Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This sounds like a lovely little start to something of this nature. It really manages to create a lovely little world here with these assassins and the idea of this training camp. I think its one of the most plausible sounding takes I've seen of something like this that just blends in beautifully and still doesn't lose out on any of the mystery or the excitement.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It's all because of him. The boy that will destroy my career. That career, you ask? Assassin.

Teenagers these days are worrying about trivial things like Instagram or how their outfits look, and even though it is shallow and chameleon-esque, I wish that were me right now. "Today is gonna be rough." I said to myself as I tied my shoulder length brown hair into a ponytail. I honestly don't get why in the living heck this stupid assassins academy has to go on at ten at night. Oh, it's not my first day at the Scarlet Wolves, it's my first night! Like, dang, get your priorities straight. I tried not to think as I adjusted the sleeves of my shirt, nervously dusting off the dark fabric. Mom and Dad won't be here. I'll make sure to be smarter than them, even if the legendary Anderson couple died gloriously. I snatched a pair of scarlet gloves off of my nightstand.

I walked out of the door of my tiny apartment, surveying the bustling city, even if it was nine forty-five.

The roads snaked this way and that, but I only had my eyes on one particular building.

I strode inside, and a curly haired blonde receptionist smiled to welcome me.

"Hello! How may I help you?"

"By obeying the Moon," I replied swiftly, the code phrase flowing effortlessly from me like a well prepared speech. The receptionist beamed, standing up from her chair.

"Follow me, newcomer."

She led me to a door marked for employees only. She then opened it, revealing a set of elevator doors. Elevator doors? She rapped on the metal doors with her knuckles four times, and the elevator opened. We stepped inside, and I was hoping to be dead silent. Alas, no.

"What's your name, kiddo?"

"Harper Anderson."

"Oh, the next Anderson child! Pronouns?"

"He/him. Thanks for asking."

As soon as I said that, the doors opened to reveal a shocking sight. People ranging from thirteen to nineteen were beating the living heck out of dummies. From old, duct taped battered things to ballistics gels, spreading fake blood everywhere.

"By the way, Harper, my name is Gardenia. You may call me Coach, respectively, because I will be coaching you in your assassin training." Coach Gardenia blew her whistle, a single sharp thrash in the air. A bunch of older kids lined up, all wearing the same things as me, wearing scarlet gloves. One, though, the one that looks my age was wearing black gloves, the mark of a graduated assassin.

"Grade A, if everything goes smoothly, then Harper will join your ranks. Mr. Lythia Whyndham, you give this one his placement test. But please, respect him. He is of Anderson blood."

Some sighed, some groaned, but the one who went by Lythia laughed. Audibly. It was not a haughty, egoistical laugh. It was melodious and light-hearted, like I was no threat. I felt like one of those internet jokes that went 'haha, I'm in danger!'. If you know what I mean.

Coach turned to me. "Harper, I need you to listen. In the Wolves, you are also judged on flexibility and a good sense of working with whatever the situation has presented to you. Therefore, be vigilant. That is your only warning."

She turned away from me. "Harper and Lythia, follow me." Coach ordered, and we both obeyed, the rest of the assassins in training filing in behind. I stole a glance at Lythia as we prepared to leave. He had a nimble build with short, fluffy black hair and bright stormy blue eyes that sent lightning crackling down my spine. Maybe that's because I made eye contact. Crap. I hastily looked away as Coach led us through a hall that opened into a gymnasium, like the ones in schools. The usual basketball hoops were replaced with weapon racks, swords and knives were present, along with various poisons sorted to various lethalities.

We both stood on either side of the gym, and this is when I took a good look at him. My opposition. We made eye contact again, and probably every awkward and socially inept emotion coursed through my veins as pure static seemed to tingle in my fingertips, lightning flashing in his irises again. Will I get struck? Most definitely. In this situation, I'm more screwed than an actual screw right now.

I noticed the rest of the assassins in training had sat down at the bleachers, watching silently.

"Commence."

It felt like my nerves exploded at those words, yet we stand still.

"You hear that, Anderson? It's time for you to dance for the Big Bad Wolf."

