Part One
The sound of a constant annoying beeping sound awoke her. Beep...beep... beep... She groaned and opened her eyes. At first, everything was blurry, but, after a moment, her eyes came into focus.
A young doctor was standing over her. He was blond, with windswept hair, making it look as though he had just climbed off a motorcycle. He had black shoes, tan pants, a blue shirt and a blue matching tie with a lab coat thrown over it all. What really caught her attention was his ice blue eyes. They weren't cruel, but rather gentel and kind. She finally took in the rest of his face, to find that he had four long scars running down the left side of his face, narrowly missing his eye.
Doctor _________ smiled down at the girl. Out of all the paitients that he has, he liked her the best. She was pretty, with waist-lenght brown hair. When she opened her eyes, he was pleasently surprised to see green eyes flecked with gold, the eyes of a person who knows more beyond her years.
"Hello," he said. "I'm Doctor ________. Welcome back into the world!"
The girl smiled back and said, "Hello, Doctor ________." Then he smile faded. "Wait...if your welcoming me back into the world, does that mean I died?"
Doctor ________ chuckled and said, "No. It's just that you've been asleep for a while."
"How long?" she asked.
"Two and a half days," replied Doctor _______. He picked up a clipboard and said, "I have a couple of questions about you. The man who brought you in left without saying anything about you."
"What man?" asked the paitient.
Doctor ________ shrugged and said, "We were hoping you knew. Didn't even say his name. Can you answer a couple of questions? We neec to keep a chart, and it helps if we have this stuff."
"Of course," replied the girl.
"What is your name?"
"April Totthille."
"What town do you live in?"
"Coventry."
"The state?"
"Rhode Island."
"What is your address?"
"94 Ledge Road."
"What is you phone number?"
Her face darkened. "Why?!" she shot back. "Are you going to call my mother? Don't call her! Please don't! Is she here? Oh, God, no, don't let her be her! No no no no no no no!" Angrey tears poored out of her eyes, and April started screaming and hyperventilating.
Doctor _________ was by her side in an instant. "April! April!" he shouted. "You have to calm down! April!"
April turned towards him, complete rage in her eyes. She punched him and he fell back against the whitewashed wall, blood gushing out of his broken nose. He stared at her in complete and utter surprise. It was obvious that no one had ever hit him before.
"Don't tell me what to do!" April screamed. She jumped out of bed and ripped the IV and other wires from her body. The monitor by her side immediatly let out and ear-peircing schreek as it could no longer detect April's heartbeat. April grabbed the moniter and picked it up, wrenching the wires from the wall and causing the monitor to fall silent. She heeved it at the window. It crashed through and fell onto a car, three stories below. The car immediatly started screaming an alarm.
A hand caught April's arm and spun her around. Doctor _______ grabbed her arms and pinned them by her arms. April struggled, but Doctor ________ was stronger than he looked. She kicked franticly.
Nurses rushed into the room to help Doctor ________. "I need two micrograms of adavan, stat!"
That was when April's heel connected with Doctor _______'s groin. Wioth a grunt, he fell to the floor. The nurses stood in the doorway, seringe in hand, looking very scared. April crouched and growled at them. They shrank away.
Doctor _______ leaped up from the floor, pain nearly gone. He snatched the seringe out of the terrified nurses' hand and shived it into April's arm. She tried to stand, but she fell against Doctor _______. He caught her, and the whole world went black.
***********************************************************************************
What do you think? I need a name for the Doctor. I jad Doctor Snive, but that wasn't any good. Any suggestions? THANKZ!!
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
just a thought about the name
Doctor Stein?
i thought it was a very good start
however there were a few spelling errors already quoted
besides that it was very good
i would like to read more
For names, try to bring in roots from other languages. It's fun to add subliminal messages to your charcters names.
(example- mal, from latin: malus for evil....malfoy!)
Everryone,
I am terribly sorry for all the spelling mistakes. I was so busy writing stories in elementry school, I never payed attention when they were teaching us how to write crap. *tee hee* SORRY!!
Also, in the middle of math class today, I realized that I had not clicked spell check and was putting my fellow YWS through a terrible thing. This caused me to shout "Oh no!" in the middle of learning how to multiply x and w or something. *tee hee*
I thank you all for your help, and I apologize for all of the mystakes. I will try to fix them all immediatly.
(Hey, I think I spelt evrything right in this pece...doh!)
