Published August 18, 2011
Baby, you've been on my mind for days now
I think I wanna write you a love song
It's you I want and nobody else
But I when I see you, my words fade away
(Chorus)
I don't know how long I'll do this
When lately you've been on my mind
I've gotta let you know the way I feel Inside
But I just don't know how.
See, you got me stuck on a replay
But when when I see you, I just say 'hey'.
You are the finest thing I've seen in my life
It's just a shame that you'll never know.
(Chorus)
I don't know how long I'll do this
When lately you've been on my mind
I've gotta let you know the way I feel inside
But I just don't know how
No one knows
Not even the guy I'm with
I've gotta let you know
The way I feel inside.
{chorus}
I don't know how long I'll do this
When lately you've been on my mind
I've gotta let you know the way I feel inside
But I just don't know how
What am I gonna do
My heart says go, when my mouth says no
My fears take over
I don't wanna lose
(chorus till fade)
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138,337 Literary Works • 672,105 Reviews
This is very sweet! I love it! Great job!!
Hi, dolwright!
This was a cute song you've got, and I think it was set up very well! I've noticed you didn't find a title yet, so I'll see if I can't think of some possibilities or at least hand over some inspiration for figuring one out.
The song itself though is wonderful! There wasn't any rhyme scheme, and the rhythm didn't line up all the time, but I can't accurately judge that without hearing it. Upon reading, it disturbed the flow in some places. It could very well be sung much better though, so food for thought!
I'm not sure I liked this line all that much, especially for the beginning. I guess when I read it, I had all sorts of other love songs pop in my head. I guess that means it's a tad overused? Could just be me though!
I couldn't figure out how these two tied in together. I could just be slow and not getting it. xD But I'm not sure what was replaying? And then if he was replaying, the second line promptly contradicts that.
The first two lines and the last two lines seem like two separate ideas that have yet to be tied together. In fact, I think the first two introduced an entirely new one -- that the speaker is going out with someone while thinking of this other guy. A part of the story that the speaker is skimming over, but it's actually got some importance to the message.
This is probably my favorite part of this entire song! The rest of it was getting a bit whiney, but this stanza here got a little more poetic. It was fun to read, and I think it's a great end to your song. Maybe if you could work this kind of thing in with the rest, it would end the piece with a bigger bang!
I've noticed the phrase "the way I feel inside" was used more than just in the chorus, so that's a possible title suggestion. Since the song is about how the speaker is too shy to say anything anyway, it kinda fits!
I think you've got a great piece overall! I wish I could hear it. I think it would sound very lovely, and half the things I said would probably prove useless. So great job!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hello and happy review day!
My first thought after finishing this piece was: Did I just read a poem? I realize that lyrics are supposed to resemble poetry, but I feel like this is a bit too close to one!
You see, lyrics are usually longer than poems. This, however, would take someone about a minute to sing. I honestly think you need another verse to give it more of that song-like feel.
Grammar and spelling wise your fine, at least under my radar. My only two flaws in that area come at the end. My comments/corrections are in the green.
Thanks and hope that helps!
I think "buggin' me out" could be worked with but if you're going to write one line like that, your lyrics should be consistent with that theme. When I first looked at this it gave me the impression of more of a casual sounding piece. I like the the way it fits together. I didn't see any rhyming, and that might be helpful to your chorus. Other than that, it's great.
Hi there!
First off I just want to say that for a spur of the moment piece, it is very good. It flows well and I couldn't find any grammar or spelling errors so no worries there. I found just a couple of parts I wanted to comment on.
It should be 'cause' instead.
Did you mean to repeat the when here?
This line bothers me. You should probably find another way to say this.
Overall this is a good piece. Keep writing!