Ooh, I messed up. Can I go back to bed?

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

(And a belated welcome to YWS! I hope you have been enjoying so far!)

This was a really interesting start to the novel and it definitely has a lot of potential. You have introduced your character with an unique voice which is pretty easy to follow. I liked the descriptions and the few character introductions, although the way they came about, I am not sure if they are going to take up a more permanent role in the novel. The first chapter does a good job in introducing the theme of the novel. The constant stream of actions kept the story moving and I like how you clear you are with where you want to take it. At times, it did feel like you were in a hurry to reach there, but I enjoyed the journey nevertheless.

Now there are some things that can be improved. Like MissGangamash said, it was a little difficult to connect with Harper. You have given him a distinct voice and personality, but I feel like we barely got to scratch the surface here because we were too busy following him along the intended road. Because this is only the first chapter, you might want to slow down on the actions and establish your character first, so that the readers feel emotionally invested in his story. If the readers cannot connect with your character then they have no reason to care about what happens to him. This first impression is very important because often it lays the foundation for the rest of the story. And you want the readers to be hooked from the very start, you want them to be emotionally engaged, to accompany your character along his journey. For that, you need to show us who he is and why we should care about him. That doesn't mean that you should give us an in-depth analysis of his character in the very first chapter (imagine a book doing that!), but you have to give us a glimpse of what he is feeling, what he is thinking and how he is viewing the world around him.

When you are focusing more on the emotional aspect of the story/character, you will automatically need to slow the pace a little. And I think the story would greatly benefit from that as at times, I felt that things were happening too fast. There was not enough space for the readers to absorb the characters and the story because we are always moving on to the next thing. As a result, your readers might feel even more detached to what is happening in the story. Instead of directing their attention, you should instead focus on showing what is happening all around and how Harper is seeing it and what he think and feels about it all. It feels more natural this way and the readers feel more engaged in the story.

Some other points:

It's all because of him. The boy that will destroy my career. That career, you ask? Assassin.

I woke up this morning at around eleven-thirty, and put on a uniform.

"By the way, Harper, my name is Gardenia. You may call me Coach, respectively, because I will be coaching you in your assassin training. Coach Gardenia blew her whistle, a single sharp thrash in the air.

I felt like one of those internet jokes that went 'haha, I'm in danger!'. If you know what I mean.

He had a nimble and fine build, with short, fluffy black hair, and blue eyes that seemed to send electricity crackling up my spine.

Hello! Here to review!

'It was a black, long sleeved shirt with sweatpants of a like color.' - 'of a like color' is odd phrasing. Just 'a black, long sleeved shirt and sweatpants'?

This whole piece is very telling and not really much showing. I don't really feel what Harper is feeling in this situation. As I don't know his backstory (which I am guessing will be revealed through time) it would help to give off a sense of how Harper is reacting to this new phase of his life. Is he excited? Apprehensive? Is this what he wants? Has he been forced to do this? As it's mentioned that he is 'the next Anderson child' it is hinted that this runs in the family, but I don't know if that is a good thing or not. You want your readers to connect to your character is you want them to follow his journey. The first chapter needs to strike a cord.

'One, though, the one that looks my age, (about thirteen)' - this is also a weird sentence. I am guessing training starts at thirteen as you mentioned that the trainees range from 13-19, so you could have slipped in Harper's age in a more natural way. Like at the beginning you could put something like 'Now I was thirteen, the next stage of my life was about to begin' or however this assassin business fits into his life.

'She led us through a hall that opened into a gymnasium, like the ones in schools. There were no basketball hoops, though. Only weapon racks with swords and knives were present, along with various poisons sorted to various lethalities.' - This could be cleaned up. '...like the ones in schools, but weapon racks replaced the basketball hoops' or something.

The jump straight into the one-on-one match is very jarring. He has literally just walked into the building, no warm up? Has he had any prior training? Again, we don't know what Harper's backstory is, so is he literally just a normal kid that's gone to this place and now he needs to fight someone? We don't need all of his backstory at once but some hints would help ground the story and help the reader follow it.

Hope this helps ang happy writing!