DRAGNET
Hey.
This piece caught my attention from the start, so this was a good thing because there is only a certain writing technique which can capture my attention.
So anyway, there was a couple of things which i think you could have rephrased:
I would prefer if you say "A young docter was standing over her , his blonde hair was looking windswept, which gave the her the impression that he had just climbed off a motorcycle.
Your english should flow a bit more, to be honest with you it is a very good piece for a fourteen year old, maybe if you re-read and edit the english it will flow more, you have a few spelling mistakes but i wouldnt worry about that.
Good work:)
Here as you requested, as a thanks for your previous reviews to my work
Gentle, not gentel. And I thought it was odd that, looking at his hair and eyes, she wouldn't notice his scars immediately.
Poured, not poored.
She shouldn't assume this, especially in her state of panic. He could be just utterly shocked at her weird behavior.
A couple things didn't add up. She actually managed to lift her monitor and heave it out the window, and tears out all her wires and stuff, yet somehow the doctor can pin her down? Also, she gave him her address willingly enough, which could also reach her mother, yet she only freaked out about the phone number...
This entire piece moves too fast. If she's been asleep for two days, I don't think the doctor would instantly set to questioning her. He would probably inform her of her injuries, her bodily function and all that jazz. And the reaction to calling her mother - while I don't exactly know the circumstances yet - seemed way too out of proportion. I might understand if she thought he was going to call her father (men always seem more dangerous, I think).
Just a few thoughts. My overall impression is that it was a piece with good imagery and dialogue. Nice work. Feel free to PM me if or when you edit or add.
Your friend,
KJ
Okay first off, I think you need more details. You also have a lot of showing instead of telling. So here goes your review.
Okay, well this was a bit of repitition. You have already said that an annoying sound woke her. And then you make the sounds. I think you should choose one or the other.
You did alot of telling here. You tell everything you see, and really is a bit of an info dump. You described the scene but not that good. Here is another way it ould be said.
A young looking doctor loomed over her. His blond hair was windswept, as though he had just dismounted a motorcycle. The black shoes he wore glinted in the bright sunlight poring through the window of her room. Kind, rather than menacing, ice blue eyes stared into hers. Four rugged scars framed his left eye.
I would first off suggest that you substitiute a name instead of the blank. Use other words to describe the girl other than pretty. It just isn't... well very descriptive.
You spelled patient wrong there.
Typo with need.
It seems a bit weird that she would give her address and not her phone number. You had a spelling mistake, its angry. Oh and try not to use ?! it looks abit unprofessional.
He has four scars running down his face. I think that would mean that he had been hit before.
Some spellin mistakes. Heeved isn't the correct spelling I think. April is apparently raving mad.
AH, the blanks are messing with me. This was a bit fast, and I suggest that you put more detail in.
Okay, this seems like a good outline for a story. It needs some remodeling. You had some grammar mistakse, but everyone does. Fix them . I would say that you put in more detail, and make it clearer who the main character is. Because, well, its kinda close. I would describe the charcters more.
Other than that, its okay. I'm sure that with practice, and time, this will be a great story. Keep writing.
Some aspects of this are sort of cool. But most of it isn't all that realistic. I think you should research some standard hospital procedures and stuff before writing this. And I don't understand why April would have flipped out over her phone number, when:
a) you can find people phone number by looking up their name/address. So they already had enough information to contact her mother.
b) she should have just lied about all of the things. why didn't she do that instead of just flipping out?
Repetition of 'sound'.
You've already described the nature of the noise; it just looks amateur when you do the whole onomatopoeia thing.
too many commas. 'At first everything was blurry, but after a moment, her eyes came into focus.'
were
gentle
That is so wrong. Give him a name, any name. You can still ask for a good substitute but in the meantime, give him a name or just refer to him as 'the doctor' or 'he'.
Tense change, misspelling. 'Out of all the patients that he had, he liked her the best.'
pleasantly
immediately let out an ear-piercing shriek.
Holy Mutation, Batman! She has four arms! I think you mean 'pinned them by her sides.'
frantically
With
syringe. Also, you'd be surprised what nurses go through on a day-to-basis. Even with April's Hulk-style mania, they wouldn't have stopped.
Again, 'syringe'.
shoved.
*
EDIT: I didn't see the above crits, so, sorry for the repetition.
