Published March 27, 2015
This is for the Poetry Inspired Contest. The poem is called "Because I could not stop for death" written by Emily Dickinson.
“Are you Anna?” asked a well-dressed gentleman.
“Yes, I am.” replied Anna, politely.
There was a long silence and the guy kept staring at Anna all this while. After a long pause, that guy grabbed Anna's hand and took her, hastily, towards his carriage.
“Where are you taking me?” asked Anna, who was totally shocked with the behavior of the guy.
“You are going now! It is time. I am taking you to a place which is better than
this one!” was the reply.
“I want to... but I have so many things to do in this world.”
“It's okay. Someone will replace you soon. You are not the first person to leave suddenly.” said the man, calmly.
There wasn't any choice for her so she simply just followed that man, respectfully.
Anna did not say a word and fell deep in her thoughts while the guy drove that carriage. He did not seem to be in a hurry and nor was Anna. She, at this point, stopped thinking about everything connected to this material world.
“How do you feel?” asked the guy
“I feel good but I am still a little nervous.” replied Anna.
“You will keep feeling better as the time passes on.” said the man,
confidently.
Anna, in such a relaxed manner, looked outside, from the carriage
window, to see the view of the countryside. She could see how the children, in
the school, are playing and enjoying their time. It reminded her of the time
when she was a kid and was in that school. The time when she was young, energetic, and was striving so hard to become better in this world. All those memories made her a little sad. It reminded her of her last day in the school and that farewell party. These memories kept making her sad while there was still a cute smile on her face.
“I wish I could live that time once again” wished Anna.
“If humans can stop wishing for better, and start to thank for what they have,
they would really live a better life – a life without regrets!”
"You won't feel what I have felt. You didn't see what I have seen. It's just not about regretting - it's about living those moments again and again in my head. Reminding myself of how cute, and also harsh, life can be!" was her reply.
The man didn't seem to have even noticed what Anna said. He was singing a song, really quietly, which Anna couldn't understand.
Anna wanted to ask a lot of questions but the rough behavior of this strange man kept Anna hesitant to ask anything. Although a little nervous, Anna was excited about this new journey.
Anna was known, by all her friends, to be the most courageous girls in the school. She would never get scared of anything at all. And maybe this is why she simply got on this carriage with a stranger without even hesitating.
They arrived at a house in front of which the man stopped the
carriage. It didn't seem too big. The roof was nearly touching the ground.
"Is this for me?" asked Anna, excitedly.
"I suppose."
"So, am I going to live in here forever?" still really excited.
"Yes." said the man, without even looking at her.
Anna felt that it's like the perfect house for her where she could spend the rest of her life in.
The cries when she was baby, the time when she woke up so early in the morning to go to school, those fun teenage years, the time when she fell in love, literally everything seemed to be just happened a while ago. She was surprised how everything happened in just a day – or maybe even less. She kept thinking about it.
And, all of a sudden, she started to feel really cold. She could feel that her entire body is getting wet, and so are her clothes. She was about to step in her new, unique house when she heard something.
“Come here! I've got to show you something!” A familiar voice, to
Anna's ears, called her.
“It's time, Anna. You've had enough! I cannot wait anymore.” said the voice, impatiently.
“Well, this shall surely wake you up!” said her brother, spilling a bucket of water on her!
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139,058 Literary Works • 672,402 Reviews
Hey don! Here to review your story as part of the judging process for the contest and also as a small thank you for participating!
I thought that it was interesting the way you put a spin on the poem at the end. I didn't mind the fact that you were very loyal to the content of the poem - I think it translated int your writing rather well.
Knowing how quickly you wrote it, I'm rather imprssed you've pulled it together the way you have. It does need work, mostly in the technical, sentence flow department, but as a big picture, in terms of plot, it's pulled together nicely. You didn't introduce anything more than you needed, and everything was wrapped up at the end.
I'm not going to go through all the nitty gritty things that need to be fixed, but I will say that on the whole, I would have liked to see a little more character development of Anna and Death. A good starting point is to look at things like character motivations (could be as something as simple as curiosity for Anna) and how that influences not only the characters' actions but also reactions and thought processes. There just didn't feel like Anna was quite fleshed out enough yet, and iy would have been really cool to get to know Death better.
