Slavery

Its a good poem. Using rhyme and not using much punctuation that indicate stopping points helped speed up the poems pace, this caused me to feel the dolls fear, anxiety, which helped bring out the deeper emotion in the poem ever so slightly. I think more of that emotion could be brought if you make your readers dive deeper into to that fear, and oppression that is being felt. That way even people who do not understand slavery woul be able to feel even a little of its underlaying feeling.

Hello, Chips here with a review.

Here, you have an interesting idea which you can go many directions in. I liked the use of rhyming you used extensively, which was particularly rare to see on a slavery based poem, it did get very scattered at times, but it was unique to see.

"I feel like a broken girl

Like a spoilt girl

Like an abandoned well

Like a a prisoner in hell"

The word, "spoilt" appears to be a spelling error according to my computer, perhaps *spoiled* was the intention. Regardless of the possible spelling error, I thought that line did not fit with the other descriptions, being "spoiled" implies having excessive luxuries as oppose to relating to slavery. However if you are using the word in context, then that is completely fine, though the connotations differ. The repetition of, "girl" so close together interrupted the flow I think; It would be even better if there were no rhyme in these two lines, just focusing on the words.

"At those vile men

Who choose me to sell"

I felt like you could be more specific in detail or in metaphors in stating which time of slavery and type you are referring to as they do tend to differ though the malice of the sellers remains constant. I envisioned human trafficking form of slavery for this particular poem, but It can be interpreted in various ways of course.

"Someone to save me from this hell

Someone to save me from this hell

Who choose me to sell"

I liked the repetition to create an emphasis in the first two lines, comparing being sold to "hell". But the repetition of the third line here, I found to be redundant as it was already stated.

"Is anyone out there?"

I liked this as a final line. But you already have this line in the middle of your poem, it works better as a last line rhetorical question as oppose to being in the middle section.

As an overview: You have a great poem going on here. I would suggest you tone down the rhyming and focus on getting the emotional effect even more, describe the chains, the hatred, the nonacceptance, the loneliness, the loss of hope etc.. slavery goes way back into history and I think you could get an even better emotional connection from the reader, it was not a casual time. More imagery could be useful also.

Overall, good job! Hope this review helped. Keep writing!

--Chippy

This would be a poem for people that understand slavery. And I would agree with BowTiesAreCool that it has a lot of feeling. And the talent you have that you can write poems like these, awesome! I can't even write two lines that rhyme. And your ending is really powerful and it adds a lot of distress to it. I will be looking out for your poems and stories in the future. You are a very talented young author and poet. Never give up.

-Unknown391625

It's mature and has lots of feeling which is great. The rhyming pattern is a little confusing though. I'm certainly no expert in poetry (not my genre at all) but I'm pretty sure you have to either not rhyme or use it in an effective way such as with a rhyming pattern or in certain places for effect. The rhyming seems to be a little random as though you just did it when you thought of a word but it's not bad. I like the repetition of 'Is anyone out there?' and the way it ends with it too and how towards the end it starts to focus more on someone being out there who cares rather than the current situation which was focused on at the beginning. That's good because it sort of gives a feel of the person's emotions and thoughts progressing throughout it.
Don't take anything I've said to heart, I could be entirely wrong because poetry really isn't my thing but well done.

Hey there! Isha here for a review.

Alright, so you've got yourself a poem with a super interesting concept, and one that has the potential to be very provoking emotionally and mentally. There are, however, a few things I wanted to talk to you about.

One thing I didn't understand was what era this poem is talking about. My initial thought was the slave trade that was booming back in the 17 and 1800s, but after a little while, I started wondering if you weren't talking about modern-day slavery and human trafficking. The third option being that you meant to create a poem that could be read timelessly, to give a glimpse of slavery in any given area. However, if this was the case, the poem was more confusing than enlightening. The best way to clear that up is with imagery (when you talk about the small room, for example. What kind of room? What are the men wearing? Where is your narrator being sold? be creative in your imagery, of course! show, don't tell).

The second thing I wanted to talk to you about is flow. There's no flow pattern. Rhyming poems usually sound best if they have a complete structure, I find (it keeps them from getting choppy and stilted). This is done through the use of syllables (I won't get into official terminology; it's easier to understand if you research it on your own, I find, if you don't know it all already). Essentially, you work in patterns. For example, I might create a poem that looks something like this:

<first line 10 syllables>
<second line 10 syllables>
<third line 7 syllables>

And then follow that pattern. Choose a number pattern, and go with it.

The other problem is that you don't follow a rhyme pattern. Your first little bit:

I feel like a broken girl
Like a spoilt girl
Like an abandoned well
Like a a prisoner in hell
All I wanna do is yell
At those vile men
Who choose me to sell
But who can I tell?
I need an angel