that had Chinese symbols on them.
One of the lab techies was dragged forward and, with a shaky hand, punched in the code. The door hissed and slowly started to slide open. General Ling prepared for what he was about to see. He knew what could happen when experiments went wrong, and so, he prepared for the worst. But nothing could have prepared himself for this.
General Lind and Colonel Smith strode into the room, but stopped dead in their tracks as soon as their eyes adjusted to the dim light.
“Good God,” whispered General Ling, while Colonel Smith promptly bent over and wrenched on the General’s boots.
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141,614 Literary Works • 675,162 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy well we're off to a really interesting start here already. I was assuming this was going to be more along the lines of that standard apocalypse prevention future thing which it is but the characters here and especially this internal conflict about someone having to almost betray his country of origin is a lovely touch there and it adds a wonderfully unique spin to things.
This is pretty nice. Its flowing quite well and for a prologue this slightly faster pace with things sounding almost like they're being recounted works well enough here. So far this has managed to set up a decent bit of tension I think. Let's see how you've managed to go ahead and end this here.
Love the ending here. It continues the flow from the previous bit nicely and I think it sets up a pretty good cliffhanger there. Honestly with a little bit of extra detail this would make a lovely first chapter. It doesn't seem the sort of scene you want to hide in a prologue especially given you've kept that ending vague enough that we don't really learn anything, but rather we find ourselves simply wanting to read more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Just try to put in more detail on your characters, surroundings, and the situation, and you should be okay. Try rewriting this and re-posting, and when you do message me. Good luck!
XOXOXOXO
Summer Night
Thank you all for your replies, and keep them coming! It's terrible, and I basically need to rewrite this whole chapter over again. Just, I couldn't really think of ways to write it, but I'm sure that it'll work out eventually. Thanks a lot and I'll notify you when the next part is posted.
You asked to rip it to shreds, so...
I thought it was a bit lacking in descriptions. We do not know what our MC looks like, and we don't hear his thoughts either. So he knows it will cause disasters, and? We don't know what he thinks of it.
I had to read the ending about three times before I understood he was vomitting. Add a bit more emotions to the first paragraph - in my mind. Ok, so other than that, I thought the whole Perfect thing was a bit of an info dump. You might want to smooth it in somehow. Also, when you told us [the readers] about your MC's whereabouts it sounded kind of telly, as in, very dull and just stating a fact. These were all the things I found wrong. Now, besides that, good job! It was a very interesting read, and I liked the idea in general. Also, the Smith person you added was too sudden, you might want to say that they've met before, or introduce him as the guy your MC works with in your Mc's thoughts.
Hope I managed to help a little...
ofir
Wow this was very good! Its Summer, by the way, nice to meet you. I didn't see very many grammatical errors. The only thing that bothered me a bit was this line:
Maybe if you revised it like this:It would look a bit better. Only a suggestion though.
Well, that's all. This seems very interesting, please post more.
OXOXOX
Summer Night