My Own Worst Enemy-Chapter Six

Things are going to speed up now and we'll get to the main part of the story.

Chapter Six

That day, I changed. I wasn’t the same person anymore, I was totally different. And I can’t tell you it was for the better. I lost track of the days, I couldn’t sleep well, I was always tired, and my mood changed so quickly. It’s hard to explain the emotions that went through my head at a daily basis. At the beginning I was only happy when Ethan was around, but then it didn’t matter who I was with. I was always irritable, sad and angry. Whenever I was with Miles and Beth, these feeling were intensified. These were the moments I could only find relief in the blade.

My emotions changed within an instant. It was like there was an old man in my head controlling my emotions with a remote control, changing them like the channels of boring television. One second I was laughing, the next I was crying. I’m not bipolar or anything, just confused.

I refused to think this in the beginning, but to put it plainly, I was and am depressed. I’m not one who wears her emotions on a sleeve, so Miles was completely oblivious. Also, when I changed, I stopped calling Miles dad.

I hid my feelings to the best of my ability; always smiling through the hurt, giving a chuckle at the appropriate times. I didn’t spend anymore time with my soon-to-be-family than the times that were necessary. Miles blamed it on puberty and Beth couldn’t care less. I completely disengaged myself from conversations with everyone except Ethan; I didn’t even talk with Mel and Jess anymore. My friends knew something was wrong, and Ethan did to, but I assured them everything was okay.

Eventually Mel and Jess became annoyed with my silence.

“Dani, what is your problem? For like three weeks you’ve been miserable,” Jess complained. We were sitting at our usual lunch table, with the usual people around us, but conversations like this were very unusual.

“Nothing’s wrong,” I murmured into my sandwich.

“Then will you stop? You look like I just killed your father or something,” she continued.

“Are you trying to make me feel better? Because you’re doing a really bad job,” I said with more volume.

“That’s it Danielle, you’re a miserable person and you bring everyone down. I think we should stop being friends,” Jess said, speaking for Mel. She didn’t give me a chance to respond. She and Mel got up and sat next to their boyfriends at the next table, leaving me alone. She didn’t know what she had just done. A word of advice; if your friend is ever upset, don’t leave them. It just makes things worse.

I didn’t move once lunch was over, there was no need. My best friends now hated me and Ethan wasn’t in school. I was completely alone in a school of 1,300 people. I didn’t go to my afternoon classes either, I walked home.

Miles and Beth weren’t home from work, so I had the whole condo to my self. I decided to explore the storage part of my room, where the boxes Miles never took down were. I rummaged through the boxes until I found one with old pictures.

So that’s where he keeps all the pictures of me, I thought

I found all of my old school photos, pictures of my mom, him and I when they were still together and several of my mother when she and Miles were dating. Ethan was right, I do look like her. We have the same hair and eyes, she was beautiful. I went through the box of pictures until I found my mother’s wedding portrait in its frame and hung it over my bed. I could care less if Miles would get mad; I needed to have her with me.

I moved onto other boxes until I found an old fire escape. It was the kind where you could attach it to any window and let the ladder fall. The wind blew against my face as I attached the ladder, it was inviting. It was my own personal invitation to run away. I knew I could use the front door and still get out of the house, but this way provided some excitement and a feeling like I was leaving without permission.

I scrawled a note on a piece of paper, full of short fragmented sentences. I thought it would be my last note. I picked up my razor and pinned the note to my pillow and descended the ladder:

[s]Miles and Beth, [/s] Dad,

Went out. Won’t be back. Only option. Eat without me. Needed time alone. Sorry.

-Dani

The San Francisco air rushed by me as I ran to catch the trolley to Pier 39, one of the most popular tourist attractions in San Francisco. It has many stores and a view of Alcatraz.

I let my hair down once I jumped on the trolley. It was a twenty minute ride, it was too long. Whenever you’re upset and are running from your problems, don’t go anywhere you may be able to think. Your mind will betray you with memories that are better kept locked up.

I looked around the small crowded car, there were families huddled together studying maps, and some guy with a guitar. I focused on the faux leather case of the guitar and colors filled my eyes. Dull hues; earth tones. They formed random patterns as I lapsed into a dream.

I was at the beginning of all this. I was in the bus, staring at the fat man with his cell phone. All the emotions I had experienced on that day rushed at me. Sadness, helplessness, confusion, a feeling of abandonment, the latter was irrational, but I felt it regardless.

Still caught in the maze of colors, I reached into my pocket and withdrew my beautiful razor. I took off the leather case and closed my eyes, the colors deepened. I rolled up the left sleeve of my blouse and delicately pressed the razor to my wrist. My lips turned up into a small smile as the razor pressed harder, just enough to immerse itself in my skin.

The colors suddenly sharpened, growing bright and becoming zigzag lines. Someone screamed. My eyes flew open and I remembered where I was. The colors vanished and a woman’s face came into my view. She was clutching her small daughter; I couldn’t tell who had been the one to scream. She stared at me, with pity I didn’t need or desire.

“What are you looking at?!” I spat at her. She instantly pressed her face into her daughter’s hair, making soft cooing sounds. My eyes grew wide as I realized what I had just said. I had just quoted the fat man on the bus. I needed to get away; I needed to get this task done as soon as possible.

The trolley was slowing down in front of the pier, but I couldn’t wait. I jumped off the back and stumbled to the pavement. I tried to cover my stumble by running. I ran to one of the decks overlooking the water. The buildings became a blur as I went past them. One thing caught my eye, almost making me stop. There was a red motorcycle parked outside one of the stores with a familiar helmet. I slowed down as I passed the bike; it looked identical to Ethan’s. I was going to stop and wait for him to exit the store, but then a big hairy man with sweat stains under his armpits came towards the bike and looked like he was about to mount it. I quickened my pace back into a run.

There were clouds flying to the shore, a storm was coming. The wind picked up and made my hair swirl in my face. I looked down to the crimson dot on my wrist.

I couldn’t live like this anymore. No one would miss me. Mel and Jess hated me, Miles and Beth hated me and Sammy hated me. I was sick of having a restless night and waking to the same feeling of being alone in this world. One little jump, and it would end.

I looked around. There were only two Swedish tourists, they wouldn’t care. I balanced myself on the wooden rail. Below me, the water rushed to the posts, crashing into them with immense force. I looked down and the colors filled my eyes again. Black. Just black, nothing else. I couldn’t see. I was suddenly filled with a sense of vertigo. I smiled. I took deep breath and a voice crept into my mind, shutting out all other sounds. It was Bob Dylan singing ‘Forever Young’. Only one part played over and over in my mind: “May your heart always be joyful, may your song always be sung, and may you stay forever young.” I sat listening to his voice, in perfect silence, digesting every word thinking it would be the last thing I would hear.

It’s the only way I’d be happy. I took another breath and bent my knees. I laughed once, a pathetic miserable laugh, and tried to jump to my pathetic death. But, I couldn’t spring forward. Someone’s arms had latched around my waist and pulled me down to the ground. The black turned a bright blue.

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I hope you enjoyed!

~Dommy

p.s Ash, the reason of ethan's flakiness is going to be described in the next chapter.