In future, please take the time to spell-check your work. If you don't have Microsoft Word, YWS provides its own spell-checking service. I suggest you use it. If, for some reason, this too is unavailable, use a dictionary.
This is, despite the errors, a fairly intriguing beginning. The circumstances of April's hospitalisation and her extreme Hulk rage upon hearing of her mother both make me want to read on. The dialogue needs work, however, I didn't buy any of it. Having a good hook is very important and I think you have that but if you don't pay more attention to what you're writing and those errors continue, not many people will read it and the piece on the whole, is lessened.
Keep on trucking.
Cheers
Hey dragnet. This is a bit of a short post, but I'll do what I can.
The beeping should be in italics.
I think this would flow better as: His blonde hair was windswept, as if he had just climbed off a motorcycle.
"Gentle".
This sentence is kind of awkward ... you might try rephrasing: Taking in the rest of his face, she noticed the four long scars that ran down the left side of his face, narrowly missing his eye.
This is kind of weird; first you're telling the story from the girl's POV, then you switch suddenly to telling us what the doctor thinks of her. Also, I think 'knows more' should be just "knew".
"You're".
"need".
You don't usually use "?!" in literature/pieces of writing. I don't know if there's a rule, but I think it should just be "Why?" If you really want to show that she's saying it angrily, you might consider putting it in italics.
"Angry" and "poured".
See what I'm talkin' about? You might try replacing the second "complete" with a synonym such as "total".
"Immediately" and "piercing" and "shriek", I think.
"Heaved".
"Immediately".
Did you mean "grabbed her arms and pinned them to her sides"?
Why her heel? That seems kind of awkward. Maybe her toes instead? XD
"With".
"Syringe".
"Syringe".
----
That was just grammatical stuff. Now, onto the bigger issues with this piece ...
BLAND DESCRIPTIONS:
You have some description and imagery in this piece, but not nearly enough to paint a mental image in the reader's head. And what you do have is rather bland and not very specific. For example:
What do you mean by pretty? It's kind of a general word; everyone has different opinions on what pretty is. What makes her so pretty? You might do better to say things like "she had a fine-boned, pretty face and waist-length brown hair".
I also noticed that the descriptions are kind of out-of-context. Take this phrase for example:
This is kind of mixed-up. The motorcycle-esque hair and long scars give off a very different vibe than black shoes, tan pants, a blue shirt and matching tie and a lab coat.
He was young and neatly dressed in plain black shoes, tan pants with a blue shirt and a matching tie, and a lab coat thrown over it all. But the four long scars that ran down the left side of his face, narrowly missing his ice-blue eye, and his blond, windswept-looking hair gave him the appearance of someone who would rather not be in a hospital.
(Okay, that was terrible, but hopefully you get the point.)
NO BACKGROUND INFORMATION:
This piece is, well ... incredibly random, I have to say. Who is April and why is she in the hospital? Why does she seem so scared of her mother? Why does she act the way she does?
You need to work on developing your characters' personalities so their actions feel justified. Example:
This is rather shocking. I mean, she was behaving well up until the doctor mentioned her mother, and then she totally spazzed. You should let us into her head a little; show us why she reacts the way she does. Mood swings like this need to be justified by evidence from the person's character or else they only serve to confuse and annoy the reader.
This piece certainly raises some questions (who is April? Why is she in the hospital? Is she hurt?), but it raises too many. You need to fill us in a little; subtly explain a bit about why she's there, show is if she's injured or not.
UNREALISTIC REACTIONS:
I'm sorry to say but your characters don't seem at all life-like.
This whole passage is really unlikely. If you'd just woken up in a hospital, do you think you would behave the way April did? I mean, she was calmly answering the doctor's questions -- if I were her, I would be panicking, demanding to know why I was there and what had happened. Think about what YOU would do in April's place to make this more realistic.
This isn't very realistic either ... I can't be sure as I've never been in a situation like this before, but I'm guessing that the nurses would be better-trained. Wouldn't they try harder to restrain the girl, instead of being scared by growling? Think about it.
***
Overall, this is poor, but it could be better. Congrats for not being too cliché; I'm interested as to where you can take this with some work. Feel free to PM me anytime if you have any questions or if you make an edit of this. I would go into more detail but I'm pressed for time -- sorry.
Good luck!
- Camille<3
Wonderful!! How about Doctor Winchester? Ohh... I did see a couple of spelling mistakes but other than that it was absolutly wonderful and I would like to read more!!
