Young Writers Society

Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day! Let's see what we have here.

I feel like this should be a speech and not an essay/article. Now I know we don't have an option for this, but just to let you know my thoughts... The organization could be improved on. You can't just change paragraphs when you are in the middle of a sentence. Where I saw this was when you had a paragraph that started with this the word but. This word is to combine sentences and not start them. You could improve on that aspect. Also I feel like you could defend your argument a with a few more reasons and details. What you want to do is to make your readers believe you. YOU are right. The opposing side is WRONG. Prove this is to me.

Now for the good things about this. The topic is great. A great thing to talk about when you are arguing. You sticked to your topic and didn't go off track to who knows where(some people do that and it sometimes get's annoying). Your story is really great but I feel like the transitions could be improved on. (I'm so used to a standard set way to make an article, so this is bugging me, even though you did a great job with this) Overall, you did a great job. You should keep writing more articles. Have a nice review day. Keep calm and keep writing.

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Hello again!

Here for a short mini teeny tiny review because there is not much wrong with this article. Not much wrong at all. I think its great. Loved your little tale. The way you write makes me feel like your telling me a story. I feel like your giving me a life lesson. I feel like a child on edge, mind you I don't like feeling like a kid all the time, but this was a nice lil visit.

Your topic is lovely too. Regret. We can all write about, not all of us can be this good at it though. Very nice and very simple. Lesson learnt.

Your articles are good. Keep it up. Oh and one tiny thing, let your self goo! Feel free to express and explain, tell me more. You don't have to keep it short and to the point all the time. BE LOOSEY GOOSEY! hehe. But make sure you don't go off on a rant. Also another detail,

"You can always pray for a better future, and it feels good when you know Someone who loves you is watching you every moment, there to help you."

Someone cannot be capitalised. Just a nitpick

Good job pal

Im looking forward to more articles from you.

Penlorde

Hey Doni

Nice article! You got good material and wrote on a consistent topic. I like the writing and am intrigued by your view point. I feel similar about regret. And think you wrote about it well. I liked the little story too with the rocks and diamonds? Very cool. Overall, it made me think and I enjoyed the read. Thanks!!

Hey there, Unpublished person here to review!

First off, the good things. I thought this was an interesting theme to deal with, and it looked like something that you have put a good deal of thought into.

Your use of a story to add meaning to your point was a good decision, without it I feel like your piece would probably be lacking a good deal of originality to it. The story really made it for me, so in that sense I think you need to develop it a little bit more, add some more details to really grab the attention of the reader and make it come across as vivid and believable. I liked the concept to it, but the execution was a bit lacking.

As for you overall thesis- that is is human nature to feel sad, and to regret things, this could use a little more work. I get where you are coming from, but I would recommend spending more time on the phrasing. Your thesis needs to provide a strong framework for the rest of the work, and I think while it it close, you could maybe do without such broad generalizations, like that it is human nature to feel sad.

As to your conclusion, that is pretty open to interpretation. You kind of lost me when you brought religion into it, especially as you didn't seem to tell the reader that was what this piece was about. I am not really offended by it, necessarily, but I will say that it seemed a bit abrupt to me, and not in tune with the rest of the piece.

Overall, though, I liked this, especially the story you tied in, that was the best part about it, in my opinion. By the way, thank you so much for reviewing my own work, I hope this returns the favor!

Hey, here for a review!

First, I loved your topic . While some people say they have no regrets in life, we have all been down a road where we've wondered what could've been and you captured that in a great way.

I also loved the story from ancient times you told! I think it was a great representation of the way humans view things and the greed we can all acquire at times.

The only issue I see with this is the short paragraphs. It's not so much that you made them short, but you didn't explain as much as I wish you would have. You picked such a great topic to write about, so really let yourself loose and put all your thoughts out there!

Well done. Keep doing what you're doing.

XOXO
Anabelle

Hello, rhia here to review!

I'll start with nitpicks:

I've always had a habit of regretting; a habit which I’m sure you have too.

Well the answer is quite simple -

It is human nature to feel sad!

But is it wise to spend our life just regretting?

Hi.
So this was a confessional piece with a highly moral message. I'm not sure I agreed with all of what was said in the piece, but let's take a look.

