Young Writers Society

Hey, it's just another teenage person wasting her life on YWS. But hi!

Not wanting to just slam down problems I noticed, I briefly skimmed through the reviews below. You had said your friend was close to killing herself, but someone stopped her. I'm so sorry. I've been there - not as a bystander or the one talking the suicidal one down, but rather as the depressed one who can't take it anymore at times. So, I unfortunately relate to your friend. I truly am apologetic about the entire meaning of this poem. You tried to help, you both had different paths to take, and maybe sometime in the future you'll wind up being buddies again. That's a good thing to experience: meeting up with an old friend and forgetting the bad times, starting anew and happy again.

But enough about me and my personal connections. I have some things that could really boost your work. Before I forget, you marked this as a poem. As a reader, this certainly could go as a song, too. I kinda sang it in my head despite the sad overall topic.

1. There are seventeen stanzas, with exception of the last four words. Shorten this! The maximum I would rewrite to is ten. Keep a copy of the original and make a new one, removing all of the repeated lines and repetitious phrases.

2. Some phrases are too - short - and some are too loooonnnnngg with cliché sayings. Too many syllables crowded into one line at times. You also tend to end with words thst don't rhyme - or you use the same word twice at the end of every other line in a phrase.

3. Please fix the forced rhyming. It is clunky when reading and does not always turn out well. Also, there was a quick little spellcheck error. You used the wrong "your", where it should be "you're" in the line *But I'll never know, since your not around*.

To leave on a positive note, I did enjoy this. It was very delicate and fragile in sense of emotions. But it also reminds readers of how losing a friend can be difficult. Thank you for posting. I hope you have a wonderful day!

~ roll of the pizzas

Hello! Time for a review.

I really liked this. It was smooth to read and easy one the eyes. I can definitely relate to the story. I had a friend a very long time ago and we were close. one day I would call her and she would pick up and hang up right away. When I went to her house she would look in the window and walk away. She never gave me any explanation as to what I might have done or said. That kind of stuff hurts and honestly I think those kinds of people are cowards. When you are little its acceptable but after reaching adulthood that's a whole new level.

I honestly have no critiques for this. The rhyming is good and like i said it flows well. It is long but I feel like with something this personal it kinda needs to be. There's a lot of emotions there and part of writing is getting how you feel on paper. So well done you!

Look...hopefully you won't think I am too harsh on you or smthng...but I didn't like it that much. It just felt so...teenage, I dunno. That entire thing about how you used to be friends and now lost that and that person has shut you out. I do understand it, for a big part, but it feels like so melodramatic and over-the-top. It isn't bad, per se - I am sure that there a public for these kinds of poems, the same public that keeps YA fiction going strong. Although - and correct me on this - the person has just left the narrator? It ain't like she or he killed him/herself...'cause that (imho) would make it a bit nicer and a bit more original. At least for me. I am not so sure about the next guy, but anyways. The rhyming is good, although a little basic (or not, I don't know anything about poetry. ) The emotions are described nicely, even if they are done to death. I like the fact that you mention a lot of stuff that you actually shared with the person about whom the poem is talking - this really works to its advantage, so that's really cool. That is, actually, one of the better parts of the poem and it really shows that you had a good and close relationship (friendship), which makes it easier for the reader to understand what you going through. I really, really enjoyed that.

The poem was maybe a bit too long - I don't know what the standard sizing is, but I guess you went over it. I, personally, didn't like it, but some other folks may think that is good. I don't know - personally like my poems to be rather short and powerful, hard-hitting. Maybe that was also one of the problems - it kinda dragged about for a bit. Despite me loving all the references to all the things you guys did together I think it would be better if you actually skipped them and tried to express your emotions in one fell swoop. People would just feel the impact much more and feel sadder for your situation since now the feeling is partially lost by the end of the poem, which lessens the memorability and the way that people remember it. That is sad, imho, since I can see that you really have a lot of potential and that the poem itself has a lot of potential.

This really convey's an important message. I can relate to it because I also had a friend who shut me out and moved, but we've crossed paths again and our friendship has since healed. I pray that one day you can mend you're friendship as well.

I think you did a perfect job showing what you were feeling towards your friend. They shouldn't have shut you out and I hope they read this someday because it's beautiful. Splitting this into stanzas really helped emphasize the different ideas you were trying to convey. I love that you included what you miss and love about them in the beginning, and didn't immediately plunge into the fact that you miss them. The imagery is awesome and I think you are an awesome poet. I hope you find a way to reconnect with you're friend; it seems like you two had an amazing time together.