I was sitting in my boat waiting to get to the island, I was headed to an island away from people. It took at least 3 days to get there. There were only a few more hours left. I took a nap, read, painted waiting to arrive.
When we finally arrived I was relieved, I started walking to my house that was already built waiting for me. The butlers brought my bags.
I finally got to the house and looked around. The house was beautiful. I couldn't wait to get settled in.
A few of the workers from the boat helped me settle down. The noise of the birds chirping and humming was amazing. I knew I was gonna love it here already.
I got everything unpacked and turned some music on while I cooked dinner. I thought I heard some strange noise, so I turned my music down. I looked outside, and saw nothing at all. I assumed it was just some animal, so I continued cooking.
Dinner was done so I ate and went to bed. The next day was weirder than the other. I heard stomping, little shakes in the ground, and roaring. I knew something was wrong. I checked outside from a window and there was a velociraptor walking by. I let out a scream; I was in shock. I didn’t know what to do so I slowly went onto the floor and started crying quietly. A few minutes later I got up to look and thankfully it was gone.
I assumed it was just one dinosaur. So I continued to live in the house just with boarded up windows.
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140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello, Stormblessed here!
This is a cute little story! It needs some work, but we'll help you out with that so the next chapter can be even better!
So first of all, the way you write is very literal and to the point, like you're giving a police report. Its monotone and bit bland. This is a story! Flesh it out, describe stuff, give us context and more detail. This is a great idea for a story, and I can't wait to see where you take it!!
I think the reviewer below me got most of the nitpicky stuff, so I'll leave it at that. I know that this was kinda a harsh review, but remember, the more you practice, the better you'll get!
Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242
Thank you! I will be practicing more so the next chapter describes more about the woman, the environment, the house, and many more stuff!
Hi!
I think that maybe connecting these two thoughts differently might be helpful. Perhaps using a semicolon could help, or just completely separating the two thoughts from each other.I think that starting the chapter mid-action was productive in this case. It helps to capture the reader's attention and hook them in for the rest of the chapter.
When you said
The same thing is true for Maybe adding an "and" before "painted" could help. Then, adding a comma after "painted" could help. After those additions, the quote would be "I took a nap, read, and painted, waiting to arrive. Perhaps that sounds better.
When you said Maybe, you could describe the house and what made it so beautiful to help the reader envision the setting better.
When you said Maybe you can describe what the character was seeing outside, to help the reader envision the setting better.
To add more detail, perhaps you could include what the character was cooking; little things like that help add to the story.
In the phrase I think that "little shakes in the ground" should be introduced separately from roaring and stomping, since you can't hear little shakes in the ground.
I like this chapter! I liked the description you provided to the story as well. It reminds me of Jurassic Park (anything with dinosaurs does) and I am excited to see where it will go in the future and what happens with her life on this dinosaur island!
Thank you i will add some of those in the next chapter
No problem!