Published December 19, 2007
“No true warrior can ever grow old. They are meant to die on the field, holding their weapon high and riding to meet death’s clutches, Heaven of Guardsrest. There is no such thing as an old warrior.”
-Emilia Fisher
A true author, friend, and warriorJ!
Prologue: Me
All my life, I’ve been a loner. An outcast. I’ve been made fun of. I think differently than other people. The way I think is new. And it seems that when kids are confronted with something new and strange to them, they do the only thing they think that they can do. They can’t become friends with it, so they try to destroy it through bullying and ignoring. That’s what happened to me.
I have short, wild, brown hair instead of the usual long, tame, blonde kind. My eyes are green and I have freckles instead of blue and a clear face. And I wear things from Old Navy instead of American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch, or Aeropostal. Also, I have wonderful creativity and leadership skills, and I usually get very good grades. I’ve been made fun of because of those things ever since elementary school.
My house is in the middle of nowhere. My parents own seventy-two acres of land, all woods, and in the middle of it is my house. A two-story high colonial, we made a lot of progress in making our house our own since the previous owner, an old lady who was obsessed with cats.
Every morning, I get on my bike and rude one and a half miles down my driveway to the main road to board the bus. Once there, I hid by bike in some bushes and meet Mike and James, my two closest neighbors. They both don’t like me very much, but they talk to me anyway since they have nothing else to do. There are only about twenty kids on our bus, so they have no one else to talk to. But as soon as we get off that bus, they don’t talk or even look at me as to not loose their cool. Then, I endure a day of torcher.
I have only one friend in the whole middle school of 338 kids total. Her name is Crystal Smith. I don’t really have anything to say about her, except that she is the nicest, kindest friend anyone could want or have. She gave up her chance to be popular just to be my friend. That’s true friendship.
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141,423 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay well that is quite the start there. It one of those oddly relatable backstories that are dipping into some pretty bad territory without being even remotely in the territory of the fantastical or anything and then you just as a reader end up empathizing with the person quite strongly and it makes for a wonderful start to a story right here.
ALright that transition is a bit sudden, its not a bad idea to sort of segue into this demonstration of this area they live in and what all of that is like, but considering some emotion was being hit there in that previous statement, transitioning so fast into this somewhat more emotionless moment doesn't allow that to really exercise its full effect.
Okay we have yet another super quick transition and I don't know if this one works as well as it should there. Having things switch back and forth this fast really isn't the greatest of ideas. I think you need to look into streamlining this piece a lot more than what we have here. On their own we have sort of three interesting sections here, but they don't connect to each other and flow between each other as well as they should.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I kind of agree with Fan in most respects that have to do with this piece...it's too much telling, not enough thought or perspective. We got a quick view of what her personality's like and how others see her, but what's her take on them and herself? Does she want friends or is she a willing outcast? Does she agree with the way people perceive her? Not only will this add life and emotion to your story, it'll give your character a little more personality. And like Fan also said, the character is somewhat cliched. Still, I'm interested to see where you go with this. Keep writing.
My main quibble (or great rant) with this is that it is all telling. That's a big no-no. Don't be discouraged by this comment though, I'll give you some tips.
1) Show, don't tell. This is done by giving information through the characters rather than adding it in and forcing it down your reader's thoughts.
2) For you, this could be done by writing a typical day in this person's life. Start out in their hoem in the middle of no-where. Have some kids taunt them about their clothes etc. once they get to school. Then introduce us to their best friend.
3)Cliche: This has been done plenty of times before. The loner who suddenly finds mysterious powers and saves the world etc. Make sure you keep this original (or as much as you can).
Hope this helps, and if you need help, PM me!
There are a few spelling errors. "Every morning I rude [should be "ride"] down the driveway."
"Then I endure a day of torcher." [should be "torture."]
Other than that, it's a good start.