Hey, it's just another teenage person wasting her life on YWS. But hi!
Not wanting to just slam down problems I noticed, I briefly skimmed through the reviews below. You had said your friend was close to killing herself, but someone stopped her. I'm so sorry. I've been there - not as a bystander or the one talking the suicidal one down, but rather as the depressed one who can't take it anymore at times. So, I unfortunately relate to your friend. I truly am apologetic about the entire meaning of this poem. You tried to help, you both had different paths to take, and maybe sometime in the future you'll wind up being buddies again. That's a good thing to experience: meeting up with an old friend and forgetting the bad times, starting anew and happy again.
But enough about me and my personal connections. I have some things that could really boost your work. Before I forget, you marked this as a poem. As a reader, this certainly could go as a song, too. I kinda sang it in my head despite the sad overall topic.
1. There are seventeen stanzas, with exception of the last four words. Shorten this! The maximum I would rewrite to is ten. Keep a copy of the original and make a new one, removing all of the repeated lines and repetitious phrases.
2. Some phrases are too - short - and some are too loooonnnnngg with cliché sayings. Too many syllables crowded into one line at times. You also tend to end with words thst don't rhyme - or you use the same word twice at the end of every other line in a phrase.
3. Please fix the forced rhyming. It is clunky when reading and does not always turn out well. Also, there was a quick little spellcheck error. You used the wrong "your", where it should be "you're" in the line *But I'll never know, since your not around*.
To leave on a positive note, I did enjoy this. It was very delicate and fragile in sense of emotions. But it also reminds readers of how losing a friend can be difficult. Thank you for posting. I hope you have a wonderful day!
~ roll of the pizzas
Points: 529
Reviews: 54
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