Thanks again for entering my contest! Great work!
TiernanW here for a review.
I don't get the sense that she lives a rough life, but an average life that of course, people are never happy with.
Well I must say the ending made me feel sorry for her, haha.
I think its strange how she simply asked "Where are you taking me?" seem odd. I would have said '"Where are you taking me?" Exclaimed Anna with sudden fear from the shock of being grabbed.' Even though you said she was brave, I just couldn't image anyone being calm after being grabbed, but then again, we are very different in our dreams...
I don't really have much criticism. This is a well written story which is worth while reading when you get to the end.
Hi there, donizback! Niteowl here to review your story.
I entered the same contest, so it’s interesting to see how different people take on the same challenge. I really like the overall story and the twist at the end.
I’ve never heard anyone use “I’m” in this manner. I would expect either “Yes, I am” or simply “Yes?”
The first part of this story seems a little strange. She’s only mildly resistant to a strange man putting her into a carriage. She seems to recognize that this is Death right away, which seems odd. It seems like there could be more buildup here, with her questioning Death and him giving her ambiguous answers until she starts putting it together. I would also consistently use “man” over “guy”, as “guy” just sounds rather young and casual.
First off, this doesn’t really seem humble. It also reads strangely—does “have done well in this world” mean that they have made a lot of money or material things or that they have been a good person? I’m guessing you mean the latter, but it’s unclear in the current wording. I’m also surprised that Death is being so forthcoming with her. It doesn’t seem like something such a powerful being would say.
A little off grammatically, but again, I think this seems strangely open for such a powerful being. I would consider making Death more formal and stand-offish—after all, this is only one of many humans he has conversed with. Instead of simply stating his point, he might say something like “Humans always say that. It makes little sense to me.”
I like the idea of this, but I think you could do more with it. “The cries…” starts us off with some imagery, but then it simply tells us about the rest of her life. I would definitely include more imagery, like “playing tag with friends at recess” or “walking along the beach holding hands with Billy”. This will develop Anna’s character and make the reader care about her more.
The grammar here is confusing. A similar voice to Death? Do you perhaps mean “A familiar voice” (the brother)?
I feel like the first sentence softens the punch of the ending. I think starting with the cold sensation and then struggling to recall who the voice belongs to would make it seem like she is really dying.
Overall, I like the premise, but I feel like there could be more development of the characters and stronger plot buildup. Keep writing and good luck on the contest!
Thank you so much. It was super helpful. I tried to change it and add more depth into it. I hope it is not as bad as it was originally!
Hello there, donizback.
I saw you entered this in the poetry inspired contest and decided to drop a review! And the first thing that I'll say is that the other reviews below mine all have really good points, especially the first one (at the bottom), since I agree that you could've run with the idea more and really made it your own.
Throughout this, I find it difficult taking this piece seriously, and yes it's supposed to be humor, but it doesn't seem really funny. The last line was comical, but more a shocking plot twist than anything. Now, why I say that it's hard to take seriously is because everything is really rushed through and there doesn't seem to be very much thought into it. The language feels so lax (saying things like 'the/that guy' and more over telling) and doesn't go into very much depth.
Let's go a little further into the dialogue and tags.
So, here, this is laying it down right in front of us: Anna is bewildered. That's it. For the most part, it feels like it's there one moment and then gone the next. There isn't much depth to it, and it's not very memorable to have the feelings just told to us. Really take an extra line or two to describe how she feels and how, what's she doing about it. Give us more of Anna's character.
Also with dialogue, it seems really flat, just there to be there, not too consistent either. Take some of the last bits of dialogue. It feels really rigid and set in stone rather than a natural flowing conversation, saying out words instead of contractions and not even showing emotion. Dialogue should be one of those ways that you can characterize the characters and help us understand what they are like. So you want to mold it to how the character would talk and make it sound natural.
