I stopped living.
I was numb. I lost sense of time and pain, the hunger, tiredness and fears.
I hovered through the halls, looking for them, but I have not seen a sign.
I felt like my dullness and pallor caused by the deep cuts was growing stronger, and I, however, did stop living.
When I reached the table, there they were: the woman with whom I used to live and my daughter by her side. The breakfast delicacies, which were scattered on the polished floor moments ago, were suddenly set and placed, just like before. They were eating their fill, smiling slightly. Is this their way to mourn me?
They were soon gone. The numbness and the blur went grew even stronger, and I faded away, again.
When I opened my eyes I saw the white light. From the light white figures with white uniforms popped up. The gleaming fluorescent lamp was lighting up a white room, with white walls and white curtains. I was lying on a white bed, tied to it by white ropes, with a tight white bandage and the red blood that interfered.
I was no longer blurry. The man in the white cloths looked at me. He was able to see me, because I was very much alive.
I was given back my sense of time and pain, my hunger, my tiredness and fears.
I have lost my freedom, my sanity and the people I loved.
Ever since,
I stopped living.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was a really interesting story...definitely not the kind of ending that I expected to see on this...and well...that was quite a sad sounding ending that one...not gonna lie...well...more details on that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay...getting ghost vibes right off the bat here...this introduction definitely sounds like a description of someone just wondering around here and there...slowly realizing they can no longer do what they did back when they were alive and is now wondering around their old house haunting it.....or at least...that's the vibe we're getting here at this entrance xD.
Hmm....seems like my crazy theory is right for once...that definitely looks like a person looking back at the family they left behind just about trying to move on from their loss and the ghost of the person here's just wondering around trying to understand if that's what's going on here.
Oooh...welll that's interesting...now it looks like he was somehow pulled back from death..well that opens up a flurry of interesting things...that means he could only be somewhat terribly injured or something along those lines..which begs the question why he would think of him family mourning him...well...all sorts of interesting questions accompanying this one.
OH well...that is quite a twist there at the end...looks like he's potentially gone insane or maybe into a coma of some sort or something along those lines and he's just drifting in and out of being dead or something like that....well...that's sounds like a horrible situation to be stuck in and that's quite a haunting end there to this story as well...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...well this was quite a powerful story despite being as short as it was. Definitely playing on a lot of very interesting themes there at the start and then somewhat of a mysterious and haunting ending there...
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
WOW! This was a nice read and I love the description of the story itself and how the writer describes the characters emotions. The ending was great I love the mystery towards and at the end. The depth of the characters emotions really grabbed my attention and the words so poetically flowed well with everything, the title definitely says it all.
Thank you very much for the review! Enriching, really. English is not my mother language and when I translated it to English I must have done it too quickly, which probably left few linguistic mistakes.
By the way, if it isn't clear, or too ambiguous, this is about a man\(or a woman) who tried to commit a murder-suicide, and was stopped in the part of the suicide. He\She was groggy because of his\her bleeding and was convinced he\she is a guest and that his\her family are the living while it was the opposite. He was driven insane and after everything, the fact that he is still alive doesn't counteract the fact that he actually stopped living.
More interpretation can be plausible. It is after all very ambiguous.
An engaging piece!
but it's still something which holds your attention.)
Hi there, Laughmaster here to review your work.
I have to admit the title really succeeded in sucking my attention. This work is short (might be one of the reasons why I chose to review it
The title and the opening sentence are same? Not a common thing. So cheers for trying out something different. I was tired of reading cliched works, so I chose to read yours and I'm glad I did. It's not only fresh in its approach, but it also tries to break the 'wind is blowing, there's a thunderous lightning' sort of approach.
Interesting comparison. I loved this line
Unfortunately though, after this line my attention began to fade away and I decided to complete it only because it was short in length.
As a reviewer it is my responsibility to tell you that you need to edit and rewrite some part of this story.
As for content, it's pretty good. Descriptions are sparkling, pacing is an issue and there's no dialogue to talk about.
Hope this review helps!
Laughmaster's rating: 8/10 - Great but can be improved.
Thank you very much. I shall take it into consideration. You are right, I wasn't concentrated in some parts and it should have been "Was numb". I cannot edit it here but I will alter it in the original file. Thank you both. That's warming.
I liked it. Good job!
I actually quite enjoyed reading this piece. However, there were a few things that caught my attention. You switched between tenses in the beginning, and I'm not quite sure if it was intentional or not. I think instead of saying "I am numb." in the beginning, you should say "I was numb." considering at the end she is feeling pain and hunger amongst other things. Other than that, I really did like it. I felt the way she feels, which is amazing because she feels nothing. You did an amazing job setting the scene and keeping the characters reactions persistent throughout this piece, and it was very enjoyable.