Firstly at the writing, which was supposed to symbolic AND simple because of what you were talking about. And it was. The SPAG was good also. I can't fault this piece technically. Also, you have used writing techniques... such as rhetorical questions to help move your speech on. And the bolding at the end:

What’s done is done.

Once, a group of people were travelling on rocks at night.

Here, if you have a religion, things become a little bit easier then! You can always pray for a better future; it always feel good when you know someone is there watching every moment and is there to help you.

Hello.

This is a blog post. An essay has a central thesis you proceed to support with the rest of your body paragraphs. You end up with a thesis paragraph that is also your introduction, then body paragraphs to support your argument, then finally a conclusion that restates your thesis to refocus your argument. An article, meanwhile, has a reverse pyramid structure: you put all the most important facts first, then slowly get more fine tuned until the end has minute details that aren't required for the story but you put them in because they happened and you had the space for them.

These structures help create a certain amount of sense to the work. They force you to stay focused, to establish fact, and to get your main point out of the way first. While some essay types have a story at the start, these act as prose hooks to get you interested in the story, then they move onto the thesis later on. You did not have a central thesis, and as a result this was a mish mash of arguments without anything to tie them all together.

Onto your arguments.

"Human nature is to feel sad always" is a gross overgeneralization that completely undercuts all arguments you could potentially set up after because of how general, and generally incorrect, it is. Human nature is one of survival and endurance, not sadness. People have tried to find a universal state of being, and they have all been discredited thoroughly (Freud being the most well known example of a completely and utterly busted theory of human motivation). I bring in motivation because you seem to establish people are motivated based on what they will regret the least, which is not always true for motivation.

For example, I am a person with no regrets. Your argument of "everybody regrets therefore everybody is sad" is completely invalid, because you have proof right in front of you in the form of lived experience. Many other people follow this same logic, with "never regret anything; at one point it was exactly what you wanted" being an oft-quoted statement, making its way into public consciousness as a whole. I know a few people like myself, who similarly invalidate your argument.

Your story "from ancient times" is uncited, and you do not get any authority from it. If the source is the Bible, know that not everyone is Christian and will not take the Bible as an absolute authority. Nor do they accept drawn out anecdotes about your personal experience. Make them tight, make them cited, and make them have a point to them. Your stories simply rehash your introductory point in almost exactly the same words, and take up whole paragraphs for what could be done in a sentence or two. This is where a thesis is useful, because it forces you to focus.

Next up, religion as a miracle painkiller. While I would not call myself atheist, I would also not call myself religious. I do not pray, nor do I believe that one can pray for a better life. Better lives tend to happen to those who have the resources available to them to make a better life (ie- education, skills, a certain amount of money is often required, as is a certain level of mental stability) and who proceed to utilize those resources effectively with a fair chunk of extremely hard work. No amount of prayer can make up for stubbornness and hard work, nor can they make up for lacking the resources or skills required to get a better life. Religion is simply a mental safety net, and one that does not work for everyone.

Your final two paragraphs are the first time you actually say something other than "we all regret". The very last one is trite, old advice that doesn't actually contribute anything and feels tacked on, and seems to directly counter the whole "religion is what makes things better" angle you had in the previous paragraph. Here, you effectively tell us to not worry about anything because there's no point, after you have the past seven paragraphs telling us it's basically impossible not to regret. Yet, here you are, saying it's possible not to. It makes everything very contradictory.

On top of this, you use extremely informal language, exclamation points, sentence fragments, and no authoritative tone. This gives me even less confidence in your argument.

All in all, you do not establish credibility, nor do you employ modes of persuasion to get me on your side. You simply have written out your thoughts with no hint of structure and a heavy dose of forcing religion down my throat when I have no personal interest in an all-powerful deity possibly giving me a better life if I have faith, and finally give us contradictory advice with "don't regret there's no point" after saying that everybody regrets and in a sense implying there's no point in fighting it.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Brilliant as always! Very true, and I loved the way you portrayed the image through your story! You are such an inspiration. Not everyone has a talent like yours! Keep using it! Great job!


Have a great day!


Lots of Love,


Annaclare