One final thing that I'll say is that there are lots of adverbs here. And a couple of adverbs here and there is completely fine, but try to avoid using too many, but instead look for stronger words. An extra adverb usually shows a 'hole' in vocabulary and a lot less exciting. Take this example.
"She said loudly." vs "She bellowed." or "She roared." or "She shrieked."
They can also be a lot more specific and pinpoint what you were really going for rather than just a braid point. So, I recommend working some on that.
The plot of the story was cute, having this girl going on an adventure in her dream which was only ruined in the end by her mischievous brother. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but I mean well and only want to help.
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Thank you so very much. It was super helpful. I edited and added more depth to it. I hope it looks okay now!
Wait! That last sentence? ha ha ha ha
Ello. Kanome here with a fantabulous review.
First of all... Kids, don't ever trust a well-dressed gentlemen xD
I liked how you started off the beginning. It made me laugh and think "What the heck?"
I heard of Emily Dickinson, but I think the last time I read her work was back in high school xD
Anywho, onto the nitpicking:
This sentence doesn't make sense (Grammar-wise)
I suggest this:
You are not the first person to leave suddenly.
That was quite a gap in the subject change... maybe you should try more dialogue to work your way up to the next subject. There were talking about one thing, then next thing I read, she is asking about death. Death wasn't even in the first part of the dialogue.
It's just a suggestion though, so don't feel too bad about it!
Other than that, this piece is truly amazing.
Keep up the great work. Can't wait to read more c:
<3 Kanome
This poem was given to me by the mod so I had to write something related to it. haha
Thank you so much for your review. It helped me a lot. I did edit it and changed it a bit. I hope you'd like it this time.
Greetings, earthling. I've come to review.
I haven't read the original poem, so forgive me if I don't understand some things, but I'll endeavor to read it. *reading* This was an excellent little story! Even though you didn't tell us a lot about the setting, there was sufficient information that I could imagine it (I imagined it in an Edwardian setting). It was a fun ride to go on and the ending was quite inventive! I only have two nitpicks...
“Where are you taking me?” asked Anna, who was totally shocked with this behavior of the guy.
...asked Anna, who was totally shocked with the behaviour of the guy.
“I want to... but I have so many things to do in this world.”
I don't really understand why she thinks he's taking her to a different world, when he only mentioned a different place. Some extra dialogue might help.
“Well, this shall surely wake you up!” said her brother, spilling a bucket of water on her!
Oh! I get it now. I still suggest you add more description, so I know what's happening when it happens. By the way, this last line was extremely clever and humorous.
It was great!! Keep writing, I'm ordering you to.
Edited it. I hope it looks okay now!
Thanks for your review. It was really helpful.
P.S. Your orders shall be followed, your highness.
That ending sentence! XD
Good one!!
HI,
I loved it dude....
Hey, Donizback! Quite the interesting piece you have here!
Initially, I was going to critique you on your tone, as it seemed too light for the subject, a person is suddenly being taken away to the Afterlife, until I reached the ending, where it seems that all of this buildup just led to Anna being pranked by her brother.
This is a good idea, cliche, but good. That said, this idea could be developed more because the read was vague and felt kind of rushed. You touched on some complex questions and gave simple answers, such as:
You could further explain why it is like this, even a religious explanation would be fine. Elaborate. Give the reader something that will stay with them for a while.
On a similar note, your piece is lacking character. I don't know the rules for the contest you are participating in but I'm sure that you are supposed to put your own spin on whatever poem you chose - which you did, but barely. The ending was the only unique element in this story. Everything else you pretty much copied it down from the poem but turned it into prose. So for what it is as of now, I honestly don't think that this will place.
Hopefully you can still edit your work, because if you can you might be able to go somewhere. Again I like your idea on how death shouldn't be taken seriously, at least how the brother doesn't take it seriously, and you can expand on this idea more as well as on the characters. See? The brother already has a quirk, and Anna can have hers too. You can also explain why the brother did this because even though the twist ending has potential, right now it doesn't make sense and leaves the reader confused.
And hopefully I wasn't too harsh and this review was helpful.
Good luck, and keep writing.
-Haven
Edited it. Added more depth to it.
Thanks for the review. I hope it's not that bad now!